Surrendering visions and dreams of what we thought our life would look like at certain milestones of life; can be some of the hardest things to release.
I lost my mom in 2016 to Kidney failure and of course many other health conditions that attributed to her final days. I was only at the time 32 years old.
As time has passed and my life continues to change, I often wonder what it would be like if she was still here. Course the last year and half with all thats going ok in the world, I’m glad she isn’t here to deal with the turmoil and mayhem and mess that covid and do much else has put on the world.
Then I wonder about further down the road when I may get married and have a family; she won’t be here to help me pick out a dress, she won’t be here to welcome home a grandchild.
So many things like that have been lost to me when she passed. Whats worse is that the day she passed away and my emotionally detached father and brother of course remain; but I still feel like an orphan.
Surrendering the dream of having so much of what I’ve seen others have to grow and watch their parents age gracefully and pass at ripe old ages. Somehow, thats not been my lot in life.
Learning to come to grips even four years our is something I need to express this nugget of repressed grief. I know I never processed the death of my mother fully.
I tried putting these words together before mother’s day and all I could do was sob. Of course, as I am now writing this as well. But, the difference between this week and two weeks ago, I’ve released resentment and anger of her passing. Realizing that I had her for 32 years of being my mom and my best friend. Now she is at rest and peace no longer in pain, no longer suffering, no longer governed by this earth. I know she resides on glory, even in dialysis she spent her days witnessing.
Surrendering this I feel the weight of it lifting slowly from my soul, will I still grieve, of course. Will it be as painful, no, it will be happy tears of times of joy and well spent time together.
Letting go of things are necessary at times, cause it can hold us back in other ways. I pray that as I push forth from releasing, I can hopefully not be blocked from things my soul housed within it, that needed dealing with.
What could be holding you back?
Is it time to surrender?
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In my darkest hour of receiving the call from the nurse to say, “Ms. Gunn, your COVID-19 test results came back as positive, you will need to isolate yourself ASAP!”
Needless to say an immediate rush of every kind of emotion rose up within my body! Many I had to tell because I was positive incase they were exposed by proxy of me. Everyone I had been around never got it from me!
But, thats not the point of this blog…
This blog is gonna go to a deeper level of what I faced in those dark 22 days of isolation…
In isolation during having COVID-19 you are in a way at the time I had it, doubly isolated. Before I contracted the virus we were limited to what we could do, what stores were open, the amount of people that could gather together was restricted to 10 people.
So, in an already isolated state, I contracted Covid-19, that sent me to the next level of isolation, which was complete isolation. No human contact unless by cellphone, social media, or people being masked up, gloved up, and highly socially distanced for everyones safety as the contagion that COVID is, is highly spreadable in the simplest of circumstances.
It was in this time, between battling fevers, trying to hydrate, trying to fight the virus with over-the-counter medicine, trying to keep strength up that its so taxing not just on the body, but on the mind as well!
In this state of battling and my father still within the dwelling with me…socially distanced of course and I took every precaution so he wouldn’t catch it from me and He didn’t, he remains unexposed to what I had going on.
In those 22 days my biological father, only asked me twice if I was ok.
Needless to say the journey of this isolation process, made come to surface every daddy issue I could have. Yes I admit it to the world here and now!
I have Daddy issues!
The first week battling covid was the worst as thats when most if this boiled to the surface of my soul(mind, will,and emotions). By week two I was determined to use my isolation time to not only heal and recover from COVID, but to begin to heal the wounds in my soul from a disconnected father figure.
It has taken me weeks to put this together piece-by-piece to not only heal but to deal with layer upon layer of my father issues.
The time my father tried to commit suicide was the final straw that sealed the deal to all my issues and truly shown me my earthly fathers disjointed love toward his own daughter.
In his state of mental disconnect…of which many told me and still tell me to not take personal due to the state of mind he was in hurt and damaged me truly to the core of my being in a way even I can’t find any words to group that could make it understandable.
He took the pills and was rushed to the hospital. From there under intense evaluation and surveillance. One by one we were allowed back to see him. Being as my mother was in a wheelchair and handicap she couldn’t be left alone. So it was my brother and I who took turns goin back with mom, while she sat with dad. When it was my turn I went back and with the straightest face, cold, dark, soul-less eyes he looked at me and asked me who I was. Immediate heartbreak sat in my soul and I turned and walked out and told my brother to go back with our mother. It took him two days to remember who I was.
To this day being my fathers caregiver it hurts to the core knowing the true feelings of his heart that to him I am easily forgotten and that there is little to no love within him towards me.
Another level would be deeper into my childhood. You see things online and social media of how a father is a girls first love, a fathers character is what she looks for in her husband, a father is one that a girl in a way idolizes for all the men in her life.
For me, I didn’t have that kind if father growing up. My father was and is unemotionally connected to me. He never reflected in ways the kind of man I would ever want to be with. Now, with that said, my father was a strong provider. He worked hard to keep a roof over our head and food on table. He and my mother took time to save and take us on wonderful vacations, learning experiences and such. The emotional side is what lacked and thats what the soul needs to flourish and grow and mature healthy.
My time during COVID allowed me to sit still, fully isolated from all human connection. To allow the truest of true the Father’s Love of God to come and begin to work and heal patches within my soul.
God sat me down to see that He loves me, He used vessels of other people to show that to me when isolated. Those who brought me food, those who financially supported me, those who lovingly in genuine love for me in their life, checked on my personal well-being. That opened my heart up to be healed on a level of the father abandonment issues I have housed within my soul.
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:” Ecclesiastes 3:1 KJV
It’s hard to understand sometimes why seasons change, especially when we aren’t the one’s in charge of making the change.
Like last year about this time the global season of being outgoing, carefree, vivacious, and free came to a screeching halt during the time the pandemic of COVID-19 become more impacting to us all.
The season of the pandemic seemed to take us back to yester year when we connected genuinely with one another. A season in which family became more paramount. A season of loss in many ways, such as life, job, finances, and so much more. A time this has been, that I would say probably six months of 2020 really revealed what and who was important in this world. The shops we went to closed cause they were deemed “non-essential” the sporting events deemed “non-essential” what became essential where Parents to be home while their children home schooled from computers. Front line workers of Doctors, nurses, EMTs, truck drivers, teachers, and anyone working in essential business became what was vitally important in the season.
What’s begun to happen since that season came upon us?
The restrictions and limitations have been slowly shedding…
What’s been happening as a result of that?
We’ve not stayed so deeply connected with one another. We are allowing the times to go right back into ruling our schedule. When, I wholeheartedly believe that season of shutdown globally, if people had allowed God into it, they would see that He used that season to show us what was TRULY important. He to me revealed the level of Christian brotherly and sisterly love that could come forth during such isolating times. People genuinely checked on one another, people begun to see their deep need of true community, people could see that being an island to ourself is lonely.
When the world used it to say, ok the shops are open go spend your money. Go out and support local! Which, there is nothing wrong with doing that in a way that it doesn’t consume your entire life. Helping one another yes is a God command, but why soon as restrictions let up we are all ready to head to the shops and hang out on isle 7. Yet, we still refuse to gather in Houses of Prayer due to fear of the virus. How is the virus not on isle 7 and yet its on the third church pew, that is some thinking I will never understand.
Seasons Change and some we have control in making come about, when I changed jobs that was one season change I had a hand in. Yet still even before the verdict of being accepted at the new job, God presented a choice, remain or leave… the choice was mine as we have all been given free-will to choose. I chose to leave the old job, and since I have, my anxiety level has drastically decreased. My level of worries changed. My thought shifted to new things.
Don’t get me wrong sometimes season change and bring wonderful things like new love, a wedding, a child, a promotion, a raise. Seasons changing is part of life whether we have a say or not… it will forever be what we make of the season while we are in it. That lesson alone has taken me a while to grasp in my mindset. I’m slowly getting there!
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! May it encourage you & give you hope!
In life, the time will never be right, but when God presents an opportunity; it is then up to us to trust the presentation and take a step of faith!
“Listen carefully, I am about to do a new thing, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even put a road in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19 AMP
I’ve written about this before somewhere I am sure, but the relevancy is so present in my life the month of February that it needs to be expressed again. Many times we pray to God for things like: “God, I need a new job” or “God, I want someone to love me for who I am” or “God, I need you to make changes around me”.
But what happens when the new job opportunity comes and you decide to stay where you are at.
What happens when the guy/girl comes along that will love you for who you are, but they are outside of your type.
What happens when God wants to change something about your character instead of fully removing you from situations, he wants to perfect something in you, but all you see is the error of others and not your own.
We have all in some way or another done one if not all three of those things I’ve mentioned. I know I have! But, what I’ve had to grow into and learn is to seek God about what He is wanting to do, trying to do, and presenting in my life. Now, not everything is from God, this is why we must turn to the Lord in prayer to find out the storyline behind things.
“Trust in and rely confidently on the LORD with all your heart And do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way].” Proverbs 3:5-6 AMP
If I hadn’t sat my pride down in moment when I wanted out and allowed God to work through my character defects, would I have been able to eventually get a breakthrough in an area thats been long barred from exiting. No! Had I not done the work which allowed God to use an individual to help me grow from my character defects to help promote me to my next level of an opportunity that came that would remove things like poverty, low self worth, and intense levels of anxiety, high levels of offense that none of those things would translate to where God was able to move me to had the work I needed done on my soul not been achieved.
I have so many more character flaws and defects to work through and overcome, but I am committed to making the changes I need to in this life. To improve my quality of life in all areas, as well as, preparing me for when the next opportunity comes in; which I pray is divine partnership of two Godly people. So, since its not presented I may not be ready yet and thats cool, cause I can work out the kinks I need to before they show up to make sure that I am not bringing in more fuel to a situation that the enemy fights against! Oh yeah Satan hates seeing Godly partnerships, so anything I can do now to not allow him a foot hold when that time comes I am all for slamming that door shut by doin the work I need to do on myself.
“When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.” Psalms 94:19 NASB
Learning to cope and manage my stress levels has been and is one of the most daunting and laborious tasks. I am far from having any great success in it as I am still so deeply learning the concepts of time management, being aware of my emotions, learning to step back and self-parent, learning when to reach out for counsel, and more…
On Saturday and Sunday after I blogged, I cleaned house, did laundry, grocery shopped and began mea prep, I successfully got a lasagna made that my dad (of whom I am a caregiver to) enjoyed. I made a large crockpot of spaghetti and got all the clothes put away, floors cleaned then my Post Covid fatigue hit me so hard like a ton of bricks before I could bake the lasagna and prep my lunches for the week. That it took an hour to recover to even wash the dishes before i had to stop to fight the tinnitus flair, sinus swelling flair and the body just not wanting to cooperate.
I did all this last weekend in the knowing that two days would be spent beating a many a road taking my dad to his first covid test that is now mandatory before any procedure, then taking him for breakfast, to then head a completely different direction to take a drug test, to then leave there to head to my current place of employment. That night I had to sketch out an entire day of a liquid diet for my father to follow as I would be at work and he would need to partake of the liquids I had acquired to have a successful procedure the next day. He called a few times in frustration wanting solid food and not understanding the plan of his diet. After got him settled and ok it was then time to map out his plan of his intake of solutions before his procedure and account for travel time as all this had to be done within a certain length of time. Needless to say the day of the procedure went smooth (Thank God).
This all happening while working one job, that is in total freak out mode as of the end of January, I will be leaving and moving on to new horizons. So light transitional contact will have to be there til they have more sure footing.
I know that my level of dedication, work ethic that had been above and beyond any call of duty, my level of sacrifice will not be matched. However, I do know that some level of my work is “replaceable”, for that I am no fool. When the value of a person that had done so much for so little is not appreciated or seen the value in, all the more revealing of a time to move on. For some, my missing presence will be felt, for others I am sure could careless if I am out of their life. I have had to grow to a place of knowing when to hold em and when to fold em so to speak.
I am learning to become grateful of weeks like this past week. I could have gotten offended, walled off, shut down, and gone completely off the deep end, instead I looked at every lesson as an opportunity to grow in some way. Whether it be identifying a trigger reaction within myself, realizing a level of pride that needs humbling, or seeing when I am in my flesh and not living by the spirit.
It is in this year 2021, that I want to change more of who I am in developing a Godly character in things that I long need to develop them in. I want to bot only manifest this next step that has been supported and governed by prayer and my prayer partners. That I want to manifest some big things into my life this year as well, things still unseen in the natural, but my spirit embraces them, my subconscious see’s the manifestation and my conscious faith will pull it into reality.
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“For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.” Mark 11:23 KJV
More and more as I journey along the road of life and the life as a believer in Jesus Christ, at different junctures we will often need a new level of faith. For unto us a measure was given, it then becomes our job to work that faith, grow the faith, and manifest from that faith.
Back in 2017 God had to put me in a place to grow my faith to believe for a vehicle after mine put me down. He had already begun to soften my heart when I was already half way through a negativity detox of my soul. He also made sure to surround me with people that would encourage that faith and help keep the fire stoked to see a manifestation of God opening opportunity when every odd was against me to obtain a new/used vehicle.
I had to grow that level of faith from the measure I was given as a believer. As time passed and that level of faith saw me through my battle with COVID and survived to talk about it, show to others God at work in my COVID battle and more. When you hit the end of a grade level and pass the test, your often sent to the next level, it will be new, it will take an even greater faith in that next level.
But, what about the grey area of passing the test and then the next grade promotion? Reflect on the lessons learned, see how you don’t just allow anyone in your ear to convince you that your choices are wrong. See how you have grown and showed strength instead of emotionalism. See how your able to stand for what you are truly worth instead of what others may see you as to keep an upper hand on you!
In the grey area, real hearts are exposed!
In the grey area agendas are revealed!
In the grey area you see that folks purposely withheld!
In the grey area you see truth and please don’t ignore it!
I have so much more to grow in as it relates to faith so that more mountains can be moved. I have of recent had ear-mites “attempt” to deter my path by saying things of “I wish you went to a mega church so you can find your husband” or “I wish you luck in what your about to do and I hope it works out”!
I stopped them in those moment and said I am going to church where I am supposed to be going. Your opinion of that holds no relevance and my husband of whom God will send yes will be a church going man! When the time comes God will send him to visit my church. God works in the small better then he ever will in the “mega”! I also stopped the one about my current choices and I said boldly that yes it will work out! For they have no idea of the mountain it was to cross. These folks that said this may have been an “elder” in age, but the wisdom of God supersedes that when His spirit is in something and not the opinions of flesh and folks that have lived their life already!
When peoples opinions or the worlds opinions hold you back from something God has His hand upon its time to take a look at the hand you allow to steer your life.
Have you allowed the worlds view of money rule your every decision? If so, holding on to the energy of money only keeps it away from you! Freely giving of finances is an energy that creates an open flow.
When you allow “peers” to influence your choice of church because of their ideals that is an energy of control that we must be careful of. The energy of free-will is God-given, exercise it. Fast, pray, seek outside council to help you hear from God on what is destined for your life.
Folks may have “somewhat” good intentions in mind, but not every intention is pure in nature. Be wise and seek answers before choosing based on someone else’s life choices. Cause in the end it will be your faith and what of it you choose to operate from that will help you move mountains in life and reach your destiny!
We are one week into 2021 and the spill over from 2020 continues…
This week alone has been set with history making atrocities that make Americans look so foolish, that it cannot go without saying “God help us all”!
The crap shoot of the unfolding of the political power struggle, the demonstration of mass unruliness, pointing fingers at who is to blame, all things in my opinion tactics to deflect from the real news of what isgoin on with COVID and these inoculations that they are fearfully insighting the American people to take blindly.
In my personal sphere work has been insane, needless to say when you work for an incredibly small independent mom and pop company and the financial pinch 2020 put everyone in, ownership has been tightening the reigns and demanding that us the employees do all within our capacity to collect debts. This in and of itself will make the people you interact with in face-to-face monthly hate you as ownership either demand money or we cannot carry the continuation of an exorbitant amount of debt on accounts. While they are sequestered in the sanctity of their dwelling for healthy and safety reasons during this COVID climate, they can easily say such things as they aren’t face-to-face with customers as I am. Who will be the one catching the flack, me!
In my even more personal sphere, my father that I am a caregiver for has had some ups and downs as of late and I am having to watch him carefully to see if there has been a change. At his 71 years of age and medical history I cannot take any chances with his mind going into his bipolar, schizophrenia state as he had in past years until the medication got him somewhat stable. He went down memory lane recounting how it would be my moms bday soon and how old she would have been(she passed in 2016), then he recounted his mothers bday coming up and how old she would have been(she passed in 2001).
Not even a day later he calls me in a frenzy upset the pharmacy wont refill his meds and how he needs them and they need his new insurance card and how its my fault they don’t have it, how its my responsibility to handle this and on and on and on. So, after about an hour and locating his new insurance card, calling the pharmacy I got it all tended to. Then I had to call and deal with a letter that came in the mail for him about setting up his colonoscopy and his COVID test to have the test fulfilled. He has had a hate for me since scheduling that exam for him. Now that packet of information has arrived and I have to now follow it to the letter to make sure this goes like its suppose to so we can find out why his test for why he needs this came back positive.
Having to do this alone has been daunting, but what else is to be expected this year I am not sure. I am praying God sends me a best friend to have someone to talk to in times like this cause some I am finding will blow you off quick as soon as you have met their need or want. I need someone true and that will be there with me to stand with me.
Happy trails folks in 2021, I am sure hoping by my next blog it will be cheerier!
This year has been one of the best years and one of the worst years!
Can’t that be said for just about every year we face… year after year we face tragedy in small and large scale and victories in small and large scale. As a whole, 2020 has been just that, as I discharge the negative that has been highly propagated, with a pause to look at the bigger picture of what this year has truly encompassed.
Globally we have faced a pandemic, weather disasters, economic distress, massive depression, abusive behaviors toward one another or one-self and so much more.
In turn we have slowed down, connected better with children, connected on a new level of intimacy in couples, technology had become a mainstream ways to connect with others outside our dwelling places and so much more.
For myself, I have had a vehicle stripped away from me, loss of my fur-child, contracted COVID-19, and so much more.
But, having my vehicle stripped away from me made a level of pride kneel to a higher authority of not setting things above God. Loosing my fur-child caused me to revisit wounds from the loss of my mother from back in 2016, that needed to be fully grieved out and allow for healing to come. Then, contracting COVID allowed me time in full isolation to deal with childhood traumas of not being validated, loved, nurtured in ways that promote healthy growth. I have begun to learn to allow the love of the Father to come and fill those void places within my soul. That had I not been fully isolated I wouldn’t have even begun to allow healing to come into the depths that could lead me to paths of destruction.
My alone time in isolation really revealed a depth of need that I have within me for validation from quality time I spend with people. Quality time is such a strong love language for me it seems that if I don’t manage it and control myself in it, that it will rule and drive me. My isolation time made me see this and learn ways to become self-contented and pour into myself, enjoy time with myself, allow the love from others that has spent time with me to flood my soul. As my Pastor says it is variations of self-parenting that will begin to fill the voids and depths from lack from formative years. If I don’t grow and deal with this now I will deplete my future husband from trying to fulfill things for me that are essentially not his job to do.
2020 had been a molding and making year indeed for me. Removing dependency upon the worldly things to have a sense of security. When in my time battling COVID, God used that to strip away dependency from the world and drive me straight into His arms to depend upon Him. Being out of work meant no income, aside from the fact that I don’t have employer covered health coverage. Faith and my tribe of believers and as I was told by my Pastor being a tither and a giver using faith in that time had stocked up enough in the banks of heaven to see a withdrawal come forth to see that I stayed in my apartment and my bills got paid. Still now with hours cut and such my bills are still getting paid and being a giver and a tither prove that God will look out for His children.
It is now in this time when the threshold of the new is approaching and the closed door to the old is about to be shut, that we need to take back the peace, joy, and love that the Father has so freely given us and shake off the fear, doubts, worry, and depression that the world and the ruler there of has put on the people that have no way to combat it. I will fight to gain peace, I will fight to get my love story back on track, I will fight to know that the joy of the Lord is my strength. I will fight to shake off the propaganda that a vaccine will save the world when I will only create more problems and thats proving to be true even now with the virus mutations, I will fight off worry cause my Father has unlimited source no matter how often they threaten a government shut down. I will fight off doubts of how it all will turn out and look through the lenses of faith to see what hasn’t manifested yet, that will will I see it clearly by faith. I will shake off depression cause that is a culmination of allowing to world to control me, put me in their box and to be a robot under their operation. Break free from those things and allow the heavenly to steer you! Money helps our living in this world, but when it is our driving force then it becomes futile. Allow faith in God to be the driving force.
Thank you all for taking time to read my blog! Thank you for all the new ones and future subscribers!
“Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19 NKJV
2020 has been the most challenging year!
I know that is a huge statement right?! But, truly how many can relate to that one statement. I know for me this year, God had been stripping away from me the doubt that life has instilled in me and to put my full faith and trust in Him!
Boy oh boy has that been difficult! When 2020 decided to throw its many curve balls our way, one thing I feared the most was not working. Job after job after job was being shut down for being non-essential, a hot spot for the virus to spread, or because of the non-essential factor the company had to fold. Being that I work in tele-communication we were deemed vital. The next thing was having to close up cause someone got the virus. Who was that someone…. me!
Now, I am not saying God put Corona Virus on me, however; He can and will use things in our life for our good (Romans 8:28). I allowed my time in isolation to take me down roadways in my soul that I need healing in. Healing from traumatic upbringings, healing from emotionally unavailable parents, healing from not being validated as a child. All these voids need healing by the tender agape love of the father, as it is only Him that can fulfill me in every way.
Isolation also ushered me into a place of faith and trust in Him that I hadn’t ever tapped into. I was out of work for 22 days, which meant no income coming in. I had to pull on faith snd I put it out in the world that if anyone felt lead to help me and some did help me and I was able to pay rent and people brought food so I didn’t have to cook, God showed up and showed out in His love for me through surrendered people toward His heart.
No matter where the paths of life may take us, may they for ever lead us to the father and his unconditional love to heal every soul wound of the past. To lead us toward brighter smoother pathways ahead.