“Why standest thou afar off, O Lord? why hidest thou thyself in times of trouble?”
Psalm 10:1 KJV
There comes a point each year for me that a mode of questioning everything comes around, I have taken note of when learning to pay attention to myself. By this, I mean learning to observe my thoughts and emotions to hopefully gain better control of myself when they want to tale the wheel and drive me in this lifetime. After all, it is called self-control and not others-control.
I have to acknowledge these times and yes know that my thoughts and feelings are valid and then lessen their power by doing so in acknowledging them. This then allows me a doorway to finding out the root of whats going on with me.
For three days now…
I have been in an introspective, intense thinking, re-observation of things that have played out that has well triggered this space of dwelling in my thoughts for too long and not combatting them with truth.
Its funny how I’ve been built where I can revisit situations, conversations, times and places and see it from as if an out of body perspective on the same things my conscious mind may not have initially comprehended at the time when the situation occurred. Course in my pre-mature stage, that allowed me to see things in a twisted way in their revisiting and able to repaint it in a way that appeased my soul.
I’ve had to learn through progression to se things in truth and for what they really where. Did I take something the wrong way when it was said and when I got all offended, was that really have how I should have taken it. Was there any validity in the statement, was their something I needed to see about myself, or was it a projection from an issue from the other person.
These are things that are hard to grow in. Its taken me years and years. Even to this day I still have to do this. But, the time from reaction to fixing it has been progressively getting shorter and shorter. I still have such a long way to go.
I sit back looking and observing things at work, at home, in my interpersonal connections… then not dealing with things properly…
I wonder…have they lied to me
I wonder…do they even really give one care bout me
I wonder…why do they have anything to do with me
I wonder…why they got close to others and not me
I wonder…why wasn’t I chosen
And on, and on, and on
This tailspin happens to the point of where It will cause me to shut down and block out everyone. Yes, this is something that has been on repeat in my life and something I have taken note of that I do.
But why do I do this…
It all boils down to lack of healthy things a child needs when growing up. I lacked validation of my humanity and who I am as a person from a very early age. My parents were hard working individuals and provided everything within their means for us…Yet, I have emotionally lacked.
It is up to me to fix this and validate myself by enlisting the truth of God’s word on who I am, how much I am loved, how much I am here for a purpose for His kingdom, how much He has His hand upon my very life.
Last year I could have died when I had COVID and yet I am still here for a purpose.
No matter who comes and who goes
No matter who validates you or not
No matter what happens or not
I believe without a shadow of a doubt, that my God is with me til the end…the one and only answer to all of Life’s Questions.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! Be sure to Like, Comment & Subscribe