In my darkest hour of receiving the call from the nurse to say, “Ms. Gunn, your COVID-19 test results came back as positive, you will need to isolate yourself ASAP!”
Needless to say an immediate rush of every kind of emotion rose up within my body! Many I had to tell because I was positive incase they were exposed by proxy of me. Everyone I had been around never got it from me!
But, thats not the point of this blog…
This blog is gonna go to a deeper level of what I faced in those dark 22 days of isolation…
In isolation during having COVID-19 you are in a way at the time I had it, doubly isolated. Before I contracted the virus we were limited to what we could do, what stores were open, the amount of people that could gather together was restricted to 10 people.
So, in an already isolated state, I contracted Covid-19, that sent me to the next level of isolation, which was complete isolation. No human contact unless by cellphone, social media, or people being masked up, gloved up, and highly socially distanced for everyones safety as the contagion that COVID is, is highly spreadable in the simplest of circumstances.
It was in this time, between battling fevers, trying to hydrate, trying to fight the virus with over-the-counter medicine, trying to keep strength up that its so taxing not just on the body, but on the mind as well!
In this state of battling and my father still within the dwelling with me…socially distanced of course and I took every precaution so he wouldn’t catch it from me and He didn’t, he remains unexposed to what I had going on.
In those 22 days my biological father, only asked me twice if I was ok.
Needless to say the journey of this isolation process, made come to surface every daddy issue I could have. Yes I admit it to the world here and now!
I have Daddy issues!
The first week battling covid was the worst as thats when most if this boiled to the surface of my soul(mind, will,and emotions). By week two I was determined to use my isolation time to not only heal and recover from COVID, but to begin to heal the wounds in my soul from a disconnected father figure.
It has taken me weeks to put this together piece-by-piece to not only heal but to deal with layer upon layer of my father issues.
The time my father tried to commit suicide was the final straw that sealed the deal to all my issues and truly shown me my earthly fathers disjointed love toward his own daughter.
In his state of mental disconnect…of which many told me and still tell me to not take personal due to the state of mind he was in hurt and damaged me truly to the core of my being in a way even I can’t find any words to group that could make it understandable.
He took the pills and was rushed to the hospital. From there under intense evaluation and surveillance. One by one we were allowed back to see him. Being as my mother was in a wheelchair and handicap she couldn’t be left alone. So it was my brother and I who took turns goin back with mom, while she sat with dad. When it was my turn I went back and with the straightest face, cold, dark, soul-less eyes he looked at me and asked me who I was. Immediate heartbreak sat in my soul and I turned and walked out and told my brother to go back with our mother. It took him two days to remember who I was.
To this day being my fathers caregiver it hurts to the core knowing the true feelings of his heart that to him I am easily forgotten and that there is little to no love within him towards me.
Another level would be deeper into my childhood. You see things online and social media of how a father is a girls first love, a fathers character is what she looks for in her husband, a father is one that a girl in a way idolizes for all the men in her life.
For me, I didn’t have that kind if father growing up. My father was and is unemotionally connected to me. He never reflected in ways the kind of man I would ever want to be with. Now, with that said, my father was a strong provider. He worked hard to keep a roof over our head and food on table. He and my mother took time to save and take us on wonderful vacations, learning experiences and such. The emotional side is what lacked and thats what the soul needs to flourish and grow and mature healthy.
My time during COVID allowed me to sit still, fully isolated from all human connection. To allow the truest of true the Father’s Love of God to come and begin to work and heal patches within my soul.
God sat me down to see that He loves me, He used vessels of other people to show that to me when isolated. Those who brought me food, those who financially supported me, those who lovingly in genuine love for me in their life, checked on my personal well-being. That opened my heart up to be healed on a level of the father abandonment issues I have housed within my soul.
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