Rejections Ugly Monster!

Rejection and Abandonment continued…

I began to open up some about Rejection and Abandonment how these issues showed up in my life in ways. But today, I will talk about more of how those created voids within myself.

As a child I don’t recall feeling or hearing much in the lines of love and acceptance except for like highlight events of birthday, graduation etc. just major life events is when those things were expressed.

It wasn’t until I joined an inner life ministry that it was exposed to me that lack of love in formative years of growing up is a huge lack of soul nourishment. I was completley broken at that point in realizing I was deficient in my soul of key things needed in growing up.

So there in laid some of the rejection issues. So how did the abandonment come into play right? Well on at least three to four occasions my father walked in where we were as children and told us he was leaving us. Thats devistating no matter your age to hear a parent is leaving. This brought in abandonment and rejection all the more.

How do I overcome these deeply rooted issues with in? I had to first forgive as to not further hold this against my parents. Then I had to accept the reality of the situation of thats just how it was for me growing up. Then I have to strive to fill the nutrient void places within with the God love to work toward healing. Am I healed? No! Am I better than I was before these issues were revealed? To a degree yes! It will be a constant work to maintain in this life.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Illegitimate Children!

Rejection and Abandonment issues are the illegitimate children of Comparison and Acceptance Issues.

Due to many years of comparison and acceptance issues it was found within me the issues of rejection and abandonment. Other factors also contributed to the rejection and abandonment issues, but for this blog I will only talk about how comparison and acceptance issues opened up for rejection and abandonment to follow in to my life.

So, from prior blogs I discussed how I measured every part of my life up to others and I was always disappointed since I didn’t measure up. I also became a chameleon to blend into what others wanted and loose myself and not accept myself as they didn’t accept me for who I was.

How does that open up to rejection and abandonment in this case. Well here we go as I will share some now.

I had a prebuild system goin in my heart and mind. Now granted still things I am working to overcome even now so I have not arrived and won’t I have to keep renewing to not fall back into the old comfort. Have I fallen back into old comfort? YES! This is a daily battle.

So, when new people would come into my life amd I have that prebuilt thinking system I had a hold on me to not let myself fully go into things.

What does that mean? Say for example, I would be introduced to a guy I would with hold much of myself from things like openly expressing things, or not sharing just much of myself to help build things. Many times they never got past friendship as to my walls. Then when they left because of my issues I felt rejected and abandoned by them.

Another example would be a lady would come into my life and she be true and genuine with me, but I would withhold gratitude, love and appreciation of her acceptance of me for her willingness to be my friend.

When someone comes and stays, because all others left I began unknowingly pushing away because, well if the rest left why wouldnt this one. All it takes is one to see that you have potential to get help to overcome and is willing to ride it out with you to help begin to shift the thinking of old. Those people are rare so if one comes in your life they are worth fighting to keep.

All these issues created so many problems of walls and distance and lack of love that I truly reached a point to get the help needed. Like I mention before its a daily work to keep renewing in good over the many years of negative and toxic issues I housed within. The one who remained helps me when things flair up to see them and work to overcome them in genuine love to see the best for me.

All these issues are very real. Perhaps my writings can help see someone in your life going through these same things and you can develop an understandng of compassion and love them til the issues begin to fade and they find a new normal to live.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

#Comparison #Acceptance #Rejection #Abandonment #photographyblog

Walk in the park!

Adventure is always calling!

Had the pleasure of goin to a park on Saturday, it was a bit change of the normal, but fun was had. Took my sunday school kids out to celebrate one if their birthdays.

We got to the park had lunch together and they ran off to go play. Other kids were there and others were going to have a birthday gathering also.

We walked out on the pier, saw some small schools of fish, saw some bigger fish jump, then play play play on all the park structures. They ran, they laughed and made other friends with kids at the park.

As time passed on we left went to another location then after time left there and went for ice cream. So, back to the park we went. This time after they got goin with all the ice cream in them I joined in on the fun.

I climbed up on one of the structures with them and they had a two seater slide. I sat down with one beside me and we slid down. Oh how it amped in excitement from there. I would hear “Miss Cynthia its my turn to slide with you” so I would hurry up the structure and slide with my next kid awaiting their turn to slide with me.

It was so much fun as if recapturing my youth going along with the children. There was a single slide very tall next to the two seater one. I said come on kids line up and we will have a sunday school train. Shouts of “yay”, “where are my shoes”, “wait for me” and “come on guys”, all burst from their lil bodies in that moment.

We all lined up the birthday kid leading the way, then me and the other kids one by one we all came down in a line. We packed up the day and to be sure in one lil burst it was, “oh do we have to go home”, “Miss Cynthia your the best”, “can we play a lil longer”, “ohhhhk”.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

#walk #park #butterfly #timewithchildren

Huh? No way!

Personal acceptance can be a hard pill to swallow!

Embarking on this journey has brought about well let say much enlightenment.

I have begun to become aware of my true self. That is knowing myself by my temperments, the wounds in my soul, toxic strongholds that shaped in how I view things or perceive things and how I thought on things.

Which coming to understand all these things have helped me begin to love myself. I am unique in my own special way there is no other exactly like me, perhaps similar, but not fully the same as the life path, experiances, faith, etc.

I have learned so much about myself especially in understanding my temperments that there are good and bad (strengths and weaknesses) that I have been able to get help with by my Pastor and Life Coach, to begin to tackle the weaknesses to grow in them to not be so weak in them.

I have had to embrace that in one of my temps I am loyal/faithful which there for the weakness has come that I don’t outwardly express love well. So, by taping into the fruit of the spirit I am working to overcome my temperment short commings. To begin to show people I love and care for them. Life is to be lived and expressing love for those we care for, not just hidden inside for no one but self to know.

It was also in this self acceptance journey that I understand better why I am an ambivert. Its due to my temperment combinations working in me. That cause me to be both outgoing and an introvert. Which some just don’t understand. Which is fine as it is the wonderment of me.

I am embracing that I can be outgoing or introvert or commonly of people with both as mentioned before known as an ambivert.

Most are known as one or the other but I have both tendancies. There are some that understand the both tendancies of being outgoing or introverted, those people are amazing to have in life. They are patient and loving and accept that you either want to go out or need time alone.

Learning to love myself amd accept myself has had some challenges, but those are challenges worth taking to become a better person.

~ Love Life ~ Live Life ~ πŸ˜‰

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

#Acceptance #self #love

How in the world is this gonna work?!?!

How now can I find a place of personal acceptance?

It all begins as my Pastor told me of knowing my full truth. Seeing all the good, bad, the ugly in me and not rejecting those things for they are who I truly am inside. I can hide them behind a mask or veil with others but for so long til they come peeping out around the corner to make themselve known.

Truth of myself had to pierce the veil that I had so cleverly constructed to blend into the world around me. One truth came it pierced the veil, more kept coming to tear it wide open to see more of the full truth that is well me. Was it pretty? To say the least, lets just say there are some big parts that still need work.

One by one and step by step as my Pastor tells me in councel so I can focus on achieving one development in an area at a time and not be all over working on pieces of all of them and not getting anywhere. Cause honestly before her I would be all over working on pieces of all the problems I saw needed addressing in me.

Pastor has referred to Shakepear’s famous quote of “To thine own self be true” it struck a new resonance within me as she brought it forth in a way to grow in my inner person. Once I am able to be fully honest with myself and true to myself it can then spill out in the world around me.

Instead of me becoming a camelion and blending in any longer I can know that deep within its ok to stand out and be different and the things I work to better within me can have a impact on the world around me.

I can, like she says, live from the inside out over what I have been doing of living from the outside in.

To be honest the taintedness of this world coming into my life has not been the greatest taking on of things. But, living from the inside out by aide of the spirit I can use Gods strength, righteousness and power to overcome the acceptance issue step by step and the journey has begun.

~Love Life ~Live Life ~ πŸ˜‰

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

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Do you not see it?!?!

Self-Rejection is a very real problem!

My open door to personally not accept myself was wide open. This came from the comparison issues I have shared about in other blog posts.

I had developed a mindset that if I had a flaw that wasn’t accepted by someone close to me then it was my instinct to reject it and do anything to blend in better.

This caused me essentially to loose much of myself and blind me to my real inner issues that I need to work on in my soul.

I began to only know me through the eyes of others. Which in some cases were not so great opinions due to many things.

What God began to do in my life was begin to separate me from people for my own good. As I needed to discover myself and know the true meaning of appropraite self-love and knowing of His love through others that did remain.

Am I there to full personal acceptance? I can honestly say, No! But, what I will share is that daily I take a step closer toward personal acceptance. Gods view and opinion of me and my own self view are the confidence builders I am working toward attaining.

As, I have come to learn and accept its part of life that some will not accept me as a person and some will. I just have to trust God for the true people that will see me and appreciate me in fullness as I should them also.

Acceptance starts with self as no other but God through His son and the true people of God he brings into your life can help you and I build a foundation of confidence in Him.

Close the door to outside void fillers such as a man, woman, job, or hobby to fill the void in a soul like the true love of God in finding acceptance.

~Love Life ~ Live Life~ πŸ˜‰



Dysfunctional Marriage!

The worse thing in the world is the coming together of two toxic issues!

The marriage of comparison issues and acceptance issues became very aware to me as I began to detox the emotions, pain, memories, and finally expose root issues deep within my soul.

Comparison was a gateway to open myself up to more ways I could be destroyed by forces of darkness. I opened myself up to them unknowingly giving legal grounds to come and torture my mind.

As I saw I would never measure up to anyone else or that I didn’t fit the “ideal” mold of others I began to not accept myself. My own personal acceptance had become hinged off what others said, thought and if they wanted to be around me.

When it appeared that none accepted me I truly lost all acceptance for myself. For as long as I can remember this was how it has been for me, all the way back to school days. I was cordial to most but never close to anyone as I wasn’t fully accepted.

Even down the years when men came into my life I compared then didn’t feel accepted because of a flaw or my issue and I know they picked up the insecurity and kept me in the friend zone. Which later was Gods love sparing me from more pain and disappointment.

It wasn’t til most recent that my root issues are being allowed to come to the surface and I am dealing with them one on one. I have learned that comparison will cause me to never measure up to anyone other than myself. I have my life and path to take and they are different for all of us.

So, I am learning to control my comparison thoughts, as well as, being in a time of learning to fully accept me.

No one else’s acceptance of me can fill the void in my soul. I have to fill it up first with appropriate self love and Gods love through those He has given me in this life.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

#Comparison #Acceptance

Secret place…

Do you have a place where you can go to and silence the noise from within and around you?

My secret place of many is by the water. I go there to my secret place at least once a week if not more during storms of life to regain some peace.

I have other secret places within my personal dwelling and within my spirit I run to to find comfort, love and peace.

For me the waves crashing on the shore remind me of many things that God is in control. He is a deep and endless love and the very son of his Jesus is my Prince of Peace.

I sit at the picnic tables or like I did yesterday in feeling youthful sat on the swing set and just looked out at the creation by my creator who wants to create in me the likeness of His son by the fruit of the spirit.

The slow motion of the water and the birds gliding througg the air amd the flowers and bush gently rustling in the breeze slows down my soul (mind, will, and emotions) to discard the junk and tap into hearing the voice of the spirit which always brings truth.

Psalm 91 ~ He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High, shall abide under the shadow of the almighty, I will say of the Lord He is my refuge and fortress and in Him I will trust.

~ Love Life ~ Live Life ~ πŸ˜‰

Me at my secret place.


#secretplace #water #beach #quiet #stillness

Why Her and Not Me?!?!

What does she have that I don’t?

How many times have I said this when what I thought was building a friendship with a man was goin smoothe then next thing is facebook has a relationship status of a “relationship”.

So, that lead into what does she have that I don’t. Yes, more comparison.

Was she prettier, funnier, smarter, thinner, a particular hair color just what is it that set her above in his choices.

I would run myself down inwardly for so many different things about my weight, my appearance, my life and so many other things just to try fit into their “ideal” mold.

What has happened with me doing that had created walls and barriers in myself to where I don’t know the real and true me for the only me that I knew was the me that was trying to adapt to anothers ideal.

I had lost myself in trying to help God along in my process. When all along, and the other was chosen, that was suppose to be the means to get me to seek after the one who truly wanted my heart for who I really am. He knew me already and had choosen me, but he has been patiently waiting for me to choose Him.

So, I have choosen Him and it is becoming the most enjoyable thing to have a loving, unconditonal man in my life that if I have a flaw arise he doesn’t throw me away. If I have an issue He will help me overcome them. If I need his love he sends it in the form of those he has already given me in my life.

I am learning that to never forsake your first love is to let him have your heart for the entirety that it is. For, if He wants a true and genuine real man on the earth realm to be in my world like that he too will have a heart of God. Til then the King of Kings can have my whole heart and keep it with His love.

~Love Life ~ Live Life~

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Once Upon….

Once upon a time in a land of a small town of Eastern NC lived a girl…

Sounds interesting right? LOL

In a small town next to an even smaller county of people where everyone knows everyone. We are all interconnected by family, friends, marriages, jobs or some connecting link.

With that, we all have some information on a level about each ones life. If your prone like I have been to kind of sit back and see where your life measures (yes comparison) against those around you then you may feel left behind, forgotten/forsaken, or missed opportunities.

I know for myself that was the case for years and on a level still continues. But, I am going to master my mind as to where it is allowed to go, think, and meditiate on.

Those comparisons are not fully factual. I am measuring my life by what is presented that may not even be what is the actuality of the life I am comparing it to. They may even be looking at my life and comparing themself to me. I don’t know, as I can only speak from my perspective.

It was because I am in an inner life ministry that these things needed to surface and be dealt with. If I don’t deal with them now they could be not so great later on in life as the comparison issue could grow and grow and possibly handicap me mentally and emotionally.

My life is just as it is to be at this present moment. I am learning to serve whole heartedly and learning to love unconditionally (Agape) buy the fruit of the spirit as to where my flesh (temperments and self) has limits.

My comparisons have opened the door for depression, fear, doubt, worry and anxiety. But its now with my tools I am learning to gain control back over my life and not let my mind be open to any and every voice. Keenly listening for the voice of truth to lead, guide and direct me to become stable in my ways and have peace in life.

This is my Once Upon a time of freedom in my inner person.

~ Love Life ~ Live Life ~ πŸ˜‰

~Cynthia 😍