Am I as lonely as I feel?

~Wounded Soul~

As I was listening to an amazing teaching moment yesterday on (linked if you want to watch) Relationships Part 1 By Juanita Gibbs Focusing on Rejection and this information resonated with me deeply.

I have a deep wound of rejection! This wound is a scar on my soul (mind, will, and emotions) that needs to be healed. She spoke on how these things can surface in deeply intimate “ships” (friendships/marriages/families).

In taking time of reflection of the current trial I am in as of last week, that wounded soul showed out! By showed out it walked in offense, it was sarcastic, rude, disrespectful, ill-tempered, angry, depressed, and emotionally distraught! That soul is mine that I am referring to and it saddens me to even know that ugly part of me is me.

But… in saying that, its in knowing my truth, that I can walk toward freedom. That freedom will only come by truth and the word of God!

In my trial my soul wanted to amplify my situation and show me ONLY how alone I was with all that stacked against me. But my soul was in full on emotional tsunami within me! So, I wasn’t sober in thinking, I wasn’t sober in interactions with others, and I sure wasn’t sober in decision making!

Now, before I go on, I want to clarify something… sobriety isn’t just from alcohol! Sobriety is a clearness and not being affected by something. I was highly effected by my emotions and the surge of them made me emotionally intoxicated!

Yes, this is a real thing! Haven’t you noticed when you breakup the emotional surge you have, its the same just in my case wasn’t in the relationship context, but in circumstances context.

However, in all my trial last week, even though my emotions wanted me to feel alone. Thus the rise of the rejection and abandonment issues I have within, I wasn’t really fully alone. I had two amazing people show up and out to help me above and beyond.

When anyone else I had asked for help from turned me down or was unable to assist. Which, my issue that arose isn’t from them, its from my core issue within that got touched and now that I see it, it needs to be healed.

Needless to say last week I failed the test and allowed my self to walk away from the spirit, almost giving up on God, and turning my back on my spiritual family that has been there for me the most. All because of my intoxicated emotions.

This morning, the test has re-surfaced. For it to be so close, back to back it got my attention. Like God is saying get this test passed now before the next level comes. I’m close to the brink of something in the spirit and I have got to pass this test.

On my way in to work about half way my journey, I heard a roaring and I pulled over to find a flat tire. I eventually worked my way out of the median and onto the side of the road where it would be somewhat safer. I turned my hazard lights on and reached out to the only folks that I knew could help me in any way. As I sat there in communication with them, I noticed a truck pull up behind me. Someone actually stopped to help me with my flat tire. I had a spare, he had the jack and tools and everything to get me back on the road, I was so grateful.

After I had gotten back on the road and almost to my destination, I heard that same familiar voice within, now you got this repair, and you haven’t even gotten the other one repaired. I had to stop the player inside and focus on faith! By God is was hard when I felt the pull to just sink into depression and flesh again so hard that the war is always within ourself! Outside circumstances just bring whats inside going on to the forefront.

It is my hope that as I share my struggles and what I am going through to change me is an encouragement to others. That if I can change, so can you! Its a journey, be patient with yourself and take one step at a time.

If you enjoyed this blog leave me a comment below, I would love to hear from my readers.

Amazon for my Book: Beauty from Ashes

Much Encouragement & Love

Cynthia 💞

What’s love got to do with it?

That question has been circling for a while now.

In the world in which we reside what does love have to do with it?

In the Biblical sense there are various forms of love.

  • AgapeUnconditional Love
  • Phileo Brotherly Love
  • Storge Family Love
  • Eros Passionate Love

The world in which we are passing through only focus and spot light one type of love. Its seen in commercials, magazine ads, movies and its beginning to filter into some children programs.

To focus on one type of love will only continue to polute a society that if the one love fades its ok to leave it and move on to another for that same type of love. Hense the high divorce rate and people electing to even marry.

When true love of God (Agape) is deeply ingrained in an individual then the other loves will have proper placement. My pastor has been teaching on Agape love that I see I need to come up in it.

Agape as was mentioned is unconditional love. When people cross you, irritate, run you down, reject you, abandon you, etc there is a love that can be pulled on to get through it and keep loving others as we are commanded by God to do.

My human love has limitations I will admit. These limits come from the woulds of rejection, abandonment and lack or love nourishment in my young years of growing up.

But, now as I keep learning about Gods love even if I am rejected God loves me. When I am crossed or offended I must forgive and continue in love. For God forgave me much then I must also forgive and walk in His love. This is what love has to do with it.

This world in which we reside thrives on negativity and drama and wants to feed your feelings of rejection, abandonment, offense and ways to cause strife.

When we manage those feelings as we pull on Agape we can cause the inner issues to begin to starve and die off when we quit feeding them. This is what love has to do with it.

The love of God has everything to do with it!

~Love Life~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Love Affair Pt 1

Sounds scandalous right!!

The love affair I am beginning is well loving myself.

I have been on a journey of self discovery for a few months now. Its been a journey to say the least. Even my writing these blogs have helped me discover hidden parts of me.

But, in actuality the self discovery began with my church teaching us about self deception, knowing our truth, loving our truth no matter what it looks like. It was this that really began to set this all in motion.

I am learning to love myself beyond all the issues in my soul that has surfaced the abandonment, rejection, comparison, acceptance, fear, doubt, worry, anxiety and depression.

Learning to work through those issues to come to a level of healing. Learning that those issues don’t define me they are part of me but they will be learned of to take control of and manage them. Learning that just because I have issues is no reason to reject myself as I have been doing.

Everyone has issues of some kind I have also learned. Like me they hide the real you, they hide the issue, hide that all is perfect and well. But, when the real test comes thats when the guard is let down and the issues are revealed. Least thats how it has been for me, the test would come and show where I was at.

I am also learning that my love has limits as to why when I see I have issues I reject even myself. This is when the fruit of the spirit of love has had to come in the more. To pull on Gods eternal love for me.

To know even in my mess God still extends grace and mercy to me to work on my short comings and be healed amd walk free from them and to help others like me at some point overcome.

Will I ever be fully free from my issues? Maybe in level as healing happens. Other issues within will require management on my part.

May I keep walking this journey day by day to love myself knowing by Faith God does no matter what.

~Love Life~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Filing for Separation!

I have had enough! I cannot take putting up with you any more!

The echo of those words reverberate in the world we live in today. I has become the common norm to give up and walk away. But, somethings its ok to walk away from.

I have choosen to file for separation from fear, doubt, worry, anxiety, comparison, rejection, acceptance and abandonment! Divorcing can be a long drawn out process to come to the conclusion of a separation.

In the state in which I reside one year of separation has to happen before such can occur in a marriage (covenant agreement) the same is so with agreements we have built within our mind and soul that are contrary to truth. Least that is how it is for me as things come known in truth of where I am in life.

I have wrong agreements that I defend, uphold and gripe against when test and trials come my way. I defend the wrong agreement by saying “I am a believer of Jesus and shouldn’t have to go through this” or I uphold it by saying “well I was a bad believer and fell short and this is my punishment”, etc.

Sick right.

That is how I took a false belief and ran with it for too many years. My wrong inner agreement show themself when the trials come. On occasion my word do they show themself out of me in my character, attitude and display of immaturity.

The way to now grow is to learn to see the trouble, feel what I feel about it, do what I can about it, trust God to meet me in the midst and be with me and rely on him as I cast the care onto him to take on, and renew my mind in His faithfulness to not dwell for to long in it.

Sounds like work doesn’t it?

That is because it is work!

Work is envolved in any separation. Cutting off dependancy to what was once a comfort and a go to in times of trouble. To not lean on things of old as you begin to press toward a new life away from what you want to leave behind and start over fresh and new!

Slowly I am going to take my life back and live it in the spirit of truth as best I can with the help of the Lord, good wise councel and leadership that i am eternally greatful for in this season of life.

~ Love Life ~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Paralyzing Fear!!

Fear can rise up within to such a place where your paralzyed in a sense.

How can that be right?

Well…..

For me fear began to creep its way in my life through the issues and strongholds in my mind I battle of comparison, acceptance, rejection and abandonment, as well as, having a tender too wide open heart.

Being a woman in my 30s its been a journey of life to this point as there are some things I have yet to blog about but as I am lead I will begin to share them, but for now I will stick with this.

Single at any age can be well what it is alone for the most part. I have had an overwhelming fear most of this life of mine that certain things would not find me, be for me due to the fear housed with in. This goes back to what I blogged about yesterday about F.O.M.O. I had a fear of missing out on what others got to enjoy and be part of in life and that kept me paralyzed in a state of frenzy and haste for a long time. Wearing myself out in my strength to make things be that were obviously not of him. Test after test you would think I would have learned but thats the paralyzing effect of what fear can do.

But the fear is not of God it is a worldly and not of this world fear to keep me from pressing on into what my purpose is in life.

When people fell away from my life distraction was removed and I was then faced to deal with me, the woman in the mirror. It was a battle on my councelor/life coach side to help me see truth, accept reality, and let go of bitterness and strife I once felt.

Slowly, layer by layer fear has begun to fade and flee and I will not give into the fear as much as I can in my human strength, but Gods strength meets me in the weakness. As fear has begun to flee, love and genuine Godly agape love has begun to fill the voids in the soul pushing out the fear where, faith, hope and love can begin to abide.

Are they abiding deep within me? Faith, Hope and Love? No at this time I can honestly say they are not. But day by day I want to be a little better at abiding in them then I was the days, weeks, months or years prior to this point. To be where I can say I only live once (Y.O.L.O.) and I am working by grace of his strength to learn wisdom, truth applicable to my life and walk and become the best version on me I can be in life.

If your reading this and battle fear know that there is hope. Retrain your mind and see positive over negative. Yes it will be hard as I walk through this myself. But in time as you keep at the work fear will begin to flee and faith, hope and love can reside where fear once was.

~Love Life ~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Power Hungry Fortresses!

We may not realize it, but how our behaviors indicate our hunger for power and control!

Things happen to us, around us, and within us most all the time. Its all in how we perceive, receive and deal with what happens to us of how much it will either reinforce a fortress (stronghold) in our mind or bring it down. These are some of my walls built inside me that engage when things happen.

For me, having such lack of proper nutrients in formative years, and rejection, abandonmemt, comparison and acceptance issues all these things have been a strong fortress within my soul.

As I have blogged about already these things within take time to overcome, as they, like Rome were not built in a day, but in a lifetime up to the point of beginning to confront and deal with them.

Sitting in church last night during discussion time I began to see where I had been using all the bad things of my past to control and manipulate my surroundings in some way. I was shocked at my behavior and devistated that I would allow such power to over rule the power of God. All because of these fortresses within me, when things would happen everything inside of me began to hasten to regain control that felt lost.

In reality of the matter, care came into my life in the form of my Pastor to shed light on an area I dearly needed addressing or I would continue to walk around open to hurt, pain, wounding the more.

Care and love in a soul that lacked knowing of any of such things growing up is foreign and not received graciously in the beginning as it is like paving a new road. Hitting rocks, holes and all such desbrie to clear a path of what is good in the uncharted territory of a soul like mine. I do pray in time as I tackle the negative still within, continue to tackle the fortresses with truth to take them down that a newness will begin to take shape in my life.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Visit my Pastor Juanita Gibbs blog:

wholebodywellness365.wordpress.com

Self Imprisonment!!

We can keep ourself captive in many ways.

For me my imprisonment came in several ways, but for this blog I will focus on one way and that firstly is in my thinking. In my mental processes it has come to the light that I think very negative. I think negative about myself, my surroundings, situations and circumstances, how I view and perceive things. Sounds bad right?

Well it has been! The negative is like building a snowball. They just grow and grow til its taken shape and become a fortified fortress within of negativity. My very own self imprisonment.

Ever since March of this year I have been batteling to become less negative. It is so not easy! Its hard dedicated work to become even 10% less negative when you were full on negative, well maybe just in my case!

I have not become negative free on any respect of the word! But in a small degree I am not as negative as I was earlier in the year. When I have rough patches those negative things flair right back up as if I had done no work to combat them. Just shows how deeply negative I am in my inner life all these years.

When the rough patches come the reveal to me where I am unrenewed (Romans 12:1-2) and have to work/wrestle to get back to a place of renewal in my thinking. I have to use the sword of the word (Hebrews 4:12) to divide my thoughts that cause my imprisonment and use the word of God as a key to break the chains of bondage in my prison.

Its gonna be a fight for the rest of my days to keep renewed but with Gods help and councel/Coaching, and me doing the work one day maybe the fight won’t be so strong as I strive to become stronger in the word of faith over negative words from within. This is my fight of faith!

~Love Life ~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Walls of comfort!!

Depression can construst walls within!

I have written about depression before, but wanted to bring it up again in relation to walling up on the inside.

What is depression? Depression is defined as a self doubt. I have post in prior blogs about my comparison, acceptance, abandonment and rejection issues and all these issues have a layer of self doubt contained within them.

All these factors working hand in hand create a vacancy for depression to live in my soul. When you feel rejected by the world and then reject yourself that is a whole lot of self doubt. It sometimes reaches a place of why continue to battle the endless cyclea that it is instead of keep repeating things over and over again.

So, to combat depression the other issues have to be tackled as they are deeply rooted issues. What is the opposite of self doubt? Self confidence!! Even that is hard to find after a lifetime of hurt/pain and wounds.

Walls are built in a defense to keep from going through the same hurt little to know that the same gap that created the hurt was never closed. I built walls within to keep from getting hurt and to keep from letting too much of me out to anyone else when they got close. I could retreat behind the walls and feel safe and secure.

Self confidence is even temporary as it is based off of temporal things I have found to be shown to me. To find lasting and satisfying self confidence it has to come from the ultimate source of God the Father. Not to be moved when others accept or dont accept you for who you really are.

The only way to keep overcome is to keep renewing in truth as Pastor teaches us at church. I have to know deeply that I am accepted, loved and pursued by the King of Kings and let nothing and no one of this world move me from that position.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Abandonments discomfort

Abandonment is like living in two conflicting environments of the coldness of say Alaska in winter as to the warmth of Arizona in the summer.

But what does that all mean right?

Abandonment can make you feel cold as there is no one to comfort you, accept you, love you, be there for you, encourage you, support your endeavors and so on. I touched on this fact some yesterday on my facebook personal page to only be lashed out at.

Which revealed much to me people want you to support them and in turn they don’t support you as they will hide behind a screen and only deal with some people in private. To only show that in to my referance of fake supporters and when the rubber meets the road the truth is revealed, became so real. Abandonment can leave you feeling cold due to how we are received or not received by other people.

It can over time also become a warm comfort of living in much abandonment as it goes undealt with. We harbor the issue deep inside and it twists and distorts our thinking then that becomes the lenses we see life through. Which continues to spill out to every relation that comes into our life.

I saw a post that proclaimed that to whomever they posted publicly about “your hurt is not special” and granted no ones is to the extent as we all have something we have walked through and experianced. But those words alone could insight rejection, abandonment, comparison issues if the person it was intended to see it, saw it.

Words are powerful and we should garner them better with much more compassion than we do. I too have been guilty of it in my past, but that was because hurt people inturn hurt people as I have heard been taught to me.

The climate of warmth came from accepting the abandonment issue deeply within and believing that there could never be change. The coldness from the abandonment began to infect my heart to inturn grow cold also which just perpetuated the cycle of abandonment to keep happening.

Is my hurt special? NO!! I don’t make out anything that I post or share about to be above anyone elses experiances in life. These are just my reflections of things I have walked through and with the help of a great life Coach and beginning to walk away from.

Have I overcame this stuff or am I healed from it? No! In my case healing and overcoming will happen in layers and degrees. With that said I am in some things, but only as I keep doing the work and walking in the reality and truth of me and renew in the good to correct the inner mess thats been in me.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Palace of Protection!

Fortified in walls of saftey to prevent more hurt from anyone else…

Sounds like the beginnings of a fairytale almost right?

Rejection and abandonment issues began to construct walls. Walls of safety to keep others from getting too close. If you let no one in then they won’t know the real you on any level.

After a home life like I had with the lack of things in my early years. I unknowingly began to look for outside sources to give me what I wanted and desperatly lacked. But the true me was hidden behind walls right. Yes!

But what did peep out from behind the walls was neediness, desperation, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and so many more things that I could try to mask, paint a pretty picture of to show when people came around, but its as if they knew something deeply was wrong with me on the inside.

Because in friendship that came they would see these little monsters peeping behind my walls and they would be too much and they would eventually walk away from the friendship or I would end it to prevent more heart hurt. To only become the more problemsome as these things just added salt to an open wound.

These wounds from many years of hurt, pain, rejection, abandonment, conparison, acceptance issue kept building and building until I was walled off to myself. What happened right?

Well, it took a woman with the power and anointing to see me past my walls and help me break out of the prison within I had created. As she taught mr and is still teaching me that some walls are ok, but if they keep me from living, showing Gods love to others then thats when its a problem.

She came in with love and is helping me remove brick by brick the walls I built to stay safe and keep from being further rejected and abandoned. Little did I realize that rejection and abandonment walls only keep creating that cycle in my life.

The only way to end the cycle is know my truth and let my truth make me free to work on it and grow beyond it, heal and show compassion.

~Live Life ~ Love Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Visit:

wholebodywellness365.wordpress.com

A great blog about surrender by my Pastor Juanita 😍