Seasons Change

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1‬ ‭KJV‬‬

It’s hard to understand sometimes why seasons change, especially when we aren’t the one’s in charge of making the change.

Like last year about this time the global season of being outgoing, carefree, vivacious, and free came to a screeching halt during the time the pandemic of COVID-19 become more impacting to us all.

The season of the pandemic seemed to take us back to yester year when we connected genuinely with one another. A season in which family became more paramount. A season of loss in many ways, such as life, job, finances, and so much more. A time this has been, that I would say probably six months of 2020 really revealed what and who was important in this world. The shops we went to closed cause they were deemed “non-essential” the sporting events deemed “non-essential” what became essential where Parents to be home while their children home schooled from computers. Front line workers of Doctors, nurses, EMTs, truck drivers, teachers, and anyone working in essential business became what was vitally important in the season.

What’s begun to happen since that season came upon us?

The restrictions and limitations have been slowly shedding…

What’s been happening as a result of that?

We’ve not stayed so deeply connected with one another. We are allowing the times to go right back into ruling our schedule. When, I wholeheartedly believe that season of shutdown globally, if people had allowed God into it, they would see that He used that season to show us what was TRULY important. He to me revealed the level of Christian brotherly and sisterly love that could come forth during such isolating times. People genuinely checked on one another, people begun to see their deep need of true community, people could see that being an island to ourself is lonely.

When the world used it to say, ok the shops are open go spend your money. Go out and support local! Which, there is nothing wrong with doing that in a way that it doesn’t consume your entire life. Helping one another yes is a God command, but why soon as restrictions let up we are all ready to head to the shops and hang out on isle 7. Yet, we still refuse to gather in Houses of Prayer due to fear of the virus. How is the virus not on isle 7 and yet its on the third church pew, that is some thinking I will never understand.

Seasons Change and some we have control in making come about, when I changed jobs that was one season change I had a hand in. Yet still even before the verdict of being accepted at the new job, God presented a choice, remain or leave… the choice was mine as we have all been given free-will to choose. I chose to leave the old job, and since I have, my anxiety level has drastically decreased. My level of worries changed. My thought shifted to new things.

Don’t get me wrong sometimes season change and bring wonderful things like new love, a wedding, a child, a promotion, a raise. Seasons changing is part of life whether we have a say or not… it will forever be what we make of the season while we are in it. That lesson alone has taken me a while to grasp in my mindset. I’m slowly getting there!

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! May it encourage you & give you hope!

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💝Cynthia💝

Everyday Is a Winding Road

“Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.” Isaiah‬ ‭43:19‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

2020 has been the most challenging year!

I know that is a huge statement right?! But, truly how many can relate to that one statement. I know for me this year, God had been stripping away from me the doubt that life has instilled in me and to put my full faith and trust in Him!

Boy oh boy has that been difficult! When 2020 decided to throw its many curve balls our way, one thing I feared the most was not working. Job after job after job was being shut down for being non-essential, a hot spot for the virus to spread, or because of the non-essential factor the company had to fold. Being that I work in tele-communication we were deemed vital. The next thing was having to close up cause someone got the virus. Who was that someone…. me!

Now, I am not saying God put Corona Virus on me, however; He can and will use things in our life for our good (Romans 8:28). I allowed my time in isolation to take me down roadways in my soul that I need healing in. Healing from traumatic upbringings, healing from emotionally unavailable parents, healing from not being validated as a child. All these voids need healing by the tender agape love of the father, as it is only Him that can fulfill me in every way.

Isolation also ushered me into a place of faith and trust in Him that I hadn’t ever tapped into. I was out of work for 22 days, which meant no income coming in. I had to pull on faith snd I put it out in the world that if anyone felt lead to help me and some did help me and I was able to pay rent and people brought food so I didn’t have to cook, God showed up and showed out in His love for me through surrendered people toward His heart.

No matter where the paths of life may take us, may they for ever lead us to the father and his unconditional love to heal every soul wound of the past. To lead us toward brighter smoother pathways ahead.

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Cynthia

Life During Corona Virus

Covid-19 – Year 2020 – Photo Collection

My blogs have become a way to chronicle my navigating life during this corona virus global pandemic and how it has impacted me and my state of living.

Many are the days when Saturdays come when I am in my room, enjoying a cup of coffee before I begin my day. Mentally navigating the day, what needs to be done inside my place, what needs to be done outside my place, and what new restrictions are in place. The governor of my state which is North Carolina since my blogs reach globally, has decided to keep our state at Phase 2 of the reopening while mandating face-masks in all public forums, maintaining social distancing and making sure we sanitize and clean our hands to prevent the spread and spike in the number of cases.

Sadly, this mandate sucks! But, it is needful to get the numbers down of the active cases of covid and to keep the state somewhat running. So many are still out of jobs due to many restrictions still being implemented. Also, many are rebelling against many of the mandates from the governor, the most controversial is the wearing of face-masks. Many out right proclaim and display their rebellion by not following it in word and deed. If people would obey, then maybe things would get accomplished more timely.

In recent weeks, a group of Doctors made a video before the Supreme Court and it was posted online and it went viral. Perhaps many reading this got to see the video before it got taken down from all social media platforms. This alone was a red flag for me. I’m not sure how others took it, but its as if the powers that be are procuring the hiding of the truth for selfish gain. These doctors stood publically and stated their findings on the use of three existing medications to combat and perhaps one day exterminate this Covid-19. The powers that be are pushing for a new vaccine that if they patent would make millions if not billions off the lives of the sick they took an oath to help heal. If I state the three meds this blog is sure to be taken down. So i will only mention two as they are a mineral Zinc and a Z-pack the other more controversial med I will leave out but abbreviate as HCQN.

In more recent events of the day last week was a monumental one! It began with goin through the already existing stuff in the world, but to add to it a hurricane for the eastern part of NC on which I reside. To the western part of the state being impacted by a 5.1 Level Earthquake, the first in many many years of that magnitude.

With all this going on, I will sink and wonder where are the good moments? 2020 has been a year that took my vehicle away in a way. Going and doing things has been cut off. And with this weeks events alone I could settle into a depression beyond anyones wildest imaginations if I allow myself to.

Constantly working to stay head above water is a constant renewing. Plugging the word of God into my mind over and over. Today my favorite verses of life kept coming to me. They are Psalm 91:1-4 which you will see below:

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭91:1-4 KJV

After pulling from these verses I was reminded of the good. Like going recently to one of the Sunday School Kids I work withs 2nd birthday. I gave him his first kiddie bible and it had a handle and colorful pictures in it. He toted it around Sunday showing off the pictures inside. That was a joy to my soul to see the 2 yr old embrace the word so innocently. Not to mention how popping his party was with the food and all. His aunt put a hurting on that cake and Cousin put a hurting down on that chip dip that we partook of during the festivities.

After the party I stopped at the Wal-Mart and browsed around. I stumbled across the $5 movie bin. I rarely find anything in those things that even appeal to be viewed. But, this time I stumbled upon two great finds. I love watching war movies, movies based on actual events, faith-based movies and the occasional Romantic-Comedy. I was able to enjoy a few nights watching movies and relaxing. Something of which I rarely do, but I gave in and allowed the down time.

Reorganizing my life and prioritizing things and doing the actual planning and doing of things opened up my life to be able to take time to enjoy those movies. In doing this restructuring to my life, I went to one of my favorite store to see what they had I could use to get organized with.

Needless to say I left with a new notebook, a new bible to use specifically for my youth teaching material, and a book to read. The notebook has been so helpful in maintaining my kingdom work in an area where I admin and on my own personal page that I post these blogs too. Did I need another book to add to my shelf? No! But guess what, it spoke to me! So, I got it and will have it in my spare time to read.

One day in my silliness I was scrolling through my social media platforms and ran across the most hilarious post I’d seen that really struck my funny bone. This happened to be on a bad day that I needed a good laugh to break up the monotony of life. I ended up sharing the image to a group that I am in asking a friend of mine if we could do this at their house. It went over with a barrel of laughs that who knows we all may have needed that day. I will share the image below so it can bring some laughter to your world as it did mine!

Thank you all so much for taking time to read my blog! Taking time to view my photo collections I share in my writings! May we all be safe from this corona virus and keep living life as best we can.

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~Cynthia

Anchor In Hope

Building Yourself Up!

“But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.”
‭‭Jude‬ ‭1:20-21‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

There are days we experience in this lifetime that the sun won’t seem as bright. There are days that the clouds will seem too numerous. The scent of rain in the air too much for the emotions to handle holding together.

The dark nights of the soul are phases of growing from the old and toward the new. Think about it a baby is kept in the dark of a mother’s womb protected and safe until it is time for the baby to come into the light.

Our Savior was place in the darkness of a tomb after he was crucified. There he remained for three days, he plunged into the futher dark depths of hell to take back the keys to hell and the grave once and for all. On the third day he emerged into the light.

Dark days will happen!

But, the key is to learn to settle there and remain. The darkness of a cocoon for a caterpillar is only for a time, Jonah spent time in the belly of a whale for a dark night of the soul before the whale spit him out on the shore and He then made the journey to Ninevah.

Before purpose comes a preparation time comes. Even Jesus after he was baptized had a growing experience in the wilderness. He was tempted, tested and tried buy the enemy of our soul for 40 days. After the darkness he emerged empowered and the more ready to fulfill His God destined purpose. Daniel was in the Lions den a dark time for Him. Joseph spent time in the pit.

What did all these I speak of do when the were in their dark night of the soul. They prayed, sung songs of worship, they built themself up in the most holy faith.

The most holy faith saw them through and it helped launch them into their greatest purposes that we read about in the Word of God.

🌺Today Choose Joy🌺

Choose to build yourself up in the most holy faith! Choose to lean on the one whom is everlasting. Choose to seek Him and grow in your relationship!

These dark and trying days we need something and someone steadfast that we can cling too. He will not fail us lest we only hold on tight!

Stay encouraged we all are fighting different battles, but with God on our side we have an assurance!

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

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🌺Cynthia🌺

Life Update During A Pandemic ~ Photo Collection

2020 Has become a year for the history books!

So, since I left off blogging last at the end of May, the state in which I reside took us from Lock down to Phase 1 and then to Phase 2.

The cases statewide have continued to grow during Phase 2 and when the state evaluated us entering Phase 3, they said No! The governor declared we are to remain at Phase 2 for three more weeks which will expire at 5pm on July 17. With this came a new mandate, for all public safety we are to now wear masks in public, in retail settings and any position when dealing with the public.

Needless to say… I was not and am not thrilled about the new mandate. But, I have chosen to abide by the ruling for my safety and for those of whom I encounter on a day-to-day basis. The weekend of the ruling local sheriff’s offices were putting out statement about how they won’t be enforcing the ruling on individual basis’, but when businesses don’t follow the mandate they could step in and thus fine the establishment.

Several businesses have been sited for not following the mandate, and I just read one today the law shut a business down that was suppose to be closed during this phase and now they were forcibly shut down. The governor stated he went this route while in Phase 2 so we wouldn’t have to go back to Phase 1 like other states who have seen even more drastic spikes in covid cases.

The employer I work for mandated under the governors ruling that we are to wear masks with working with the public. That has not been enjoyable at all! It will keep me safe. Its so strange how masks have become not only for safety, but a fashion accessory. I have had to adjust my makeup routine to accommodate wearing masks off and on all day. This whole year has been one adjustment after another.

One thing this pandemic has done was restore my working with children. For a time, I wasn’t working with children as I had once in the past. Two were gone, another was part time and my consistent one of whom remained was needed in a new capacity at home for a while. One Sunday I came in and all four of my lil joys were back. That restored a light within my soul of my kingdom purpose with working with the children. I missed them so much and God restored them as my Pastor had told me He would right after the shift happened.

In my own spiritual journey in the last month, God has been working hard on humbling me. Getting me out of a state of Pride and knowing I need Him with every breathe, every step, every decision cause doing it on my own is my own self-will. To surrender my will to Gods will it takes a humbling of a person and in June God broke a level off of me that was strongly needed.

The new places God wants to take me in him required some death to the old things my soul (mind, will, and emotions) had clung to for all my life. Everything God has for me is within my spirit as that is where I invited His spirit to reside within me and overtime that newness will shine forth through my vessel (body) in my character, morals, and integrity.

In the days ahead I am longing that this Pandemic lets up! So we can have a sense of normalcy return. My prayer is that everyone stay safe as possible and take care of your mental health during all this! I have battled depression off and on during this crisis. The people of whom love and support me check on me and pray me through. Find your soul tribe like I have, they will be with you through dark and light, good and bad, broke and prosperous. Real people are true and genuine beyond things that can and will often change.

Thank you for taking time to catchup with me by reading my blog or stopping in to see the photos. 🌺

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🌺Cynthia🌺

Good Bye April! Hello May!

Out with the old & in with the new!

Since my last time blogging about how this pandemic has touch my life so many things have changed in the world around me.

One Saturday afternoon after the governors orders had gone into effect, I ventured to go to the local Wal-Mart. That is a big store that had everything from clothing, food, medicines, vehicle maintenance to my readers not from America. So, I go to this Wal-Mart, mind you I am all gloved up, masked up, and having to walk around a barricade of sorts as the governor order stated stores had to have a flow so this creating one way in and one way out. But, to my surprise as I approached the door I had to wait to be allowed in. Never in all my years did I ever have to wait to go in Wal-Mart. Three people came out and three people were allowed in. They now have to keep up with the number of people inside the building to maintain safe social distancing.

I left the Wal-Mart to come home with my finds of essentials. So inwardly distraught by the way things are going that after I had settled in for the evening, I downloaded netflix free for 30days. I am not much of a tv watcher. But, with limitations on where I can go, what to do, I ventures down the rabbit hole of television programming. I work for a cable company and I get my fill of television woes from people that it is a turn off to watch tv, at least for me. I did find some interesting programming to fill my time in April. Binge watching full seasons was something I hadn’t partaken of til forced to stay home in a respect.

These are the tv shows and movies I filled my time with:

•Tiger King- An insane documentary on owners of big cats in America, murder,drugs, crazy ppl, and lions and tigers oh my indeed.

• Fuller House- A family oriented show of coming together after a tragedy and growing in a new way when faced with new living. I grew up on Full House this became a modern versin of same show.

•The Tudors – Henry VIII and his many wives and conquests to have a male heir.

•Frontier- A colonial based America during the time of fur traders in the North were battling it out for supremacy over one another.

•Self-Made the Madam CJ Walker Documentary- the fight and plight of African Americans in america to be seen as equals. To venture into her own business of hair grower and developing to a point of having her own factory. VERY INSPIRING STORY

• Queen Elizabeth movies (2) – The struggles of a female queen and the forcing of male dominance in a time that she showed the world that a woman can run her country just as well as any man.

• The Duchess – A movie of how women had no choice in their lives. The young lady from the Spencer family arranged to marry a DUKE In order to produce his heir to his title. He had a live in mistress to make him happy, but the Duchess was forbidden side love to make her happy. Even when she ran off to have it. She got pregnant by her lover. The Duke threatened to take her kids away. Hid her while pregnant and made her give the child to her lovers family.

While the movies or tv shows played I was sowing 4 masks, two for myself, two for a friend, and then I sowed two pillows to fill my time. My new pillows adorn my bed, my face masks are used when going out to stores and my friend has been using hers as she ventures out as well.

Along the bridge

One day I got so bored with sowing and watching programs I had to get out. Yes I know scary, but I ventured to the Common and parked and took a secluded walk on the bridge. It was a mini escape from the city, corona-world, and a mental break from work and home. It was a brief adventure, but one I needed for some self-care.

Actual Town Common Area

I wanted to go back to the other spot for a walk, but so many had discovered it, that I was just too packed out for me to regain a since of peace and solace inwardly with all those people around. Not long ago, maybe even last weekend, not fully sure as days run together, but with the impending lift on some of the orders coming soon folks were out there having a cook out.

I drove by and was like really people. Its bad enough that Phase One reopening will last until the 22nd of the month of May. But the Governor has already said any drastic spike in corona cases we will stay at Phase One or fall back to shelter at home. This virus isn’t gone or dealt with in full and yet still people act as though this isn’t serious. People are dyeing, this is effecting homes, livelihoods and more.

Stopped to waterfront to regroup after a long day

Work has been so stressful, I am in telecommunication and we are essential. The business of providing cable or internet is taxing on the mind and more so when the owner has been prescribed seclusion for their health and safety. Channels cut out people freak out, the Monday before last we had a bad storm roll through with NorEasterly winds and rain, almost tornadic in nature that knocked our power out. Not good. Folks lost the four channels we run out of our office and the towns net was down. People were furious with us. But what caused it was beyond our control.

It was our fault that they lost programming, it was our fault thee internet was down. It was our fault that the power went out too I guess. This pandemic has taken folks to the edge. Im at work alone, power out and surging, its up to me to forcefully unplug technology or the many power surges would kill the computers and phones. Im finalky standing in the hallway where light from outside is coming in to watch customer after customer after customer fly down to the front of our building cause mind you our phones are web based and with power down they wont work.

A heart in the sky

To come fling open the door to be all accusatory of us cutting them off before they even realized, they were standing in a dark room with not one ounce of technology on. This happened countless times in that two hours the storm knocked our power out. It finally came back then I had to reset the office, get the four channels back up and get net restored, along with one of our program provisioners. That was not a fun Monday.

Now as Friday, May 8th at 5pm approaches and the Phase One Reopening begins no telling what stories may spawn from the next two weeks of that. All I know is I want a beach trip as an escape, even if its just for one day, I will take it!

Thank you to all who read and support my blog it means the world to me! I pray everyone is staying safe, healthy and happy as can be during these times!

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🌺Cynthia🌺

Storms of Life

What happens when my anchor gets pulled up!

This past Sunday, I will admit my anchor was uprooted and moved due to what my emotions have taken on as a violent storm in my world.

In my usual preparation for the day it went normal, until the moment I got in my vehicle and went up out of my parking spot and to the stop sign to enter the main road. It was at that moment my vehicle decided it wasn’t going to shift and continue going forward.

There I was a woman, terrified, vulnerable, sitting half in traffic, being honked at as if I didn’t know I was in the way. I wanted to fully break down in that moment.

I sat there going from drive to reverse many times and not moving an inch. Waving cars around me to go on while my hazards flashed feeling very helpless. I took out my phone and texted the only person that I could that one would look for me on Sunday and two the only one that has ever moved to help me in the past.

She asked some questions to get her husband on the scene as he is an amazing mechanic. Eventually as I still sat there a car came up in my conversing with my potential help. To push me out of the road of oncoming traffic while I continued to attempt to get help.

As I sat there the lady I reached out to told me her husband prepared to come and assist me in any way he could, and if he was unsuccessful he could bring me to church. The guy who pushed me out the road stopped and asked where I lived and I told him just behind where I was sitting.

He went to get a helper and they both came and pushed my vehicle to a point where it could roll down the hill and get me close to my home. Needless to say this moment became funny to them. I will explain why…

So, my vehicle in neutral being pushed back a ways so it can roll down hill, then it was all up to me driving backwards to get it close to my home. So my vehicle is a large SUV and me being a woman I guess they assumed I may not handle driving backwards very well. I got drove that rig backwards down hill. Turned without hesitation to the right into the area of parking then a left to get me close to a parking slot.

The guys came to see where I ended up and they were laughing so hard. They said ma’am, where did you learn how to drive like that, we was shocked you could whip that rig like you did! I must say some of that is probably coming from my country living upbringing and my love for like go-carts and things. They got a good laugh and I got my truck home and in a parking slot.

Then from there I went to church and was wonderfully brought back home by the lady’s husband to only begin to find help, a mechanic, someone who knows anything about vehicles. At every turn I was told no I cannot come to you, no I cannot help you, one even told me worse case scenario and two ran with the notion.

Needless to say I crawled in bed feeling very very helpless and allowed depression to begin to come and wrap its arms tightly around me. The lady kindly reached out and asked if she could take me to the store. I didn’t have brain space to handle getting a few odds and ends, let alone continue to be turned down in the help department. Time passed and I remained thinking and thinking and then emotions engage cause they want to support every thought. Depression, anxiety, a way out are all things that came about in this one day.

Monday came, boy did it ever! I wanted to just wallow in my emotions and just sink into the dark abyss my soul (mind, will, and emotions) were creating for me to live in. The lady reached out again to take me to the store, I honestly wanted to sulk and sink deeper, but she was being used to extend a had to snatch me back out of that dark abyss.

Even since Monday I have not been fully myself. My mind is far over crowded with what steps I need to take, calls I need to make, funds I need to have that I just don’t at this moment, until it all can be figured out and evaluated.

Now my luck is dealing with todays snow fall, that delays every move I need to make. I am so anxious and depressed that my meds are only minimally helping. The battle of the soul is a hard one. With the content I am beginning to put together to publish, I can only gather this is my testing to see if I will live out what I put out into the world.

It is so beyond hard to not be swayed and moved emotionally to the point I can firmly say no, I have firm faith in this area and stand in the word. If I was better able to do that my anchor wouldn’t have been pulled up and moved. But it has now, so the only thing I can do now is work my way back to some level of inward stability.

Thank you all for reading my content! Please feel free to leave a comment 💞

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Cynthia Gunn 💝

Personal Acceptance

Discovering How Fearfully & Wonderfully Made I Am!

The subtitle of this blog is one that is near and dear to me, as it is the subtitle to my book Beauty from Ashes that is available on amazon.com. See link below the image to shop!

I am a woman that has battled personal acceptance, low self-esteem, low self-worth, lack of self-care, and having an over all bad view of myself. It was a pivotal turning point in March 2016 when on a trip it was brought to my attention just how negative I spoke about myself. I, in myself had no self awareness of the fact that I was so deeply negative I was inwardly.

Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flows the springd of life.”

Proverbs 4:23 AMP

Every word from my lips dripped with disdain of life, existence, purpose and destiny. It revealed a bitterness of heart due to roots of lack of self-acceptance and self-love! I was asked at that time, why was I like I was. My answer outright was “what does it really matter” in a sarcastic tone. That no matter what I did or do it never made any difference.

It was then that grace and patience with understanding and compassion were extended to me to help begin to uproot bad things and cultivate a new way of being. This work has been ongoing and will continue as it is needful in becoming a better woman for life!

Your thoughts create your reality!

~Juanita Gibbs

40 Day Detox of Negative Thinking

Amazon

She began working with me in the key fundamentals of personal care, life care, home care, developing a healthier interior, then working on my self esteem and self love. Others in the past that may have tried to assist me didn’t extent long periods of grace to help me grow and develop the way my counselor has in these last three years.

It has taken this long to grow even a lil sprout of self-acceptance. I have made progress in being more positive and speaking with hope. Being I would pick apart everything about me from my looks, my weight, my hair color, and more. It was when I realized that I am running down Gods creation that I have had to work through that.

I have been walking through a phase of discovering who I am, learning how I am made and slowly embracing the facts and truths about me, then learning what I need to do to work on becoming a better woman. Its not been easy for me and it wont be easy to continue to change and grow.

Growth is pain!

Development is a journey!

But, what I can say is that no matter how offended I may get at the truth, I need it. No matter how sensitive I am emotionally, I need tough love. Yes the wounds are there! Yes the strongholds are there! But, they are within my power to take them down within myself and get the healing I need deeper.

My encouragement to you is this: If me as stubborn as I am and can be can change, heal, and get delivered, then take this as a sign that you can too. It takes steps, falling down, getting back up, taking steps again and often falling and getting back up in a cycle to keep working to bring about change to your life as I am working to in mine.

Thank you for reading if you reaching this point leave me a comment below! 💝

Cynthia 💞

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Before I Became Content

In being single…

I have been very discontented in my life about the fact I was single. To be perfectly honest when I saw people posting of their relationships online I was secretly bitter inside with the fact they had someone and I didn’t. I harbored those bitter, resentful, and angry feelings for years and years.

But why did I have those feelings?
Cause secretly within me I was doing several things:
1) Comparing myself to the other woman
2) Judging why did they deserved that happiness.
3) Adding to wounds of low-self esteem and feeding my own insecurities.
This was especially the case if the guy I liked entered into a relationship with someone else that was not me. Actually, it was 10x worse in some cases…depends on how much I opened my heart up to the situation and allowed myself to think things that had no validity whatsoever.
I would in my mind entertain things:
  • He is talking to me, he must like me
  • He spends time with me, he must like me
  • He complimented me, he thinks I’m beautiful, he must like me
All those things are very juvenile and should be what a teenager deals with in crushes and things. Which revealed a place within me that needed maturing. When those things came into my life from the opposite sex, I was easily moved! If I am not careful, it can still a happen easily.
I have a core issue within me that was exposed that needs healing. That core issue was seeing myself as worthy and valuable enough to be in that position. This core issue has been getting worked on through counseling sessions, in-depth teaching from my Pastoral leadership in target areas that are vital to the health of my inner being in this area of life.
If I don’t mature and get healing then I will be keeping myself in a perpetual cycle of hurt. It was told to me once because of the tender state of my heart when I do love cause it can be deep, that I need to guard my heart better.

Through much hurt down the years I had to learn to guard and each time it happened I had to find the lesson, find the weak place, then work on strengthening those weaknesses. I am still working on these, I can honestly say that I can see I have grown in some level.
Here’s how I know growth has come. I had a “situation-ship” that spanned about 9 months, me and the guy talked every day, like three times a day. I was so stupidly excited thinking this may be the one, which it wasn’t, he was talking to other women all along and was never serious.
This whole thing sent me into a hard downward spiral to the point I was ready to kill myself in doing an overdose. I felt like I had given so much that it was tossed like tattered clothes when it happened. I eventually got over it and moved on in life.
To my latest now this one shew was a doozy, but it revealed some growth. A guy who frequented by my job for bout a month we talked, flirted, texted, this one was hot and heavy on the flirt scale. It eventually revealed itself that this one was married.
I was totally mixed emotions about the whole thing, but never once did I entertain end my life. I removed all contact with the guy as to not continue to have him emotionally cheating on his wife. I had to seek repentance for this as to make sure I don’t reap what I sow.

In the first situation I reveal, I had made everything of who I was based off of my acceptance from that man. It was a codependency that I had created that caused me to want to end it when it didn’t work out. In between situation one and two though, my counselor had told me that a man is an accessory.

Accessories add value, but don’t make the person. I make me no matter if I have a man or not and that has been something I needed to hear, but to also accept deeply. Which has been a catalyst to help me grow on a level from being immature and moved to mature and unmoved when a man comes or goes in my life.

Now to not be distracted I have laid aside the deep need and extreme want of having a relationship to press in closer to God genuinely and fulfill those things He wants me to do in the earth to leave an impact for His glory. Its a daily struggle, but it is one I am committed to lay aside until the right Man of God comes along into my life.

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭KJV‬‬

My book is available on Amazon

Thank you for reading! Leave a comment if this helped you in anyway! I love to hear your feed back 💞

Cynthia 🥰

I am an Author!

My first publication is finally complete!

I have amazon links on the side of my page and I will put one here:

Amazon

Now that this is complete I can begin to work on my second publication and get back to blogging again.

Thank you all to any who purchase my book!

Cynthia 💝