High Functioning Anxiety

I vlogged this week on my youtube channel

https://youtu.be/84F3QD2pU6I • Monday Moments – Let’s Talk High Functioning Anxiety In Recovery

https://youtu.be/lusDQJ91i0I • Friday Moments – Let’s Talk High Functioning Anxiety Pt 2

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The Call No One Wants To Get!

“We have your results!? Your test came back you are POSITIVE for COVID.”

Immediately, my heart sank and then flight mode of hurry up time is running out kicked in. On 10/10/2020 at 3:30pm my life went from being lived to you got only a few short hours left before lock down.

I called my employer, coworkers, anyone I had come in contact with to inform them of my horrific news, so they could watch themself and get tested as well if need be. Luckily, I am not a spreader, everyone tested negative, but me. A front line worker in the height of a global pandemic who has no health insurance, no means of income while in isolation. Thus propelling me into the trusting arms of the Father God to take care of me in health and to help provide for me while I am out of work going into the second week now.

My tribe has surrounded me, brought me food, financial support, and moral and comforting support. So many have genuinely checked on me that warms my heart to know that such love does exists in the world. When on the counter spectrum as well i have been privy to messages from distant familial relations reflecting a demeanor of humor at my healths expense during these times. Another instant of not so distant familial relation refusing to support my aging father who resides in my home to remove him for his own safety and calling me childish and my own doing for supposedly catching this that which they deem nonexistent. A battle such as this reveals the true nature of people that you have in your life. Take note of how they do while your in crisis. Cause in the opposite they will expect a great return from you in their own time of need. My family is my tribe of God given people that come from various backgrounds of life that have shown time and time again their genuine love, care and support of me in many things not just in good or bad but in level times as well.

My Father of whom is aging and has severe medical illnesses of which could make this virus deadly if it enters His body, from which I am doing all I can to isolate from him, stay away from common areas and keeping surfaces clean. Even as sick as I have been he still relies on me to make sure he has food and meds and is tended too.

Thankfully, my tribe jumped in and had pizza delivered. Brought bags of sandwiches, soups, pancakes and two other dishes so I wouldn’t get exhausted cooking. Those dishes helped so much on the really bad days of this virus having its hay-day within my body.

One Story COVID Night of Terror:

It was at about 11:15pm during my fourth night of isolation, I had been asleep since some time in the afternoon when my fever had spiked to 100.2 and I took meds and laid down. It was at this time my fur-baby Sweet Pea stood beside my bed barked in my ear and it startled me awake. I was so into sleeping it didn’t phase me too much, til next thing I knew she jumped on the bed laid beside me and rolled her head back onto my chest. That pressure on my chest woke me up again then I heard my cell phone messenger beep. So, reluctantly I gathered myself to sit up. I checked my phone it was my lead tribe person saying they was checking on me and that I had come up heavy for them. Not two min later another beep came in my other tribe was checking on me. Something was definitely wrong with me, with all this activity. One pleaded with me to check my temperature. I did and my fever was right back up and climbing 100.5 this time. I struggled to move from the bed to medicine table where I checked my temperature and then take more meds before slipping back into slumber. Had it not been for the spirit alerting people and my Sweet Pea to get me up and take meds how much damage could have been done to me if I hadn’t been lured from that deceptive slumber of fever in covid state.

My symptoms began as massive body pain to the point of it being virtually debilitating, cough, sinus pressure, fever, headache, runny nose. Were the first symptoms that drove me to get tested in the first place. It took two days to get the results. Later my symptoms in isolation became frequent fever spikes, delirium, sensory system overload of pulsating and flashing that drove me to medicate and sleep. After about 6 days in isolation my sense of smell left me, taste is diminished, I can only taste salty or sweet. I have been sleeping more than not, and I have been workin on hydration and immunity rebuild.

It was Friday, October 16th I ventured to get retested as my severe symptoms had let up and I had been in isolation for the time required. I got my call for my results that I still am testing COVID POSITIVE. This virus is one for the record books. To still be testing positive for it. That marked my third ever COVID test. And now, I have to isolate still and then get retested again before I can even think about going back to work on the front lines during a global pandemic. I have suffered through isolation the first round, I am not sure how I am gonna do for another week, I need people and being that I cannot assimilate with people it is depressing.

I am fighting and battling COVID in my body and I will win! Cause my tribe is praying for me, helping me to keep mentally astute and checking on my well-being. Feeling such true love of Agape from people is often times what a wounded soul needs to heal.

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🌻Cynthia🌻

Life During A Pandemic

Some Days Are GoodOther Days Hell on Earth

These last few months have been the most unusual and yet a resetting of daily living by every person around the world.

How many can say they haven’t been conditioned in the last few months to wash their hands more or use hand sanitizer more frequently. We now are conditioned to stay 6ft away from one another, limiting/no physical contact, taking extra precautionary measures when around elderly or immune-compromised individuals.

I know I have been, every time I touch something in a store I hand sanitize, cause you just don’t know who or what came in contact with it before you touched it. Masks in public and around the immune-compromised is a natural occurrence.

In the state in the USA in which I reside they have entered Phase 2 of reopening, whereas we spent 2 weeks in Phase 1 and saw an increase in COVID-19 cases drastically. They suggest that its coming from the ability to test more people and yet some how the cases keep rising as reopening happens and more and more are traveling, taking less precautious measures and not social distancing. Its as if it is becoming a thing of the past.

The repercussions of the shut down to the state will take a while to recover from. Many retail businesses have announced they are going out of business. Many are waiting for unemployment benefits and the first round of stimulus payment, all the while the gov’t is trying to make a decision to help the population out while recovery from the shut down is in the baby stage for some, for other business, they still waiting for the OK from the governor.

People are loosing loved ones left and right from this virus and others are loosing loved ones from the side effects I will call it of COVID-19. Suicide, depression, mental breakdowns have become the more prominent in last month or so just as the virus.

Kids cannot have a formal graduation, proms, social gatherings for birthdays, its all been taken from them and that is hard for kids. Its just as hard on adults when you have job stress, lack of friendship connection, cut off from once daily or routine things.

Every body handles and deals with stress differently, I myself, I wish I handled it better than I do. My stress levels peak out so much that I have resorted back to alcohol and cigarettes as a means to cope.

Was this a good thing to do? Of course not! Many times I wish I had a close friend that I could talk to and share things with cause life can be so hard. I am taking care of an aging parent who doesn’t always understand why he cannot go out during all this. At work the load has about doubled as my boss has been in self quarantine about 2 months now. She had me run her errands or get thing she needs from store, help her with technology difficulties and more.

I also have two fur-kids who stick to me like glue, I love my fur-babies they both get on the bed to be near me when I have bad days. They truly are great companions and emotional supports during these dark says of corona virus.

Many times I would love to just sail away from it all. But, right now its all the more impossible to do any such thing.

Thank you all for taking time to read my blog!

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🌺Cynthia🌺

Mid-April Life Update

Living during the time of a global Pandemic (COVID-19)

I’m not even gonna lie, this whole quarantine/shutdown has been hard on me. Truthfully, it revealed to me just how much of an extrovert I am now. I am very much an ambivert, but I lean more extrovert in nature. I do have times of goin and being alone to recollect myself, but those times are fewer then the desire to be with people.

This quarantine has taken me to a place within my emotional realm that I couldn’t take much more of the pressure and erupted like a volcano, spewing out toxic lava from my innermost being out onto those closest to me. Like the aftermath of any natural disaster, my own aftermath left things in not good places for days and it will continue on in the weeks and months ahead to recover.

By Easter Sunday I was completely tapped of everything and decided to go for a walk to a nearby place I haven’t ventured to yet. So, I waited some to allow the traffic there to slow down some before I set out to clear my head, connect in nature and just “be”.

I needed that the most to just “be”.

Being Super Woman has its limitations when your acting within your own strength and by this time I was severely depleted. It was so peaceful and calm the serenity of where I went to walk that I do ever so long to go again.

Nature Walk

I basked in the solitude of the quietness of nature. I wasn’t being demanded of to solve a problem. I was allowed to feel small in a big world, with a huge problem, and the desperate need of a savior. This walk I will call my repentance walk for everything I had attributed to in the week prior to not being very Christ-like at all.

Stop and Smell the Roses

I journeyed out from the Park where I took my walk, of which I will share more photos from at the end of this blog, to visit some stores for essentials. To my grand dismay many were closed up so tight that not even a fly could penetrate their barriers. This didn’t set well with me once more. This whole mess has brought out the spoiled child within me dealing with only first world problems.

When if I took a reality check my issues are minor compares to others. Many are battling this horrendous COVID-19 aka Corona Virus to the point of loss of life on epic scales. Many have lost jobs and income flows due to Gov’t/State regulations to lessen the curve peak of this virus to not destroy the fragile health care system in which would be needed to treat massive amounts of this virus. This virus and everything happening is a history in the making.

Many states are now extending the orders to stay at home and many essential businesses have had to come up to Governor mandated codes for protecting the public and essential workers. As of 5pm on Monday, the state in which I reside had new rules that came into implementation. We have had to limit the number of patrons inside the building, we have had to provide a hand sanitization of some kind. Prepare barriers between customers and checkout attendants.

So Friday of the week prior to the codes going into effect. I had to bring the establishment where I work up to code as being in tele-communications that is deemed an essential business. I had my own science project to make home made Clorox wipes to provide some kind of hand sanitation to customers as hand sanitizer in itself is sold out. The governors order stated the need to establish a time for senior customers, create a flow of one way into and out of stores and even within create flows for isles of grocery goods and shut down/limit use of any public restrooms. I rigged up a clear shower curtain to act as a barrier and after customers environmental cleaning has to be done to slow down the spread of this virus.

My office space

By the time Monday came I was so far over it all that waking up to find tornado warnings and hearing news of tornado strikes it just made the whole of the day so dark. Mind you I was still recovering from the dark night of the soul I just walked through to walk out into more darkness. It has all been too much for my soul to entertain.

Monday Tornado Warnings

Tuesday came and it seemed better it was bright and sunshine of the day cheered my dark soul up some. At one point I was able to just go sit by the water and pray for a moment and seek some stillness for my innermost being that has been so loud that I needed an escape.

Seated by the Water

By Wednesday, recovery was probably at the half way mark and yet still a need to know how to fix my innermost being from potentially not having to go through this again as the pandemic remains. My eyes had to be enlightened to somethings about myself that I must learn from, and grow up out of, as well as, begin to tame.

Train in town

I am set to charge down the things within me that need to be shifted and changed during these hard and stressful times. As I am taught, fruit only comes during the hardest of trials. For me this whole situation the last few months have been the hardest yet, and to be honest we none know when the end will be insight. The best I can do is learn and grow and make the most of this time. I have made some masks from scarfs (3 finished one incomplete) and have completed one pillow and another pillow to be made. While I wasn’t in a good place I stopped the work on my second book until I recover. I am not sure what else I may take up to fill my time.

My greatest hope is that all this will be over soon and we can return to some sense of normalcy.

Pillow Project
Taking a no sew mask and sewing it for efficiency
Fresh press-on nails since salons are closed
Taking during tornado warning!
Reminder of Gods love!
Nature trail discoveries!

“We will sing for joy over your victory, And in the name of our God we will set up our banners. May the LORD fulfill all your petitions.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭20:5‬ ‭NASB‬‬

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Much Hope,

Cynthia

Happy Friday

Be of Good Cheer

These are times where great faith is needful!

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
‭‭John‬ ‭16:33‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I sit here in the silence, asking God what is the message for me and the blog I write once a week? No sooner I asked, and got silent within, I heard “be of good cheer!”

The great Abba Father that He is sent a message into my spirit one of comfort to reinforce peace in my life. The event of this week have been a major pull on my logic and emotions! I even confessed to my spiritual leader in the faith that I felt myself slipping into a depressive state. She encouraged me with words of comfort and wisdom as she always does.

“When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:19‬ ‭NASB‬‬

I got home and had to force my way into worship, I forced my way into looking at the word to renew as I was only in the early state of emotional slipping before emotions fully intoxicated me and I was very unrenewed.

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Even as of yesterday, I had to plant myself before the word and remain in it, I got home to cook dinner for my father and freely worshipped, prayed in my heavenly language and then began to feel peace as small as a pebble.

The message I received of “be of good cheer” was a timely one. God knows that in these uncertain times it is faith that will pull us through. Faith isnt a ticket out of tribulation, faith is a hope through dire times. As things continually are getting shut down, enforcement to remain home becomes more essential, that our health and lively hoods are being greatly effected.

As of today more nonessential places are forced to close at 5pm for two weeks. People that have non essential jobs are out of work. Others that have employment that are essential are still allowed to work at this time as more and more cases of confirmed COVID-19 are coming out. Many are now instituting curfews to help condense the probability of spreading this virus! May Hod be with us all during this!

This is the virus heard round the world at this point! By faith we will make it!

By faith anchor in truth of the Word of God!

“For men swear by one greater than themselves, and with them an oath given as confirmation is an end of every dispute. In the same way God, desiring even more to show to the heirs of the promise the unchangeableness of His purpose, interposed with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us. This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil,”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭6:16-19‬ ‭NASB‬‬

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Embracing Singleness

Relationship Status in a world that makes it idolized to be of a certain status!

In a world where status is everything so it seems, the world promotes that if your not married then your practically nothing.

To say the least many of us have cosigned with that mindset. But, is it true what they claim?

NO!

I can attest that being single is NOT the end all be all of our existence and neither is marriage. Both have their place in the world and in the church. Married folks (successful marriages) should be encouraged to pour wisdom into singles to help prepare them for their time.

Godly marriages have come along side me in my recent years and have helped burst the false bubbles of fantasy and instill reality and wisdom in the approach to relationships. I first had to embrace the fact that marriage is a long-term successful friendship.

Once I got this I was then challenged to learn to walk in love, this love walk was the one without conditions, boy thats been a challenge. Its been a growing pain of growing from where I once was cold to seeing some fruit of growth how be it ever small, but growth is growth.

The successful marriages showed me that even if marriage doesn’t come I need to learn to love myself and my journey. If someone comes along thats traveling the same road and we can go at it together great, if not; I still have a purpose and call of God to fulfill. Embracing this has brought a level of freedom that no matter my status I still have purpose.

I still have bouts of struggle with this from time to time, I won’t lie about that. Thats our human nature and a good one to have as long as its not our driving force. I was reminded once again to seek first the kingdom of God and all His righteousness them all those things can be added to me.

So, if you struggle being single, know that your not alone. Trust in God and His timing. Work on yourself, love yourself, enjoy yourself! Live life, love others, bring joy to those you can around you. Sow seeds of goodness and kindness where you can.

Love yourself enough to wait on the goodness of the Lord! Trust your preparation season, trust the growth, trust in the Love of the Father! He knows what He is doing, he loves you enough to keep you growing before you mess up any good thing He sends your way!

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Stop Running Yourself Down!

We can disect ourselfs to the point of nothingness!

Learning to put the puzzle of my personhood back together!

Body positivity is one of many things I struggle with. I have been endeavoiring to learn that my body is what I am in and accepting every facet of it. This can be a hard pill to swallow! Especially when you have spent many years running yourself down like I have!

I have allowed so much of the opinions of others, the world, and society as a whole to tell me I am not good enough of a woman cause I don’t meet a certain criteria!

One day I was talking to a friend of mine which I happen to admire her councel and wisdom so very much, I happened to mention I wished I was skinny and tan! She said to me so lovingly to not want that, but to embrace the woman that I am, while yes working on myself!

In that moment I stopped and was on complete awe of the words she spoke. They have been said to me before granted, but some how this time it hit my soul differently! It came in a time when I have been pressing into establishing within my internal foundation some key fundamental truths that I need to have that I missed growing up.

Its only been as of recent that pressing into accepting myself wholly is beginning to bring small degrees of healing. The pieces of myself that I constantly want to change are being embraced back into my personhood as a whole.

It’s as if I was humpty dumpty broken and could not get put back together again until a level if healing had come. The lines of the puzzle are become less and less evident and becoming less visible to my critical eye. This is all healing to accept my individuality!

Cynthia

~Beauty for Ashes

👣TAKE THE STEP! 👣

What happens when we step out in faith?

Fear often holds us back from taking steps of faith. I can attest to this more often then not honestly. Fear of what others think, what would they say about me, what will my image be in this?

Fear keeps us in a place of no movement. We become so fixated by fear we are paralyzed to the point that if one move is rationalized then a hoard of fear rises us to speak defeat. They rise up so strong and so loud within we crumble under them.

And He said, “Come!” And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
Matthew 14:29 NASB

Overcoming fear allows you the freedom and confidence to begin to take steps out of the norm and do new things God has been calling you to all along. God has been waiting for steps to be taken by you or I to show to him utter dependance and trust in He who is our everything.

The first step is the hardest to take but the most liberating. God didn’t hive us a spirit of fear ( 2 Tim 1:7). God wants us to be confident children in who we are in Him we were predestined as His children (Eph 1:5) and Gods children should be free from fear as fear is of the world and not the kingdom of God.

Take baby steps til your confident to take bigger steps in faith. The steps you take draw you from the boat of normality and into the place where God can begin to do supernatural things in and through your life.

Fear is a liar and of the enemy!

Learn to rise above the lies!

Learn of your position in the kingdom!

Seek councel and wisdom from others who can help you properly.

Find community of like believers to plug into and connect with for accountability.

Be encouraged today that no fear has a place in Gods children and He has out in is the power to overcome.

~Cynthia 😍

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Relationship Status

Don’t give up on hope that the right one will come along!

Many times as a Single person we can get discouraged seeing others pairing off, getting to go on dates, getting engaged, getting married while we may still be waiting for someone to come into our life.

We are bombarded with questions at times by folks asking especially around the holidays:

Don’t you want to be married?

Don’t you want to have a family?

Why are you single?

The list can go on and on!

These things can become depressing if dwelled on in relation to feelings of hopelessness. But, I have to say and encourage you to not give up. There are times that will come that you will feel like throwing in the towel of hoping and believing for that to happen.

but just as it is written, ” Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard , And which have not entered the heart of man , All that God has prepared for those who love Him .”
1 Corinthians 2:9 NASB

In the time of waiting spend it getting to know yourself. Grow in areas that need maturing or need more adult mindset in. Grow in who you are as a woman or man.

For me as a woman of Faith in God I want to grow in who God says I am, who I can be, and who I can grow to be. Many times we think we are ready for something but God knows our character may not be just there to handle it.

Had I been involved in a relationship while growing in some of the things I needed to develop in, I probably would have destroyed the thing, just being honest.

Becoming secure in who we are as a person is vital also I have been finding. Because if our worth, image and confindence is given to anyone or anything outside of God, when its gone we become devistated, well thats how it was in my case.

Don’t just hook up with people to say your in a relatiomship. Wait for the proper time when its not out of desperation but out of complementation.

When they come to complement your life. The hook ups with wrong people in wrong times are distractions and can even pull you away from God given destinies. When its right it will be evident as there won’t pressure, haste, anxiousness, but a peace as it will be of God and not what we could devise in and of our own self.

Be discovered for having a beautiful mind, and quiet and gentle spirit, fully knowing your worth based on who you are in Christ, accepting your baggage you come with, in knowing your working and growing to overcome them, be healed, delivered and whole in Christ.

Then the Lord answered me and said, “Record the vision And inscribe it on tablets, That the one who reads it may run. “For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay.
Habakkuk 2:2‭-‬3 NASB

Make sure you have a great support system. The fellowship of like minds can help keep you on course, be there in times of weakness ehen you need to talk things out and pray you through difficult times. The time will come if its a desire placed in your heart by God. The vision has an appointed time though it may delay it will come and be on time meaning His time!

Don’t Give Up Hope!

~Cynthia 😍

Waiting

Answers will come at times from the opposite direction.

What happens when we get so fixated for God to move in certain ways. God never acts or does the same thing in the same way even in the word of God. How many times in the word of God was a blind man healed? Not one of them was healed in the same way he healed the other.

Humans we are creatures of habit. Well some of us anyway, ok I know I can be. We see God used a certain person to bless us or help be an answer to a prayer, or something mysterious happens for our good and we begin to think/assume that well, God moved this way before He will move that way again. That isn’t how God operates.

To have utter and complete trust in Him we have to remain in faith, keep hope alive, and rest in what He said He would do. Our job is trust, believe and work on ourself. We have to have a unmovable, unshakeable belief that God will gome through for is in whatever way we need, we need not fixate on how, who, when and where so much as to just be open to receive it from the direction it comes in.

In these lay a multitude of those who were sick, blind, lame, and withered, [waiting for the moving of the waters; for an angel of the Lord went down at certain seasons into the pool and stirred up the water; whoever then first, after the stirring up of the water, stepped in was made well from whatever disease with which he was afflicted.] A man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he had already been a long time in that condition, He said to him, “Do you wish to get well?” The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming, another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, pick up your pallet and walk.” Immediately the man became well, and picked up his pallet and began to walk. Now it was the Sabbath on that day. John 5:3‭-‬9 NASB

In the scripture passage here above we see an example of this. The man knew that the angel would come and stir the waters and he would be healed, of course there are other things I could talk about in relation to this but for now I want to keep focused on He looked to an angel of God coming to stir the waters only to get his healing. Had he not been open to receive the blessing of healing when He shifted his view to Jesus, he may have missed it all together.

He could have been so fixated that the angel stirring the waters was His only way to be healed that He would have missed the greatest opportunity in his lifetime. Don’t we get like that at times? I know I have! When he shifted his focus to Jesus at the question He posed to him by Jesus “do you wish to be well?” and what Jesus was saying the man opened himself up that his blessing could come from a different direction then he had thought the last 38-years of his life.

The man did verbally rationalize with Jesus about how he could be healed, but Jesus knowing the man been long time in that condition saw He longed to be healed of his affliction. He still in his heart opened up to Jesus that healing could come a different way. How many times had the name of Jesus come up in discussions by the pool of water. With the news spreading far about the miracles Jesus was doing I am sure that the man by the pool side had some knowing that miracles were taking place by the man named Jesus.

Shift our focus to God by trusting in Him. This also is seeking Him and His kingdom first. When we look to Him in genuine relationship He knows the intentions of our heart. He knows our thoughts, our cares, concerns, worries, etc. But, He wants to know that we fully rely on Him for everything. Seek His face, worship and praise Him! Resting in His faithfulness while doing what we know to do until answers come.