“Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not. Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.” 1 John 3:1-2 KJV
The World, our environment, how we were raised, our subconscious (our mind), and others can impact how we see ourself and thus label ourselves.
We get labeled by doctors, out bank accounts, our level of education, what we do in church, our past, if we have a criminal background and so much more.
These labels can if allowed to do so deeply cripple a person. It takes time to build a strong constitution of self belief with in a person that has been put down, ridiculed, excluded, outcast, ostracized, scapegoated, black sheeped, etc.
So much of my past I have been labeled the fat one, the depressed one, the one who had made nothing of her life, the constantly broke, the anxious one, the one that went to college and doesn’t use it. The one forever in her parents home, the one who will never marry, the one who is unworthy….and on, and on, and one…
In part some if those labels came from very harsh misjudgment, some seeing from only how their life and others around them; and how their life has unfolded. Some came from hardships and taking on labels prescribed by others. Some labels have been factions of all those negative labels working together and creating more negative labels for me to live by. But, it has and will continue to take hard work on my part to live beyond the labels.
The last maybe 5 years have been spent working on layers upon layers of negativity. Shedding label by label in progressive steps toward seeing my life in new eyes and to place myself on a new trajectory that only I can adjust the path to realign with my true purpose and destiny in life.
As each layer had been dealt with things and people have fallen out or have been removed from my life so that I can keep going forward. This will be my life’s journey and one only I can do. Those who come along and stick with me in it great! To those who fall off or are removed I pledge you many blessings as you go on in your life.
There is freedom in living beyond labels!
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It all began the same way, stuffy nose, slight congestion due to drainageand the normal feeling awful that comes with not being well.
Lived with that for a day, thought nothing of it at that point as the weather had drastically changed at that point. However, the next day that night in between at some point my controlled tinnitus I’ve had since my first round of COVID in Oct 2020 had turned wide open again. First red flag. So, I knew I had taken a specific allergy med that helped keep the volume of that down and attributed the issues I was having to seasonal allergies. By the end of that day, I felt even more awful.
Got off work and headed home, by this point I was feeling like I was gonna fall apart, fatigue was setting in, red flag #2. So, I decided to stop to the pharmacy across from my house to get a cold med as it was at that point teetering between being an allergy cold and a seasonal cold. Went in the store masked up nowadays, if you even have a hint of suspicion of COVID folks are ready to string you up. Ran in, got the liquid cold med and got home, to want to check to see if I had a fever before I started taking the meds. Of course at that moment I did have a fever of 99.9, totally not a good thing and Red flag #3.
Later that night I began to have chills all over as I was sleeping and the bouts of fever and no fever again. Red flag #4. At this point it was a Friday night going into Saturday and with already having these issues I was like I need to go and get a COVID test. Saturday came, I finally mustered up enough strength to get dressed and drive around to the testing facility, to only roll up and find them closed because of the college town I reside in had a game goin on that day. The sign said they would reopen on Sunday at 1pm.
Sunday finally came around after Saturdays exhaustion of going out trying to get tested then hunting for the at home COVID tests of which this whole big town was out of. By this time I had found out I had lost my ability to smell and taste some items. Red flag #5. Also, through the night I had had a whole body spasm in which it didn’t release til 3 hours later. I was in so much pain.
I Left my home at 10 min til 1pm to only find the place packed out at the testing facility. An hour later after I had gotten there they shut down accepting anyone else into the site. It took me 2 hours and 15 min to be processed all the way through from entry to test that day. When I filled out my paperwork I had actively 6 symptoms of COVID two of which I’ve battled for nearly a year now.
It was finally my turn to get closer to being tested as I was under the first carport. They took my ID and clipboard and went to have my testing kit for me prepared for the next carport. One of the worker ladies in the first carport told me that by 1pm there was well over 200 in the parking lot setup to get tested. Then to only tell me that the day prior, one of their machines that processes our test went down. So, its Sunday and well over 200 tests, it would not be the 24hr turn around as it was for me last year. I did the math and this test was my 6th COVID test within a year.
Finally got to the last carport and the young man doing my test we got talking and he too had not long recovered from having COVID in May 2021. We both experience some of the same post COVID related issues.
Now that I had been tested and even Saturday (the day before) I had been working hard on isolation and keeping germs contained and clean and so many more precautions. Going into Monday knowing I need to work and that my test results could go either way. I kept to myself I sanitized my desk at every nose blow or cough to keep things contained and isolated. Monday came and no results. That night I knew I needed to figure out how to access my mychart for test results from the hospital system I tested through.
I finally got into my mychart to see further no results posted. I had to pray my answer would come Tuesday. Woke up Tuesday morning at usual of 6am to find my email had a notification in it that a result had been posted to mychart. I slid that screen notification across to get in there to see finally what my fate would be. In my mind I was positive with this monster called COVID again.
To open my results to only see that I had tested:
Completely baffled and in praise to God that I tested negative. This whole ordeal triggered everything that I’ve had going on in my body since battling COVID in the first place and folks wonder why Im not for the vaccine. This is why! Im still battling its effects just having contracted the actual virus!
But thats a whole other post for another day!
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“Why standest thou afar off, O Lord? why hidest thou thyself in times of trouble?” Psalm 10:1 KJV
There comes a point each year for me that a mode of questioning everything comes around, I have taken note of when learning to pay attention to myself. By this, I mean learning to observe my thoughts and emotions to hopefully gain better control of myself when they want to tale the wheel and drive me in this lifetime. After all, it is called self-control and not others-control.
I have to acknowledge these times and yes know that my thoughts and feelings are valid and then lessen their power by doing so in acknowledging them. This then allows me a doorway to finding out the root of whats going on with me.
For three days now…
I have been in an introspective, intense thinking, re-observation of things that have played out that has well triggered this space of dwelling in my thoughts for too long and not combatting them with truth.
Its funny how I’ve been built where I can revisit situations, conversations, times and places and see it from as if an out of body perspective on the same things my conscious mind may not have initially comprehended at the time when the situation occurred. Course in my pre-mature stage, that allowed me to see things in a twisted way in their revisiting and able to repaint it in a way that appeased my soul.
I’ve had to learn through progression to se things in truth and for what they really where. Did I take something the wrong way when it was said and when I got all offended, was that really have how I should have taken it. Was there any validity in the statement, was their something I needed to see about myself, or was it a projection from an issue from the other person.
These are things that are hard to grow in. Its taken me years and years. Even to this day I still have to do this. But, the time from reaction to fixing it has been progressively getting shorter and shorter. I still have such a long way to go.
I sit back looking and observing things at work, at home, in my interpersonal connections… then not dealing with things properly…
I wonder…have they lied to me
I wonder…do they even really give one care bout me
I wonder…why do they have anything to do with me
I wonder…why they got close to others and not me
I wonder…why wasn’t I chosen
And on, and on, and on
This tailspin happens to the point of where It will cause me to shut down and block out everyone. Yes, this is something that has been on repeat in my life and something I have taken note of that I do.
But why do I do this…
It all boils down to lack of healthy things a child needs when growing up. I lacked validation of my humanity and who I am as a person from a very early age. My parents were hard working individuals and provided everything within their means for us…Yet, I have emotionally lacked.
It is up to me to fix this and validate myself by enlisting the truth of God’s word on who I am, how much I am loved, how much I am here for a purpose for His kingdom, how much He has His hand upon my very life.
Last year I could have died when I had COVID and yet I am still here for a purpose.
No matter who comes and who goes
No matter who validates you or not
No matter what happens or not
I believe without a shadow of a doubt, that my God is with me til the end…the one and only answer to all of Life’s Questions.
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There are parts of me that still think this is 2020….
Another part of me is like the year is flying by. However, the roller coaster of emotions from all of this has effects in more ways then one.
I have noticed so many changes in my physical health and mental health that has been exasperated from the climate of things going on.
In the last few months since I am post covid survivor, I am finding my fatigue still hits me hard. I have been battling issues of my entire musculoskeletal system seizing up in cramps and pains that I’ve never felt before on the magnitude of it attacking my entire body. Prolonged times of healing from things that once didn’t take as long.
All this while the world is now being greatly impacted by this virus yet again, but not the alpha variant, the delta variant is causing a re-surge of cases, deaths, hospitalizations, thus causing for more political propaganda on insisting that folks get vaccinated. Creating a world of fear mongering.
The mainstream media is siting that most of the resurgence is among the unvaccinated, stating that they (the unvax) are responsible foe the wide spread resurge and rise in death.
Then to have these doctors like Dr Fauci on tv and any streaming saying get vaccinated, but yes he knows its not 100% that it will not keep everyone who is vaccinated from contracting COVID, as they have documented cases of vaccinated people being infected and dieing still; even vaccinated.
Then without missing a beat Dr Fauci himself states that vaccinated people that encounter the virus in any-state are MORE likely to infect and spread the virus as they contain more of it not only in their body but within their nasal passage ways from apparently which the virus escapes the body. This I have no idea on; my only thing is COVID is NOT only an airborne sickness, that it is transmittable in other ways as well.
The forever rhetoric of not only constant misinformation, but also coupled with the fear that they want to inflict upon the American population, this effectively finding ways to slowly and without knowing; stripping away the rights of the people in many factors (Constitutionally & The right of Patients – HIPAA).
On April 27th, I made a post when the whole passport vaccination thing was becoming prevalent. I stated then, we don’t have to disclose our status of inoculations against a VIRUS; the whole thing would have to be re-classified as a DISEASE; in order to have to disclose. Whats been slowly happening. Many politicians and tv Doctors are calling this now a DISEASE.
They are not only re-instituting masks; but because of the life circumstances many refuse to work and businesses are yet again being effected by lack of employees. The new Delta variant with the fear of it being more deadly then the Alpha variant has sent folks voluntarily back into quarantine.
What are we to do going forward living in this world.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I am currently writing my story of going through having COVID. Stay connected!
Surrendering visions and dreams of what we thought our life would look like at certain milestones of life; can be some of the hardest things to release.
I lost my mom in 2016 to Kidney failure and of course many other health conditions that attributed to her final days. I was only at the time 32 years old.
As time has passed and my life continues to change, I often wonder what it would be like if she was still here. Course the last year and half with all thats going ok in the world, I’m glad she isn’t here to deal with the turmoil and mayhem and mess that covid and do much else has put on the world.
Then I wonder about further down the road when I may get married and have a family; she won’t be here to help me pick out a dress, she won’t be here to welcome home a grandchild.
So many things like that have been lost to me when she passed. Whats worse is that the day she passed away and my emotionally detached father and brother of course remain; but I still feel like an orphan.
Surrendering the dream of having so much of what I’ve seen others have to grow and watch their parents age gracefully and pass at ripe old ages. Somehow, thats not been my lot in life.
Learning to come to grips even four years our is something I need to express this nugget of repressed grief. I know I never processed the death of my mother fully.
I tried putting these words together before mother’s day and all I could do was sob. Of course, as I am now writing this as well. But, the difference between this week and two weeks ago, I’ve released resentment and anger of her passing. Realizing that I had her for 32 years of being my mom and my best friend. Now she is at rest and peace no longer in pain, no longer suffering, no longer governed by this earth. I know she resides on glory, even in dialysis she spent her days witnessing.
Surrendering this I feel the weight of it lifting slowly from my soul, will I still grieve, of course. Will it be as painful, no, it will be happy tears of times of joy and well spent time together.
Letting go of things are necessary at times, cause it can hold us back in other ways. I pray that as I push forth from releasing, I can hopefully not be blocked from things my soul housed within it, that needed dealing with.
What could be holding you back?
Is it time to surrender?
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“We have your results!? Your test came back you are POSITIVE for COVID.”
Immediately, my heart sank and then flight mode of hurry up time is running out kicked in. On 10/10/2020 at 3:30pm my life went from being lived to you got only a few short hours left before lock down.
I called my employer, coworkers, anyone I had come in contact with to inform them of my horrific news, so they could watch themself and get tested as well if need be. Luckily, I am not a spreader, everyone tested negative, but me. A front line worker in the height of a global pandemic who has no health insurance, no means of income while in isolation. Thus propelling me into the trusting arms of the Father God to take care of me in health and to help provide for me while I am out of work going into the second week now.
My tribe has surrounded me, brought me food, financial support, and moral and comforting support. So many have genuinely checked on me that warms my heart to know that such love does exists in the world. When on the counter spectrum as well i have been privy to messages from distant familial relations reflecting a demeanor of humor at my healths expense during these times. Another instant of not so distant familial relation refusing to support my aging father who resides in my home to remove him for his own safety and calling me childish and my own doing for supposedly catching this that which they deem nonexistent. A battle such as this reveals the true nature of people that you have in your life. Take note of how they do while your in crisis. Cause in the opposite they will expect a great return from you in their own time of need. My family is my tribe of God given people that come from various backgrounds of life that have shown time and time again their genuine love, care and support of me in many things not just in good or bad but in level times as well.
My Father of whom is aging and has severe medical illnesses of which could make this virus deadly if it enters His body, from which I am doing all I can to isolate from him, stay away from common areas and keeping surfaces clean. Even as sick as I have been he still relies on me to make sure he has food and meds and is tended too.
Thankfully, my tribe jumped in and had pizza delivered. Brought bags of sandwiches, soups, pancakes and two other dishes so I wouldn’t get exhausted cooking. Those dishes helped so much on the really bad days of this virus having its hay-day within my body.
One Story COVID Night of Terror:
It was at about 11:15pm during my fourth night of isolation, I had been asleep since some time in the afternoon when my fever had spiked to 100.2 and I took meds and laid down. It was at this time my fur-baby Sweet Pea stood beside my bed barked in my ear and it startled me awake. I was so into sleeping it didn’t phase me too much, til next thing I knew she jumped on the bed laid beside me and rolled her head back onto my chest. That pressure on my chest woke me up again then I heard my cell phone messenger beep. So, reluctantly I gathered myself to sit up. I checked my phone it was my lead tribe person saying they was checking on me and that I had come up heavy for them. Not two min later another beep came in my other tribe was checking on me. Something was definitely wrong with me, with all this activity. One pleaded with me to check my temperature. I did and my fever was right back up and climbing 100.5 this time. I struggled to move from the bed to medicine table where I checked my temperature and then take more meds before slipping back into slumber. Had it not been for the spirit alerting people and my Sweet Pea to get me up and take meds how much damage could have been done to me if I hadn’t been lured from that deceptive slumber of fever in covid state.
My symptoms began as massive body pain to the point of it being virtually debilitating, cough, sinus pressure, fever, headache, runny nose. Were the first symptoms that drove me to get tested in the first place. It took two days to get the results. Later my symptoms in isolation became frequent fever spikes, delirium, sensory system overload of pulsating and flashing that drove me to medicate and sleep. After about 6 days in isolation my sense of smell left me, taste is diminished, I can only taste salty or sweet. I have been sleeping more than not, and I have been workin on hydration and immunity rebuild.
It was Friday, October 16th I ventured to get retested as my severe symptoms had let up and I had been in isolation for the time required. I got my call for my results that I still am testing COVID POSITIVE. This virus is one for the record books. To still be testing positive for it. That marked my third ever COVID test. And now, I have to isolate still and then get retested again before I can even think about going back to work on the front lines during a global pandemic. I have suffered through isolation the first round, I am not sure how I am gonna do for another week, I need people and being that I cannot assimilate with people it is depressing.
I am fighting and battling COVID in my body and I will win! Cause my tribe is praying for me, helping me to keep mentally astute and checking on my well-being. Feeling such true love of Agape from people is often times what a wounded soul needs to heal.
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These last few months have been the most unusual and yet a resetting of daily living by every person around the world.
How many can say they haven’t been conditioned in the last few months to wash their hands more or use hand sanitizer more frequently. We now are conditioned to stay 6ft away from one another, limiting/no physical contact, taking extra precautionary measures when around elderly or immune-compromised individuals.
I know I have been, every time I touch something in a store I hand sanitize, cause you just don’t know who or what came in contact with it before you touched it. Masks in public and around the immune-compromised is a natural occurrence.
In the state in the USA in which I reside they have entered Phase 2 of reopening, whereas we spent 2 weeks in Phase 1 and saw an increase in COVID-19 cases drastically. They suggest that its coming from the ability to test more people and yet some how the cases keep rising as reopening happens and more and more are traveling, taking less precautious measures and not social distancing. Its as if it is becoming a thing of the past.
The repercussions of the shut down to the state will take a while to recover from. Many retail businesses have announced they are going out of business. Many are waiting for unemployment benefits and the first round of stimulus payment, all the while the gov’t is trying to make a decision to help the population out while recovery from the shut down is in the baby stage for some, for other business, they still waiting for the OK from the governor.
People are loosing loved ones left and right from this virus and others are loosing loved ones from the side effects I will call it of COVID-19. Suicide, depression, mental breakdowns have become the more prominent in last month or so just as the virus.
Kids cannot have a formal graduation, proms, social gatherings for birthdays, its all been taken from them and that is hard for kids. Its just as hard on adults when you have job stress, lack of friendship connection, cut off from once daily or routine things.
Every body handles and deals with stress differently, I myself, I wish I handled it better than I do. My stress levels peak out so much that I have resorted back to alcohol and cigarettes as a means to cope.
Was this a good thing to do? Of course not! Many times I wish I had a close friend that I could talk to and share things with cause life can be so hard. I am taking care of an aging parent who doesn’t always understand why he cannot go out during all this. At work the load has about doubled as my boss has been in self quarantine about 2 months now. She had me run her errands or get thing she needs from store, help her with technology difficulties and more.
I also have two fur-kids who stick to me like glue, I love my fur-babies they both get on the bed to be near me when I have bad days. They truly are great companions and emotional supports during these dark says of corona virus.
Many times I would love to just sail away from it all. But, right now its all the more impossible to do any such thing.
Living during the time of a global Pandemic (COVID-19)
I’m not even gonna lie, this whole quarantine/shutdown has been hard on me. Truthfully, it revealed to me just how much of an extrovert I am now. I am very much an ambivert, but I lean more extrovert in nature. I do have times of goin and being alone to recollect myself, but those times are fewer then the desire to be with people.
This quarantine has taken me to a place within my emotional realm that I couldn’t take much more of the pressure and erupted like a volcano, spewing out toxic lava from my innermost being out onto those closest to me. Like the aftermath of any natural disaster, my own aftermath left things in not good places for days and it will continue on in the weeks and months ahead to recover.
By Easter Sunday I was completely tapped of everything and decided to go for a walk to a nearby place I haven’t ventured to yet. So, I waited some to allow the traffic there to slow down some before I set out to clear my head, connect in nature and just “be”.
I needed that the most to just “be”.
Being Super Woman has its limitations when your acting within your own strength and by this time I was severely depleted. It was so peaceful and calm the serenity of where I went to walk that I do ever so long to go again.
I basked in the solitude of the quietness of nature. I wasn’t being demanded of to solve a problem. I was allowed to feel small in a big world, with a huge problem, and the desperate need of a savior. This walk I will call my repentance walk for everything I had attributed to in the week prior to not being very Christ-like at all.
I journeyed out from the Park where I took my walk, of which I will share more photos from at the end of this blog, to visit some stores for essentials. To my grand dismay many were closed up so tight that not even a fly could penetrate their barriers. This didn’t set well with me once more. This whole mess has brought out the spoiled child within me dealing with only first world problems.
When if I took a reality check my issues are minor compares to others. Many are battling this horrendous COVID-19 aka Corona Virus to the point of loss of life on epic scales. Many have lost jobs and income flows due to Gov’t/State regulations to lessen the curve peak of this virus to not destroy the fragile health care system in which would be needed to treat massive amounts of this virus. This virus and everything happening is a history in the making.
Many states are now extending the orders to stay at home and many essential businesses have had to come up to Governor mandated codes for protecting the public and essential workers. As of 5pm on Monday, the state in which I reside had new rules that came into implementation. We have had to limit the number of patrons inside the building, we have had to provide a hand sanitization of some kind. Prepare barriers between customers and checkout attendants.
So Friday of the week prior to the codes going into effect. I had to bring the establishment where I work up to code as being in tele-communications that is deemed an essential business. I had my own science project to make home made Clorox wipes to provide some kind of hand sanitation to customers as hand sanitizer in itself is sold out. The governors order stated the need to establish a time for senior customers, create a flow of one way into and out of stores and even within create flows for isles of grocery goods and shut down/limit use of any public restrooms. I rigged up a clear shower curtain to act as a barrier and after customers environmental cleaning has to be done to slow down the spread of this virus.
By the time Monday came I was so far over it all that waking up to find tornado warnings and hearing news of tornado strikes it just made the whole of the day so dark. Mind you I was still recovering from the dark night of the soul I just walked through to walk out into more darkness. It has all been too much for my soul to entertain.
Tuesday came and it seemed better it was bright and sunshine of the day cheered my dark soul up some. At one point I was able to just go sit by the water and pray for a moment and seek some stillness for my innermost being that has been so loud that I needed an escape.
By Wednesday, recovery was probably at the half way mark and yet still a need to know how to fix my innermost being from potentially not having to go through this again as the pandemic remains. My eyes had to be enlightened to somethings about myself that I must learn from, and grow up out of, as well as, begin to tame.
I am set to charge down the things within me that need to be shifted and changed during these hard and stressful times. As I am taught, fruit only comes during the hardest of trials. For me this whole situation the last few months have been the hardest yet, and to be honest we none know when the end will be insight. The best I can do is learn and grow and make the most of this time. I have made some masks from scarfs (3 finished one incomplete) and have completed one pillow and another pillow to be made. While I wasn’t in a good place I stopped the work on my second book until I recover. I am not sure what else I may take up to fill my time.
My greatest hope is that all this will be over soon and we can return to some sense of normalcy.
“We will sing for joy over your victory, And in the name of our God we will set up our banners. May the LORD fulfill all your petitions.” Psalms 20:5 NASB
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“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 NKJV
I sit here in the silence, asking God what is the message for me and the blog I write once a week? No sooner I asked, and got silent within, I heard “be of good cheer!”
The great Abba Father that He is sent a message into my spirit one of comfort to reinforce peace in my life. The event of this week have been a major pull on my logic and emotions! I even confessed to my spiritual leader in the faith that I felt myself slipping into a depressive state. She encouraged me with words of comfort and wisdom as she always does.
“When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.” Psalms 94:19 NASB
I got home and had to force my way into worship, I forced my way into looking at the word to renew as I was only in the early state of emotional slipping before emotions fully intoxicated me and I was very unrenewed.
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” Romans 12:2 NKJV
Even as of yesterday, I had to plant myself before the word and remain in it, I got home to cook dinner for my father and freely worshipped, prayed in my heavenly language and then began to feel peace as small as a pebble.
The message I received of “be of good cheer” was a timely one. God knows that in these uncertain times it is faith that will pull us through. Faith isnt a ticket out of tribulation, faith is a hope through dire times. As things continually are getting shut down, enforcement to remain home becomes more essential, that our health and lively hoods are being greatly effected.
As of today more nonessential places are forced to close at 5pm for two weeks. People that have non essential jobs are out of work. Others that have employment that are essential are still allowed to work at this time as more and more cases of confirmed COVID-19 are coming out. Many are now instituting curfews to help condense the probability of spreading this virus! May Hod be with us all during this!
This is the virus heard round the world at this point! By faith we will make it!
By faith anchor in truth of the Word of God!
“For men swear by one greater than themselves, and with them an oath given as confirmation is an end of every dispute. In the same way God, desiring even more to show to the heirs of the promise the unchangeableness of His purpose, interposed with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us. This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil,” Hebrews 6:16-19 NASB