Before I Became Content

In being single…

I have been very discontented in my life about the fact I was single. To be perfectly honest when I saw people posting of their relationships online I was secretly bitter inside with the fact they had someone and I didn’t. I harbored those bitter, resentful, and angry feelings for years and years.

But why did I have those feelings?

Cause secretly within me I was doing several things:

1) Comparing myself to the other woman

2) Judging why did they deserved that happiness.

3) Adding to wounds of low-self esteem and feeding my own insecurities.

This was especially the case if the guy I liked entered into a relationship with someone else that was not me. Actually, it was 10x worse in some cases…depends on how much I opened my heart up to the situation and allowed myself to think things that had no validity whatsoever.

I would in my mind entertain things:

• He is talking to me, he must like me

• He spends time with me, he must like me

• He complimented me, he thinks I’m beautiful, he must like me

All those things are very juvenile and should be what a teenager deals with in crushes and things. Which revealed a place within me that needed maturing. When those things came into my life from the opposite sex, I was easily moved! If I am not careful, it can still a happen easily.

I have a core issue within me that was exposed that needs healing. That core issue was seeing myself as worthy and valuable enough to be in that position. This core issue has been getting worked on through counseling sessions, in-depth teaching from my Pastoral leadership in target areas that are vital to the health of my inner being in this area of life.

If I don’t mature and get healing then I will be keeping myself in a perpetual cycle of hurt. It was told to me once because of the tender state of my heart when I do love cause it can be deep, that I need to guard my heart better.

Through much hurt down the years I had to learn to guard and each time it happened I had to find the lesson, find the weak place, then work on strengthening those weaknesses. I am still working on these, I can honestly say that I can see I have grown in some level.

Here’s how I know growth has come. I had a “situation-ship” that spanned about 9 months, me and the guy talked every day, like three times a day. I was so stupidly excited thinking this may be the one, which it wasn’t, he was talking to other women all along and was never serious.

This whole thing sent me into a hard downward spiral to the point I was ready to kill myself in doing an overdose. I felt like I had given so much that it was tossed like tattered clothes when it happened. I eventually got over it and moved on in life.

To my latest now this one shew was a doozy, but it revealed some growth. A guy who frequented by my job for bout a month we talked, flirted, texted, this one was hot and heavy on the flirt scale. It eventually revealed itself that this one was married.

I was totally mixed emotions about the whole thing, but never once did I entertain end my life. I removed all contact with the guy as to not continue to have him emotionally cheating on his wife. I had to seek repentance for this as to make sure I don’t reap what I sow.

In the first situation I reveal, I had made everything of who I was based off of my acceptance from that man. It was a codependency that I had created that caused me to want to end it when it didn’t work out. In between situation one and two though, my counselor had told me that a man is an accessory.

Accessories add value, but don’t make the person. I make me no matter if I have a man or not and that has been something I needed to hear, but to also accept deeply. Which has been a catalyst to help me grow on a level from being immature and moved to mature and unmoved when a man comes or goes in my life.

Now to not be distracted I have laid aside the deep need and extreme want of having a relationship to press in closer to God genuinely and fulfill those things He wants me to do in the earth to leave an impact for His glory. Its a daily struggle, but it is one I am committed to lay aside until the right Man of God comes along into my life.

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭KJV‬‬

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Thank you for reading! Leave a comment if this helped you in anyway! I love to hear your feed back 💞

Cynthia 🥰

Walk with me…

We are not to be an island to ourself!

Human nature longs to feel needed, wanted, desired, appreciated, and ao many other things that God built within us to need Him and to need people in our life that are filled with him.

We can isolate due to many things like hurt, rejection, acceptance issues, being an introvert, or so many other reasons as to why we disconnect from others of humanity to not go through some things again or to not deal, whatever the case may be we are not to go at things alone.

I know for myself I have done some isolating in my past when things happened I wanted to be far away to not open my heart, my ability to love (which was small-it needed work), my obcessive care, etc.

But, what has happened is that my Pastor has lovingly shown me that is not only error to live as such a way as God built us for human connection. He built us to love one another as ourself, we are built to love our enemies, we are built to love our neighbor, we are built to guard our heart, we are built to observe the fruit of a person to know if its genuine or deception.

This is how we can know who is to walk with us in life and those who may be passing through your life to teach us something or to show us where we may need to improve. Iron sharpens iron in the life of a believer. But we to are called to love which is the greatest command of all.

~Love Life~Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia

What is it all about?

Relationship with God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit.

In my time of singleness I has given me opportunity to develop my relationship with God. Singleness is a distraction free time. Its a time where if you want you can fast all day or read the word all day. Worship and praise Him all day or Pray all day. A time in which you don’t have to have just delegated time with him, which we should that on occasion as work and life calls and makes demands. But we can spend time the more communicating with him. Letting Him build us up. Letting Him love on you. Letting Him send those who have his love in him to walk along side you in great Godly bonds of fellowship. We are not to dispise the days of small beginnings. The small beginning may be in the time of singleness to learn how to have a relationship with God as that is the solid foundation to any relationship (friendship, marriage, etc). As we grow in our love and connection to him he grows and expands our love to church family and those that we see that we encounter that need to know the love of God through us. I have great people around me and a great leader before me as my Pastor who loves us with Agape love. God uses people to show his love to us as she teaches me. The love I am getting now in my season of singleness is helping bring healing to unnourished places in the soul from childhood things. So, what is it all about? Building the relationship with Him in a deep and intimate way to commune with him, know him deeply to lead you, guide you, love you and yoi can trust in what He is and does and can be then its very much worth it all. ~Love Life~Live Life~ 😍 ~Cynthia 😉

Single and Happy

There is a time and season for all things!

It is widely popular now that if your not with someone then there has to be something wrong with you.

Is there something wrong with me?

I am single and have been a very long time!

Does that make my humanity any less than someone involved with someone?

The world and times would say yes there is something wrong with me. In some cases yes the church world would also! Yes! I said it the church also!

Not to many in the area I reside have singles geared programs, teachings on how to be am effective single, being a single christian and devoting your time to God in that season.

It wasn’t until I started going to Reformation Developmental Center pastored by Juanita Gibbs where she began to open up my world to me that my time of singleness is a gift to be treasured.

I am free to serve the kingdom as much as I can without distractions. I dont have to subject my earnings to anyone else before I give to the kingdom. I don’t have to subject my body but to God in this time when I want to fast and such.

Yes, I admit being single and remaining as such has gotten me down in the past. I have allowed man made ideas, holidays and the like to tell me what I am suppose to be as a 30ish single.

But what does God say about it as His truth trumps the ideals of men. God says seek me with your whole heart. Seek me first, keep me first, surrender everything to me. That is Gods order and design.

As I mentioned in my last singles post by doing the seeking and work on my own that was my self will not Gods will. He killed every plan that was not of his plan and purposes. Thank God He did too.

My time of singleness is to work on my inner life to have my soul prosper. To correct the inner issues, to heal the inner wounds, to subject myself to the God who knows whats best for me. He proclaims His ways are higher, his thoughts are higher.

Man oh man are they ever. Had God not stepped in and stopped my plans how much heartache and pain in the long run has he saved me from and from inflicting on another.

My soul issues could and have done serious damage left unattended. I am learning slowly to love life as a single, give my all to God, serve him in my current purpose and seek him and keep him first.

God says keep humble and at the proper time exultation will come for them who remain humble. Humble left the building on me the other day and seeing it deeply grieves me. Pride genuinley comes before the fall.

When you fall, fall and look at why you fell then see why you fell and learn from it to keep from repeating it. Only the meek can inherit the earth as the earth is His and the fullness there of and having a level of pride negates the capacity of God to show himself as He knows he wont be glorified.

Humble will glorify God over self. These are just things that I am learning and discovering about myself in my time now without distractions as I am finding contentmemt and trust slowly as it comes to my relationship with God.

As I allow Him into my life he is filling me with himself and His truth to be free from old bondage, be healed from past woundings, and to live a life that glorfies him over any thing and everything I can or have done.

My Pastor who has helped me embrace my singleness and learn about myself in this time. She does also teach on the fundamentals of relationships and the dynamics of it all.

Please don’t misunderstand these posting either of a bitter or hatefilled singlehood. No this is just an enlightenment on my journey.

Every single persons journey is different. I am just expressing and showing that you can find happiness in the status that is so widely not popular to have.

~Love Life~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉