The Call No One Wants To Get!

“We have your results!? Your test came back you are POSITIVE for COVID.”

Immediately, my heart sank and then flight mode of hurry up time is running out kicked in. On 10/10/2020 at 3:30pm my life went from being lived to you got only a few short hours left before lock down.

I called my employer, coworkers, anyone I had come in contact with to inform them of my horrific news, so they could watch themself and get tested as well if need be. Luckily, I am not a spreader, everyone tested negative, but me. A front line worker in the height of a global pandemic who has no health insurance, no means of income while in isolation. Thus propelling me into the trusting arms of the Father God to take care of me in health and to help provide for me while I am out of work going into the second week now.

My tribe has surrounded me, brought me food, financial support, and moral and comforting support. So many have genuinely checked on me that warms my heart to know that such love does exists in the world. When on the counter spectrum as well i have been privy to messages from distant familial relations reflecting a demeanor of humor at my healths expense during these times. Another instant of not so distant familial relation refusing to support my aging father who resides in my home to remove him for his own safety and calling me childish and my own doing for supposedly catching this that which they deem nonexistent. A battle such as this reveals the true nature of people that you have in your life. Take note of how they do while your in crisis. Cause in the opposite they will expect a great return from you in their own time of need. My family is my tribe of God given people that come from various backgrounds of life that have shown time and time again their genuine love, care and support of me in many things not just in good or bad but in level times as well.

My Father of whom is aging and has severe medical illnesses of which could make this virus deadly if it enters His body, from which I am doing all I can to isolate from him, stay away from common areas and keeping surfaces clean. Even as sick as I have been he still relies on me to make sure he has food and meds and is tended too.

Thankfully, my tribe jumped in and had pizza delivered. Brought bags of sandwiches, soups, pancakes and two other dishes so I wouldn’t get exhausted cooking. Those dishes helped so much on the really bad days of this virus having its hay-day within my body.

One Story COVID Night of Terror:

It was at about 11:15pm during my fourth night of isolation, I had been asleep since some time in the afternoon when my fever had spiked to 100.2 and I took meds and laid down. It was at this time my fur-baby Sweet Pea stood beside my bed barked in my ear and it startled me awake. I was so into sleeping it didn’t phase me too much, til next thing I knew she jumped on the bed laid beside me and rolled her head back onto my chest. That pressure on my chest woke me up again then I heard my cell phone messenger beep. So, reluctantly I gathered myself to sit up. I checked my phone it was my lead tribe person saying they was checking on me and that I had come up heavy for them. Not two min later another beep came in my other tribe was checking on me. Something was definitely wrong with me, with all this activity. One pleaded with me to check my temperature. I did and my fever was right back up and climbing 100.5 this time. I struggled to move from the bed to medicine table where I checked my temperature and then take more meds before slipping back into slumber. Had it not been for the spirit alerting people and my Sweet Pea to get me up and take meds how much damage could have been done to me if I hadn’t been lured from that deceptive slumber of fever in covid state.

My symptoms began as massive body pain to the point of it being virtually debilitating, cough, sinus pressure, fever, headache, runny nose. Were the first symptoms that drove me to get tested in the first place. It took two days to get the results. Later my symptoms in isolation became frequent fever spikes, delirium, sensory system overload of pulsating and flashing that drove me to medicate and sleep. After about 6 days in isolation my sense of smell left me, taste is diminished, I can only taste salty or sweet. I have been sleeping more than not, and I have been workin on hydration and immunity rebuild.

It was Friday, October 16th I ventured to get retested as my severe symptoms had let up and I had been in isolation for the time required. I got my call for my results that I still am testing COVID POSITIVE. This virus is one for the record books. To still be testing positive for it. That marked my third ever COVID test. And now, I have to isolate still and then get retested again before I can even think about going back to work on the front lines during a global pandemic. I have suffered through isolation the first round, I am not sure how I am gonna do for another week, I need people and being that I cannot assimilate with people it is depressing.

I am fighting and battling COVID in my body and I will win! Cause my tribe is praying for me, helping me to keep mentally astute and checking on my well-being. Feeling such true love of Agape from people is often times what a wounded soul needs to heal.

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🌻Cynthia🌻

Fall Days

Global Pandemic Style

Well… picking up where I left off in my last blog post, the state in which I reside in America entered Phase 3 of reopening. But guess what?!?! We are still under a full mask mandate! The numbers of cases fell back for a time, now they are surging again. More and more coming down with this now dreaded virus.

Many times with the news of all this like staring at a forest and not seeing a way out! Then you make a turn toward faith during all this then suddenly a glimmer of light shines forth. With each passing day we all must fight to remain positive or easily slip into the dark abyss of depression. I battle this myself so I know the struggle well.

So much has been happening that its too much for the brain! I work in telecommunications and I tell you we should be considered front line workers trying to help keep kids schools going with them doing remote learning and keeping our cable network afloat amidst the networks making so many changes to towers, equipment and more its a constant hurdle to keep people informed and able to do work and school. Its only Wednesday and I feel like I have done a months worth of work in two weeks.

I have to remind myself that if I fall apart I am the only one who will pick me up and help me get back together again along with my faith in God and the tools my leaders have given me to use. Its ok to fall apart! Just don’t allow yourself to stay in those states. Get up and get back to the battle. The battle will be as long as we have breathe in our bodies.

I try to keep some new ways to keep life entertaining and exciting by sewing little pillows, walks in park, watching movies from time to time, or just listening to music, occasionally a book, game or puzzle of some kind.

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Moments With Cynthia

Life During Corona Virus

Covid-19 – Year 2020 – Photo Collection

My blogs have become a way to chronicle my navigating life during this corona virus global pandemic and how it has impacted me and my state of living.

Many are the days when Saturdays come when I am in my room, enjoying a cup of coffee before I begin my day. Mentally navigating the day, what needs to be done inside my place, what needs to be done outside my place, and what new restrictions are in place. The governor of my state which is North Carolina since my blogs reach globally, has decided to keep our state at Phase 2 of the reopening while mandating face-masks in all public forums, maintaining social distancing and making sure we sanitize and clean our hands to prevent the spread and spike in the number of cases.

Sadly, this mandate sucks! But, it is needful to get the numbers down of the active cases of covid and to keep the state somewhat running. So many are still out of jobs due to many restrictions still being implemented. Also, many are rebelling against many of the mandates from the governor, the most controversial is the wearing of face-masks. Many out right proclaim and display their rebellion by not following it in word and deed. If people would obey, then maybe things would get accomplished more timely.

In recent weeks, a group of Doctors made a video before the Supreme Court and it was posted online and it went viral. Perhaps many reading this got to see the video before it got taken down from all social media platforms. This alone was a red flag for me. I’m not sure how others took it, but its as if the powers that be are procuring the hiding of the truth for selfish gain. These doctors stood publically and stated their findings on the use of three existing medications to combat and perhaps one day exterminate this Covid-19. The powers that be are pushing for a new vaccine that if they patent would make millions if not billions off the lives of the sick they took an oath to help heal. If I state the three meds this blog is sure to be taken down. So i will only mention two as they are a mineral Zinc and a Z-pack the other more controversial med I will leave out but abbreviate as HCQN.

In more recent events of the day last week was a monumental one! It began with goin through the already existing stuff in the world, but to add to it a hurricane for the eastern part of NC on which I reside. To the western part of the state being impacted by a 5.1 Level Earthquake, the first in many many years of that magnitude.

With all this going on, I will sink and wonder where are the good moments? 2020 has been a year that took my vehicle away in a way. Going and doing things has been cut off. And with this weeks events alone I could settle into a depression beyond anyones wildest imaginations if I allow myself to.

Constantly working to stay head above water is a constant renewing. Plugging the word of God into my mind over and over. Today my favorite verses of life kept coming to me. They are Psalm 91:1-4 which you will see below:

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭91:1-4 KJV

After pulling from these verses I was reminded of the good. Like going recently to one of the Sunday School Kids I work withs 2nd birthday. I gave him his first kiddie bible and it had a handle and colorful pictures in it. He toted it around Sunday showing off the pictures inside. That was a joy to my soul to see the 2 yr old embrace the word so innocently. Not to mention how popping his party was with the food and all. His aunt put a hurting on that cake and Cousin put a hurting down on that chip dip that we partook of during the festivities.

After the party I stopped at the Wal-Mart and browsed around. I stumbled across the $5 movie bin. I rarely find anything in those things that even appeal to be viewed. But, this time I stumbled upon two great finds. I love watching war movies, movies based on actual events, faith-based movies and the occasional Romantic-Comedy. I was able to enjoy a few nights watching movies and relaxing. Something of which I rarely do, but I gave in and allowed the down time.

Reorganizing my life and prioritizing things and doing the actual planning and doing of things opened up my life to be able to take time to enjoy those movies. In doing this restructuring to my life, I went to one of my favorite store to see what they had I could use to get organized with.

Needless to say I left with a new notebook, a new bible to use specifically for my youth teaching material, and a book to read. The notebook has been so helpful in maintaining my kingdom work in an area where I admin and on my own personal page that I post these blogs too. Did I need another book to add to my shelf? No! But guess what, it spoke to me! So, I got it and will have it in my spare time to read.

One day in my silliness I was scrolling through my social media platforms and ran across the most hilarious post I’d seen that really struck my funny bone. This happened to be on a bad day that I needed a good laugh to break up the monotony of life. I ended up sharing the image to a group that I am in asking a friend of mine if we could do this at their house. It went over with a barrel of laughs that who knows we all may have needed that day. I will share the image below so it can bring some laughter to your world as it did mine!

Thank you all so much for taking time to read my blog! Taking time to view my photo collections I share in my writings! May we all be safe from this corona virus and keep living life as best we can.

Be sure to shop my teespring store for merchandise I have created! I will be in there building more eventually. With fall around the corner my hoodie would be ideal to stay encouraged and warm in the coming months!

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🌺Love Life ~ Live Life⚓️

~Cynthia

Life Update During A Pandemic ~ Photo Collection

2020 Has become a year for the history books!

So, since I left off blogging last at the end of May, the state in which I reside took us from Lock down to Phase 1 and then to Phase 2.

The cases statewide have continued to grow during Phase 2 and when the state evaluated us entering Phase 3, they said No! The governor declared we are to remain at Phase 2 for three more weeks which will expire at 5pm on July 17. With this came a new mandate, for all public safety we are to now wear masks in public, in retail settings and any position when dealing with the public.

Needless to say… I was not and am not thrilled about the new mandate. But, I have chosen to abide by the ruling for my safety and for those of whom I encounter on a day-to-day basis. The weekend of the ruling local sheriff’s offices were putting out statement about how they won’t be enforcing the ruling on individual basis’, but when businesses don’t follow the mandate they could step in and thus fine the establishment.

Several businesses have been sited for not following the mandate, and I just read one today the law shut a business down that was suppose to be closed during this phase and now they were forcibly shut down. The governor stated he went this route while in Phase 2 so we wouldn’t have to go back to Phase 1 like other states who have seen even more drastic spikes in covid cases.

The employer I work for mandated under the governors ruling that we are to wear masks with working with the public. That has not been enjoyable at all! It will keep me safe. Its so strange how masks have become not only for safety, but a fashion accessory. I have had to adjust my makeup routine to accommodate wearing masks off and on all day. This whole year has been one adjustment after another.

One thing this pandemic has done was restore my working with children. For a time, I wasn’t working with children as I had once in the past. Two were gone, another was part time and my consistent one of whom remained was needed in a new capacity at home for a while. One Sunday I came in and all four of my lil joys were back. That restored a light within my soul of my kingdom purpose with working with the children. I missed them so much and God restored them as my Pastor had told me He would right after the shift happened.

In my own spiritual journey in the last month, God has been working hard on humbling me. Getting me out of a state of Pride and knowing I need Him with every breathe, every step, every decision cause doing it on my own is my own self-will. To surrender my will to Gods will it takes a humbling of a person and in June God broke a level off of me that was strongly needed.

The new places God wants to take me in him required some death to the old things my soul (mind, will, and emotions) had clung to for all my life. Everything God has for me is within my spirit as that is where I invited His spirit to reside within me and overtime that newness will shine forth through my vessel (body) in my character, morals, and integrity.

In the days ahead I am longing that this Pandemic lets up! So we can have a sense of normalcy return. My prayer is that everyone stay safe as possible and take care of your mental health during all this! I have battled depression off and on during this crisis. The people of whom love and support me check on me and pray me through. Find your soul tribe like I have, they will be with you through dark and light, good and bad, broke and prosperous. Real people are true and genuine beyond things that can and will often change.

Thank you for taking time to catchup with me by reading my blog or stopping in to see the photos. 🌺

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🌺Cynthia🌺

Be of Good Cheer

These are times where great faith is needful!

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
‭‭John‬ ‭16:33‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I sit here in the silence, asking God what is the message for me and the blog I write once a week? No sooner I asked, and got silent within, I heard “be of good cheer!”

The great Abba Father that He is sent a message into my spirit one of comfort to reinforce peace in my life. The event of this week have been a major pull on my logic and emotions! I even confessed to my spiritual leader in the faith that I felt myself slipping into a depressive state. She encouraged me with words of comfort and wisdom as she always does.

“When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:19‬ ‭NASB‬‬

I got home and had to force my way into worship, I forced my way into looking at the word to renew as I was only in the early state of emotional slipping before emotions fully intoxicated me and I was very unrenewed.

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Even as of yesterday, I had to plant myself before the word and remain in it, I got home to cook dinner for my father and freely worshipped, prayed in my heavenly language and then began to feel peace as small as a pebble.

The message I received of “be of good cheer” was a timely one. God knows that in these uncertain times it is faith that will pull us through. Faith isnt a ticket out of tribulation, faith is a hope through dire times. As things continually are getting shut down, enforcement to remain home becomes more essential, that our health and lively hoods are being greatly effected.

As of today more nonessential places are forced to close at 5pm for two weeks. People that have non essential jobs are out of work. Others that have employment that are essential are still allowed to work at this time as more and more cases of confirmed COVID-19 are coming out. Many are now instituting curfews to help condense the probability of spreading this virus! May Hod be with us all during this!

This is the virus heard round the world at this point! By faith we will make it!

By faith anchor in truth of the Word of God!

“For men swear by one greater than themselves, and with them an oath given as confirmation is an end of every dispute. In the same way God, desiring even more to show to the heirs of the promise the unchangeableness of His purpose, interposed with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us. This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil,”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭6:16-19‬ ‭NASB‬‬

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Keep on Walking

Be watchful of the traps people set for you on your path of life!

“Establish my footsteps in Your word…”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭119:133‬ ‭NASB‬‬

When your in a season of growth and development, many want to come along and hinder that growth!

When your trying as hard as you can to change in areas that need to be changed in to only be told things that only cause you depression, the notion to give up, walk away from God, walk away from the church and spiritual family… those are things I have had to learn to become aware of and take a stand up against. Many see it as being combative and it is, but when you are run down you have every right to defend yourself!

But the moment you do that you become the bad guy, your messing with a call on someones life, your twisted, sick, immature and how you are is unacceptable. Never mind what they did, said or how they took the situation and said things that were hurtful. So yes, I in-turn unleashed hurtful things as a retaliation.

The bible says turn the other cheek, but baby I can assure you that is hard for this one to do. I took hurtful, hateful words most all my life and I will not just take them anymore! You cause me pain, I will cause you pain in return!

Is that being petty?

Yes!

Is it mature?

No!

When your a wounded soul fight or flight is an automatic response mechanism! Will I justify what I have done to harm another? Already done that by blaming it on wounds and by retaliating because sore places within me are touched!

The only thing now to do is keep on walking! (Psalm 119:133)

Seek forgiveness from the Lord and plead mercy on the reaping that will take place from all thats been sown!

When your cover is blown seek the refuge of the shelter of the wings (Psalm 91).

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!” For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper And from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with His pinions, And under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark. You will not be afraid of the terror by night, Or of the arrow that flies by day; Of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, Or of the destruction that lays waste at noon. A thousand may fall at your side And ten thousand at your right hand, But it shall not approach you. You will only look on with your eyes And see the recompense of the wicked. For you have made the LORD, my refuge, Even the Most High, your dwelling place. No evil will befall you, Nor will any plague come near your tent. For He will give His angels charge concerning you, To guard you in all your ways. They will bear you up in their hands, That you do not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and cobra, The young lion and the serpent you will trample down. “Because he has loved Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him securely on high, because he has known My name. He will call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With a long life I will satisfy him And let him see My salvation.””
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭91:1-16‬ ‭NASB
‬‬

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Cynthia 💞

Am I as lonely as I feel?

~Wounded Soul~

As I was listening to an amazing teaching moment yesterday on (linked if you want to watch) Relationships Part 1 By Juanita Gibbs Focusing on Rejection and this information resonated with me deeply.

I have a deep wound of rejection! This wound is a scar on my soul (mind, will, and emotions) that needs to be healed. She spoke on how these things can surface in deeply intimate “ships” (friendships/marriages/families).

In taking time of reflection of the current trial I am in as of last week, that wounded soul showed out! By showed out it walked in offense, it was sarcastic, rude, disrespectful, ill-tempered, angry, depressed, and emotionally distraught! That soul is mine that I am referring to and it saddens me to even know that ugly part of me is me.

But… in saying that, its in knowing my truth, that I can walk toward freedom. That freedom will only come by truth and the word of God!

In my trial my soul wanted to amplify my situation and show me ONLY how alone I was with all that stacked against me. But my soul was in full on emotional tsunami within me! So, I wasn’t sober in thinking, I wasn’t sober in interactions with others, and I sure wasn’t sober in decision making!

Now, before I go on, I want to clarify something… sobriety isn’t just from alcohol! Sobriety is a clearness and not being affected by something. I was highly effected by my emotions and the surge of them made me emotionally intoxicated!

Yes, this is a real thing! Haven’t you noticed when you breakup the emotional surge you have, its the same just in my case wasn’t in the relationship context, but in circumstances context.

However, in all my trial last week, even though my emotions wanted me to feel alone. Thus the rise of the rejection and abandonment issues I have within, I wasn’t really fully alone. I had two amazing people show up and out to help me above and beyond.

When anyone else I had asked for help from turned me down or was unable to assist. Which, my issue that arose isn’t from them, its from my core issue within that got touched and now that I see it, it needs to be healed.

Needless to say last week I failed the test and allowed my self to walk away from the spirit, almost giving up on God, and turning my back on my spiritual family that has been there for me the most. All because of my intoxicated emotions.

This morning, the test has re-surfaced. For it to be so close, back to back it got my attention. Like God is saying get this test passed now before the next level comes. I’m close to the brink of something in the spirit and I have got to pass this test.

On my way in to work about half way my journey, I heard a roaring and I pulled over to find a flat tire. I eventually worked my way out of the median and onto the side of the road where it would be somewhat safer. I turned my hazard lights on and reached out to the only folks that I knew could help me in any way. As I sat there in communication with them, I noticed a truck pull up behind me. Someone actually stopped to help me with my flat tire. I had a spare, he had the jack and tools and everything to get me back on the road, I was so grateful.

After I had gotten back on the road and almost to my destination, I heard that same familiar voice within, now you got this repair, and you haven’t even gotten the other one repaired. I had to stop the player inside and focus on faith! By God is was hard when I felt the pull to just sink into depression and flesh again so hard that the war is always within ourself! Outside circumstances just bring whats inside going on to the forefront.

It is my hope that as I share my struggles and what I am going through to change me is an encouragement to others. That if I can change, so can you! Its a journey, be patient with yourself and take one step at a time.

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Much Encouragement & Love

Cynthia 💞

Storms of Life

What happens when my anchor gets pulled up!

This past Sunday, I will admit my anchor was uprooted and moved due to what my emotions have taken on as a violent storm in my world.

In my usual preparation for the day it went normal, until the moment I got in my vehicle and went up out of my parking spot and to the stop sign to enter the main road. It was at that moment my vehicle decided it wasn’t going to shift and continue going forward.

There I was a woman, terrified, vulnerable, sitting half in traffic, being honked at as if I didn’t know I was in the way. I wanted to fully break down in that moment.

I sat there going from drive to reverse many times and not moving an inch. Waving cars around me to go on while my hazards flashed feeling very helpless. I took out my phone and texted the only person that I could that one would look for me on Sunday and two the only one that has ever moved to help me in the past.

She asked some questions to get her husband on the scene as he is an amazing mechanic. Eventually as I still sat there a car came up in my conversing with my potential help. To push me out of the road of oncoming traffic while I continued to attempt to get help.

As I sat there the lady I reached out to told me her husband prepared to come and assist me in any way he could, and if he was unsuccessful he could bring me to church. The guy who pushed me out the road stopped and asked where I lived and I told him just behind where I was sitting.

He went to get a helper and they both came and pushed my vehicle to a point where it could roll down the hill and get me close to my home. Needless to say this moment became funny to them. I will explain why…

So, my vehicle in neutral being pushed back a ways so it can roll down hill, then it was all up to me driving backwards to get it close to my home. So my vehicle is a large SUV and me being a woman I guess they assumed I may not handle driving backwards very well. I got drove that rig backwards down hill. Turned without hesitation to the right into the area of parking then a left to get me close to a parking slot.

The guys came to see where I ended up and they were laughing so hard. They said ma’am, where did you learn how to drive like that, we was shocked you could whip that rig like you did! I must say some of that is probably coming from my country living upbringing and my love for like go-carts and things. They got a good laugh and I got my truck home and in a parking slot.

Then from there I went to church and was wonderfully brought back home by the lady’s husband to only begin to find help, a mechanic, someone who knows anything about vehicles. At every turn I was told no I cannot come to you, no I cannot help you, one even told me worse case scenario and two ran with the notion.

Needless to say I crawled in bed feeling very very helpless and allowed depression to begin to come and wrap its arms tightly around me. The lady kindly reached out and asked if she could take me to the store. I didn’t have brain space to handle getting a few odds and ends, let alone continue to be turned down in the help department. Time passed and I remained thinking and thinking and then emotions engage cause they want to support every thought. Depression, anxiety, a way out are all things that came about in this one day.

Monday came, boy did it ever! I wanted to just wallow in my emotions and just sink into the dark abyss my soul (mind, will, and emotions) were creating for me to live in. The lady reached out again to take me to the store, I honestly wanted to sulk and sink deeper, but she was being used to extend a had to snatch me back out of that dark abyss.

Even since Monday I have not been fully myself. My mind is far over crowded with what steps I need to take, calls I need to make, funds I need to have that I just don’t at this moment, until it all can be figured out and evaluated.

Now my luck is dealing with todays snow fall, that delays every move I need to make. I am so anxious and depressed that my meds are only minimally helping. The battle of the soul is a hard one. With the content I am beginning to put together to publish, I can only gather this is my testing to see if I will live out what I put out into the world.

It is so beyond hard to not be swayed and moved emotionally to the point I can firmly say no, I have firm faith in this area and stand in the word. If I was better able to do that my anchor wouldn’t have been pulled up and moved. But it has now, so the only thing I can do now is work my way back to some level of inward stability.

Thank you all for reading my content! Please feel free to leave a comment 💞

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Cynthia Gunn 💝

Personal Acceptance

Discovering How Fearfully & Wonderfully Made I Am!

The subtitle of this blog is one that is near and dear to me, as it is the subtitle to my book Beauty from Ashes that is available on amazon.com. See link below the image to shop!

I am a woman that has battled personal acceptance, low self-esteem, low self-worth, lack of self-care, and having an over all bad view of myself. It was a pivotal turning point in March 2016 when on a trip it was brought to my attention just how negative I spoke about myself. I, in myself had no self awareness of the fact that I was so deeply negative I was inwardly.

Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flows the springd of life.”

Proverbs 4:23 AMP

Every word from my lips dripped with disdain of life, existence, purpose and destiny. It revealed a bitterness of heart due to roots of lack of self-acceptance and self-love! I was asked at that time, why was I like I was. My answer outright was “what does it really matter” in a sarcastic tone. That no matter what I did or do it never made any difference.

It was then that grace and patience with understanding and compassion were extended to me to help begin to uproot bad things and cultivate a new way of being. This work has been ongoing and will continue as it is needful in becoming a better woman for life!

Your thoughts create your reality!

~Juanita Gibbs

40 Day Detox of Negative Thinking

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She began working with me in the key fundamentals of personal care, life care, home care, developing a healthier interior, then working on my self esteem and self love. Others in the past that may have tried to assist me didn’t extent long periods of grace to help me grow and develop the way my counselor has in these last three years.

It has taken this long to grow even a lil sprout of self-acceptance. I have made progress in being more positive and speaking with hope. Being I would pick apart everything about me from my looks, my weight, my hair color, and more. It was when I realized that I am running down Gods creation that I have had to work through that.

I have been walking through a phase of discovering who I am, learning how I am made and slowly embracing the facts and truths about me, then learning what I need to do to work on becoming a better woman. Its not been easy for me and it wont be easy to continue to change and grow.

Growth is pain!

Development is a journey!

But, what I can say is that no matter how offended I may get at the truth, I need it. No matter how sensitive I am emotionally, I need tough love. Yes the wounds are there! Yes the strongholds are there! But, they are within my power to take them down within myself and get the healing I need deeper.

My encouragement to you is this: If me as stubborn as I am and can be can change, heal, and get delivered, then take this as a sign that you can too. It takes steps, falling down, getting back up, taking steps again and often falling and getting back up in a cycle to keep working to bring about change to your life as I am working to in mine.

Thank you for reading if you reaching this point leave me a comment below! 💝

Cynthia 💞

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Before I Became Content

In being single…

I have been very discontented in my life about the fact I was single. To be perfectly honest when I saw people posting of their relationships online I was secretly bitter inside with the fact they had someone and I didn’t. I harbored those bitter, resentful, and angry feelings for years and years.

But why did I have those feelings?
Cause secretly within me I was doing several things:
1) Comparing myself to the other woman
2) Judging why did they deserved that happiness.
3) Adding to wounds of low-self esteem and feeding my own insecurities.
This was especially the case if the guy I liked entered into a relationship with someone else that was not me. Actually, it was 10x worse in some cases…depends on how much I opened my heart up to the situation and allowed myself to think things that had no validity whatsoever.
I would in my mind entertain things:
  • He is talking to me, he must like me
  • He spends time with me, he must like me
  • He complimented me, he thinks I’m beautiful, he must like me
All those things are very juvenile and should be what a teenager deals with in crushes and things. Which revealed a place within me that needed maturing. When those things came into my life from the opposite sex, I was easily moved! If I am not careful, it can still a happen easily.
I have a core issue within me that was exposed that needs healing. That core issue was seeing myself as worthy and valuable enough to be in that position. This core issue has been getting worked on through counseling sessions, in-depth teaching from my Pastoral leadership in target areas that are vital to the health of my inner being in this area of life.
If I don’t mature and get healing then I will be keeping myself in a perpetual cycle of hurt. It was told to me once because of the tender state of my heart when I do love cause it can be deep, that I need to guard my heart better.

Through much hurt down the years I had to learn to guard and each time it happened I had to find the lesson, find the weak place, then work on strengthening those weaknesses. I am still working on these, I can honestly say that I can see I have grown in some level.
Here’s how I know growth has come. I had a “situation-ship” that spanned about 9 months, me and the guy talked every day, like three times a day. I was so stupidly excited thinking this may be the one, which it wasn’t, he was talking to other women all along and was never serious.
This whole thing sent me into a hard downward spiral to the point I was ready to kill myself in doing an overdose. I felt like I had given so much that it was tossed like tattered clothes when it happened. I eventually got over it and moved on in life.
To my latest now this one shew was a doozy, but it revealed some growth. A guy who frequented by my job for bout a month we talked, flirted, texted, this one was hot and heavy on the flirt scale. It eventually revealed itself that this one was married.
I was totally mixed emotions about the whole thing, but never once did I entertain end my life. I removed all contact with the guy as to not continue to have him emotionally cheating on his wife. I had to seek repentance for this as to make sure I don’t reap what I sow.

In the first situation I reveal, I had made everything of who I was based off of my acceptance from that man. It was a codependency that I had created that caused me to want to end it when it didn’t work out. In between situation one and two though, my counselor had told me that a man is an accessory.

Accessories add value, but don’t make the person. I make me no matter if I have a man or not and that has been something I needed to hear, but to also accept deeply. Which has been a catalyst to help me grow on a level from being immature and moved to mature and unmoved when a man comes or goes in my life.

Now to not be distracted I have laid aside the deep need and extreme want of having a relationship to press in closer to God genuinely and fulfill those things He wants me to do in the earth to leave an impact for His glory. Its a daily struggle, but it is one I am committed to lay aside until the right Man of God comes along into my life.

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭KJV‬‬

My book is available on Amazon

Thank you for reading! Leave a comment if this helped you in anyway! I love to hear your feed back 💞

Cynthia 🥰