πŸ‘„What you say matters!πŸ‘„

Words carry so much more power than we give them credit for.

Our words can either be life and blessings or death and curses. Its how we guard them as to what their impact will be once they have left our lips.

My words have often been negative and that has most definitley been death and cursing that has escaped my lips. The contents of my soul are damaged to the point of needing healing in areas.

The words I have taken in from hearing others speak of me for years has created its own dwelling place within me. So much so that when they come even in my current they go right on in as a welcomed guest. Then they begin to talk. They begin to say “you know they are right, you are what they said about you” or “its all your fault things don’t work out”.

Then from my mouth comes that same negative talk that has flowed for as long as I can recall. To have such a sensitivity in me that when things that seem bad are spoken of me that I dwell in the declaration of “your an aweful person” or “no wonder God isn’t moving on your behalf yoir jusy too messed up”.

Maybe I am the only one who battles this stuff. But, this is my fight that wages within me day in and day out. There are days when the battle is so wearing on me its like just give up its not working for you like it is others. Therefore, back up the already negative that has come that “no wonder God isn’t moving on your behalf”. Thus triggering states of depression and hopelessness.

I have to fight my way out of the box of that to get loosened from my chains.

Is it easy?

NO!

Is it possible to overcome?

Yes…

But, as long as I do the work to make my way out of it. Pastor tells us that scripture all the time faith with out works is dead. And it works vice versa also that works without faith is also dead.

I have to begin to stand and fight with faith. The fighting to get the old out is the work. So, I am just praying that over time I will be able to guard me better to shield from going into the depths of darkness to the brightness of light. To speak power words of faith over the old power words of death to my life.

~Cynthia

Tis the season

The most happiest time of the year can be really not so joyful for some!

DEPRESSION AWARENESS

The condition of Depression became so much more very real in my family in the December of 2014.

Depression was already in my home prior to 2014 goin back to 2007 truthfully, but not on this level. My Father was severly depressed in October that same year of 2014 he spent about a week or more in the hospital from severe bleeding ulcers that requires him to have clamps put on them and several blood transfusions.

When he came home after that, my father wasn’t the same man. He couldn’t return to work without collapsing, he then spent time at home and after spending most of his life working in the public that came to a screeching hault. So, like my mother’s carrer came to and aburupt stop, so did his.

They spent alot of time together at home as something neither of them was use to spending long extended amounts of time with each other alone since me and my sibling came along. So with them both spending time alone and both in a state of depression, that the condition took a turn in early December.

One day my mother calls me and my sibling also very frantic that my father opened all his pills and took them. She called is then called Emergency. They took him to the ER and evaluated him and asked what he took we had gathered the scattered pills and bottles as my mom, wheel chair bound rolled to knock them from his hand and being taken.

They kept him in the ER for hours and mt father wasn’t there. He knew my mom and my brother, but he didn’t know me. That was heartbreaking to hear from darkend cold eyes from the man responsible for you coming into the world that “no I dont know who you are”.

I left the room and cried and found someone to talk to to help begin to console me, it helped for only a little while then to go back in the ER section he still didnt know me it wasnt until b4 we were leaving that he came around that he knew me for 4 hours this went on.

To find out days later when he was in the ward for evaluation. That he got so depressed that he couldnt pay money back he had got on loan from someone and couldnt afford christmas gifts.

Please please I urge everyone to be a light this season. People battle things that we don’t know about. Let them know you care. Listen to them! Help them by lightening the burden if you can. Don’t let depression keep taking lives or stealing joy!

Depression is so very real and is painful.

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No way?!?! Is it really?!?!

The final month of 2017! December already?!?! Where did the year go?

Well, this is the close out month of the year!

Let’s take it and walk the final section of this chapter toward greater things. Beginning to shake off and leave what needs to be left behind.

This year has been a year of unveiling, discovery, healing, adventure and so much more to come. In years past as this month would cycle around I would be seemingly be creating the tone gor the coming year with depressive tones of well nothing has changed so it continues to a spurn on more negativity, doubt, worry, and fears.

Where as this year, granted nothing has changed in some things. But, its all prepartory and purpose minded. Gods thoughts are higher than my thoughts, as well as, His ways are higher than mine. As I meditate on that thought the things I use to let come in like a flood seem at bay in the present moment, as if the flow is temporarily restrained.

As my pastor has been teaching us at my home church of Reformation Developmental Center that the more word I implant inside my heart and mind the more the old has to go. The more the old goes and the new come I cam begin to be healed in my soul.

This coming year of 2018 I am believing for greater things than I ever have before using actual faith. Pastor posted not long ago to dream big. So I pulled out a book I started back in early 2016 and added some things I am believing God to produce in my life. She also taught us that faith without works is dead, as well as work without faith is dead.

So in the coming month I am hoping that I can practice using the tools that my Pastor has beem teaching me to continue to overcome somethings. The work is mine to do as we are already graced to do the work. Its just now time to roll up the sleeves and get dirty with removing the old and implanting the new.

December may you be a propulion month that helps be a catapulted to take me to the next place by faith in the coming time to be.

~Love Life~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Out of Control!!!

What I have allowed has gotten way out of hand!

The issues that keep spurning to the surface reveal that I have allowed myself to stay in them for too long.

When hurt, disappoint have come instead of thanking God and allowing Him to redirect my path. I allowed myself to assume the full impact of whatever came. He guides and directs my path, but inwardly I chose a different route one filled with pain over determination to find Gods will for me.

Some time ago, it may have been Sunday, not fully for sure, but Pastor was discussing Psalms and as I was listening, the Lord began to span across Davids life within my spirit showing me that he too endured rejection. As Pastor related to us David quite often referred to the issues of his soul in the book of Psalms.

For the ransom of his soul is too costly, And he should cease trying forever–
PSALM 49:8 AMP

He never let rejection hold him back, infact I believe he used that rejection as a way to dig down into God and use that as a fuel for determination.

How I have cried out about the contents of my soul all the hurt, pain, rejection that has inturn spurned comparison, envy, acceptance, depression issues that are wide open doors for the enemy to walk through at every turn.

To begin to close those doors I must practice taking in deep the truth from the word of God as I continue to spill out the toxins of all that my soul contains.

Like David wrote out his torment, I too can journal, pray, worship until the release of the pain becomes where I can input new of the good inside. I can practoce meditating on good things to make them apart of the new person as a believer we can be transformed to be as I allow my process.

Blogging also helps me remove toxins, of course, this is a more public way, but it is to perhaps encourage others that as we do the work we can begin to overcome, be healed and live life more by faith.

This is how I can get my out of control thoughts and emotions that are contrary to truth to begin to regain control and bring them under the subjection of Christ and the word.

~Love Life~ Live Life ~😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Love Affair Pt 1

Sounds scandalous right!!

The love affair I am beginning is well loving myself.

I have been on a journey of self discovery for a few months now. Its been a journey to say the least. Even my writing these blogs have helped me discover hidden parts of me.

But, in actuality the self discovery began with my church teaching us about self deception, knowing our truth, loving our truth no matter what it looks like. It was this that really began to set this all in motion.

I am learning to love myself beyond all the issues in my soul that has surfaced the abandonment, rejection, comparison, acceptance, fear, doubt, worry, anxiety and depression.

Learning to work through those issues to come to a level of healing. Learning that those issues don’t define me they are part of me but they will be learned of to take control of and manage them. Learning that just because I have issues is no reason to reject myself as I have been doing.

Everyone has issues of some kind I have also learned. Like me they hide the real you, they hide the issue, hide that all is perfect and well. But, when the real test comes thats when the guard is let down and the issues are revealed. Least thats how it has been for me, the test would come and show where I was at.

I am also learning that my love has limits as to why when I see I have issues I reject even myself. This is when the fruit of the spirit of love has had to come in the more. To pull on Gods eternal love for me.

To know even in my mess God still extends grace and mercy to me to work on my short comings and be healed amd walk free from them and to help others like me at some point overcome.

Will I ever be fully free from my issues? Maybe in level as healing happens. Other issues within will require management on my part.

May I keep walking this journey day by day to love myself knowing by Faith God does no matter what.

~Love Life~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Bad Friendship!

Rejection and fear have a friendship that work together in unity in a wounded soul.

When rejection happens many times over it brings damage to the soul. The soul begins to find ways to heal, but if not being healed with good methods then it adds to the wounding creating a scar within. Least thats how it has been in my life.

Wounds of rejection would happen and my healing method was to let fear come in and protect me. Fear soothed the wound that if I never get close to anyone again then the pain wouldn’t come again by another rejection. But what happened when another cane along into my life?

Well…

They would come and over time yup I let the next one right on into my heart. What happened next was any sign that they were rejecting me I would begin to close off as I was being deemed unacceptable to them. I would wall up and push them away to save the fragile pieces of my heart as best I could from fear of it happening again.

Once wounding began to create other ways of wounding myself within my soul. It was so strong the fear and rejection that I began to shut out good people that God had placed in my life making time with me very difficult. Difficult to the place that I began to expect them to leave me.

But that all stemed from fear and rejection of the past. When they have reinforced to me they are God sent and yes its proven that they are that I still fear the most that people will leave me.

I am told that faith and fear work similar just with different results. The very things I have feared that people would continually come and go has happened. But, I can only manage myself, if something about me is rejected and they want to leave then thats their reasons.

I just have to manage myself with overcoming the fear and rejection issue to not push people away and guard my heart to not take people into my heart so quickly or easily. I need to slow down allow time on the scene and let things be proven.

When God sends me people with a heart after his, yes they may judge and show concern, but also accept that they too have issues and we all are working to overcome and accept each other on our faith journey in life.

~Love Life ~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Walls of comfort!!

Depression can construst walls within!

I have written about depression before, but wanted to bring it up again in relation to walling up on the inside.

What is depression? Depression is defined as a self doubt. I have post in prior blogs about my comparison, acceptance, abandonment and rejection issues and all these issues have a layer of self doubt contained within them.

All these factors working hand in hand create a vacancy for depression to live in my soul. When you feel rejected by the world and then reject yourself that is a whole lot of self doubt. It sometimes reaches a place of why continue to battle the endless cyclea that it is instead of keep repeating things over and over again.

So, to combat depression the other issues have to be tackled as they are deeply rooted issues. What is the opposite of self doubt? Self confidence!! Even that is hard to find after a lifetime of hurt/pain and wounds.

Walls are built in a defense to keep from going through the same hurt little to know that the same gap that created the hurt was never closed. I built walls within to keep from getting hurt and to keep from letting too much of me out to anyone else when they got close. I could retreat behind the walls and feel safe and secure.

Self confidence is even temporary as it is based off of temporal things I have found to be shown to me. To find lasting and satisfying self confidence it has to come from the ultimate source of God the Father. Not to be moved when others accept or dont accept you for who you really are.

The only way to keep overcome is to keep renewing in truth as Pastor teaches us at church. I have to know deeply that I am accepted, loved and pursued by the King of Kings and let nothing and no one of this world move me from that position.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Depression

Why have we become so ashamed of something that is so common amongst many today?

Depression began to be known in my home back in 2007. It was during the time after my mom suffered a massive stroke that this word of “Depression” made itself known to us.

She suffered her stroke and her depression was dark and emotional. She would have times of crying at the drop of a hat from what seemed like nothing really to cry over. Her doctors told us that the stroke may have impared that part of her brain. So from them on her depression began to be treated on meds.

Later as time went on and her depression was treated another level of depression showed up in 2010 in myself. I battle depression even to this day on a level that I try hard to maintain a level of sanity to keep from drowning in the darkness.

Even as events and things in my life began to change the depression didnt go away. It was like a comfort that you really didnt want comfort from. I am not taking any med to treat the depression that sometimes creeps up in me I try hard to lean on my faith to see me through those spots.

A few more years passed and at the end of 2014 yet another level of depression hit our home in my Father. His was I have to say the darkest yet. He had sucidial ideations in the beginning and as he got treatment He had some conspiracy theory type voices in his mind telling him things to harm others or himself. His depression was from chemical imbalance.

So, with three in one home having some level of depression and the heavy darkness that looms it was in my Fathers depressive episodes that I came to a place that I didnt want to have that kind of low.

I had to begin to face depression and what it really was. A condition many have or deal with on a level everyday.

In the beginning there was much shame of talking about depression as it was almost taboo to talk about. Over time and me opening up about it some even asked for advice when they saw a family member may need some help.

But, why is depression such a shameful condition? It is very real condition especially once it shows up in your life or family. If your depressed even on a small level at times seek help, talk to someone a trusted friend, counselor, pastor to get help for this condition.

#depression #seekhelp #talk

#condition

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

~ Love Life ~ Live Life ~