What you read in this blog not many know this dark part of my life…
There was a period of time probably about in 2016 that I hit rock bottom internally. I began resorting to find ways to cope, ways to numb the pain. Ways to suppress and/or ways to keep so busy that I had no time to think or feel.
One day I recalled I had some high dose pain killers, and granted the pain I was in didn’t cause me physical pain, but it did mentally and emotionally. So, I took one, boy did it do the trick! It took me to where i was so sedated I knew nothing, my mind slowed down and became wrapped up in a cloud of nothingness.
Finally, the answer I had been looking for!I would partake on occasion to just not feel any more! When someone in the family had a procedure, there stash conveniently became mine after they didn’t need them any longer. It got to a point of when on them, I would have like hangover symptoms and feel terrible! My body was letting me know enough was enough!
I eventually sought medical help for my anxiety as to why some of these things I was battling were so extreme. They put me on some anxiety meds and they have helped.
So I stopped taking those prescription pain killers. When my anxiety meds seemed to not even touch all the edgy ways I was experiencing, to continue to find ways of coping, I ran to cigarettes and alcohol for solace! Those like any other are temporary fixes to an inner issue that I need to deal with. I have walked away yet again from cigarettes, and have limited my time of alcohol consumption. I haven’t reached the point of addiction with them, so it is best they get dealt with now.
I had some amazing help in getting me to where I am now, as things change, I have to choose to continue to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking toward inner healing. I look forward to continuing to grow away from destructive behaviors.
Beauty from Ashes: Discovering How Fearfully and Wonderfully Made I Am!
Cynthia Gunn 💝