Before I Became Content

In being single…

I have been very discontented in my life about the fact I was single. To be perfectly honest when I saw people posting of their relationships online I was secretly bitter inside with the fact they had someone and I didn’t. I harbored those bitter, resentful, and angry feelings for years and years.

But why did I have those feelings?
Cause secretly within me I was doing several things:
1) Comparing myself to the other woman
2) Judging why did they deserved that happiness.
3) Adding to wounds of low-self esteem and feeding my own insecurities.
This was especially the case if the guy I liked entered into a relationship with someone else that was not me. Actually, it was 10x worse in some cases…depends on how much I opened my heart up to the situation and allowed myself to think things that had no validity whatsoever.
I would in my mind entertain things:
  • He is talking to me, he must like me
  • He spends time with me, he must like me
  • He complimented me, he thinks I’m beautiful, he must like me
All those things are very juvenile and should be what a teenager deals with in crushes and things. Which revealed a place within me that needed maturing. When those things came into my life from the opposite sex, I was easily moved! If I am not careful, it can still a happen easily.
I have a core issue within me that was exposed that needs healing. That core issue was seeing myself as worthy and valuable enough to be in that position. This core issue has been getting worked on through counseling sessions, in-depth teaching from my Pastoral leadership in target areas that are vital to the health of my inner being in this area of life.
If I don’t mature and get healing then I will be keeping myself in a perpetual cycle of hurt. It was told to me once because of the tender state of my heart when I do love cause it can be deep, that I need to guard my heart better.

Through much hurt down the years I had to learn to guard and each time it happened I had to find the lesson, find the weak place, then work on strengthening those weaknesses. I am still working on these, I can honestly say that I can see I have grown in some level.
Here’s how I know growth has come. I had a “situation-ship” that spanned about 9 months, me and the guy talked every day, like three times a day. I was so stupidly excited thinking this may be the one, which it wasn’t, he was talking to other women all along and was never serious.
This whole thing sent me into a hard downward spiral to the point I was ready to kill myself in doing an overdose. I felt like I had given so much that it was tossed like tattered clothes when it happened. I eventually got over it and moved on in life.
To my latest now this one shew was a doozy, but it revealed some growth. A guy who frequented by my job for bout a month we talked, flirted, texted, this one was hot and heavy on the flirt scale. It eventually revealed itself that this one was married.
I was totally mixed emotions about the whole thing, but never once did I entertain end my life. I removed all contact with the guy as to not continue to have him emotionally cheating on his wife. I had to seek repentance for this as to make sure I don’t reap what I sow.

In the first situation I reveal, I had made everything of who I was based off of my acceptance from that man. It was a codependency that I had created that caused me to want to end it when it didn’t work out. In between situation one and two though, my counselor had told me that a man is an accessory.

Accessories add value, but don’t make the person. I make me no matter if I have a man or not and that has been something I needed to hear, but to also accept deeply. Which has been a catalyst to help me grow on a level from being immature and moved to mature and unmoved when a man comes or goes in my life.

Now to not be distracted I have laid aside the deep need and extreme want of having a relationship to press in closer to God genuinely and fulfill those things He wants me to do in the earth to leave an impact for His glory. Its a daily struggle, but it is one I am committed to lay aside until the right Man of God comes along into my life.

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭KJV‬‬

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Thank you for reading! Leave a comment if this helped you in anyway! I love to hear your feed back 💞

Cynthia 🥰

👮Caught in the act!👮

Now I am under arrest!

Being detained in a holding cell with no where to go but the confinds of the small space!

Just kidding!

But it can be that same feeling in our minds by thinking, how we handle things, how much of our emotions dictate our moves. Those things can make us feel boxed in, with no where to go and no way to grow until someone comes to bail you out!

My bailbondsman came in the form of my Pastor. She has come with price paid in Jesus finished work of the cross, she is highly anointed to do His work to mature believers and break the barriers on thier life!

My life is beginning to show forth the signs of that very call upon her life! I am so greatful. As long as I implement the tools she shares, apply wisdom of the word to align myself with truth, the more my life will show forth Hos glory as it has begun.

My Pastor has showed me tools to use to become self aware. I am empowered and graced by God to grow in my mind. Say when I feel anxiety begin to creep in, as it usually likes to try to.

I have to be aware of it and when it comes I have to arrest anxiety. I have to detain it (2 Corinthians 10:5), find out why it began to creep in or the root cause, and put it in a holding sell (1 Peter 5:7).

The way to come out of it is by change and change comes in the mind deciding not to fall into the temptation to need to be arreseted in mind. (Romans 12:2 & Eph 4:23)

By not changing my ways of thinking and allowing my mind or my emotions to run me they cause in ways an arrested development to life.

They had kept me from growing and maturing properly in line with truth. As layer by layer gets exposed that needs to mature and grow in ways that line up with how God says to live they become unlocked from the bondage of immaturity and lack of development.

Is it easy?

No!

Just as in the world when a felon is released its not easy for them to not relapse and find themself in the same trouble all over again.

So, yes I fail and sometimes fail royally as it could mess things up with people or my gifts, call, talent and abilities the longer I let them run wild over arresting them and grow out of them ruling me.

I want to continue to progress to living the life God has promised us. One of peace, hope, love, etc. But, I have to do the work. God graced me with the power to do it. He won’t change us in our mind, we have to change us in mind.

Echo 🗣

With the highs come the lows!

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As we journey through life I have taken note of this concept that after a high emotionally charged event comes a low emotionally charged event.

Man has that proven ever so true what my Pastor has been teaching me that emotions are fickle and shift with the tides. To discover that yes I am at times a very emotionally moved person.

Monday I received some great news and by yesterday that great news emotion left the building to be replaced with a very different emotion to say the least.

From the top if the mountian in emotions to be progressing toward the valley in a matter of a day or so. No wonder Pastor tells us to remain sober as the Bible proclaims in 1 Peter 5:8.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a lion, seeking whom he may devour. 1 Peter 5:8 NKJV

Before the low came actually in the height of the great emotion she told me to pray and be sober. So, when the low came it wasn’t a complete upheaval from a once happy emotion to a not so happy emotion. Which has been known to progress in the past to a place of giving up due to a hard emotional shift.

This time I had listen to her and began to pray and seek the Lord to maintain a place of some sobriety while yes still enjoying the moment. So when the burst came it wasn’t a complete shock as she had told me some awesome suggestions to keep level so as to not sink.

My Pastor is amazing she imparts such great wisdom and insight into me and well all of us at my home church of Reformation Developmental Center that goes unrivaled from any others wisdom to date. Her wisdom from life, the word and working with others is supreme, plus the anointing she carries makes it all the more powerful.

Enjoying the emotions, but remaining sober is a solid way to begin to enjoy life properly.

~Love Life~Live Life~😍

~Cynthia 😉

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