Before I Became Content

In being single…

I have been very discontented in my life about the fact I was single. To be perfectly honest when I saw people posting of their relationships online I was secretly bitter inside with the fact they had someone and I didn’t. I harbored those bitter, resentful, and angry feelings for years and years.

But why did I have those feelings?
Cause secretly within me I was doing several things:
1) Comparing myself to the other woman
2) Judging why did they deserved that happiness.
3) Adding to wounds of low-self esteem and feeding my own insecurities.
This was especially the case if the guy I liked entered into a relationship with someone else that was not me. Actually, it was 10x worse in some cases…depends on how much I opened my heart up to the situation and allowed myself to think things that had no validity whatsoever.
I would in my mind entertain things:
  • He is talking to me, he must like me
  • He spends time with me, he must like me
  • He complimented me, he thinks I’m beautiful, he must like me
All those things are very juvenile and should be what a teenager deals with in crushes and things. Which revealed a place within me that needed maturing. When those things came into my life from the opposite sex, I was easily moved! If I am not careful, it can still a happen easily.
I have a core issue within me that was exposed that needs healing. That core issue was seeing myself as worthy and valuable enough to be in that position. This core issue has been getting worked on through counseling sessions, in-depth teaching from my Pastoral leadership in target areas that are vital to the health of my inner being in this area of life.
If I don’t mature and get healing then I will be keeping myself in a perpetual cycle of hurt. It was told to me once because of the tender state of my heart when I do love cause it can be deep, that I need to guard my heart better.

Through much hurt down the years I had to learn to guard and each time it happened I had to find the lesson, find the weak place, then work on strengthening those weaknesses. I am still working on these, I can honestly say that I can see I have grown in some level.
Here’s how I know growth has come. I had a “situation-ship” that spanned about 9 months, me and the guy talked every day, like three times a day. I was so stupidly excited thinking this may be the one, which it wasn’t, he was talking to other women all along and was never serious.
This whole thing sent me into a hard downward spiral to the point I was ready to kill myself in doing an overdose. I felt like I had given so much that it was tossed like tattered clothes when it happened. I eventually got over it and moved on in life.
To my latest now this one shew was a doozy, but it revealed some growth. A guy who frequented by my job for bout a month we talked, flirted, texted, this one was hot and heavy on the flirt scale. It eventually revealed itself that this one was married.
I was totally mixed emotions about the whole thing, but never once did I entertain end my life. I removed all contact with the guy as to not continue to have him emotionally cheating on his wife. I had to seek repentance for this as to make sure I don’t reap what I sow.

In the first situation I reveal, I had made everything of who I was based off of my acceptance from that man. It was a codependency that I had created that caused me to want to end it when it didn’t work out. In between situation one and two though, my counselor had told me that a man is an accessory.

Accessories add value, but don’t make the person. I make me no matter if I have a man or not and that has been something I needed to hear, but to also accept deeply. Which has been a catalyst to help me grow on a level from being immature and moved to mature and unmoved when a man comes or goes in my life.

Now to not be distracted I have laid aside the deep need and extreme want of having a relationship to press in closer to God genuinely and fulfill those things He wants me to do in the earth to leave an impact for His glory. Its a daily struggle, but it is one I am committed to lay aside until the right Man of God comes along into my life.

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭KJV‬‬

My book is available on Amazon

Thank you for reading! Leave a comment if this helped you in anyway! I love to hear your feed back 💞

Cynthia 🥰

The Real Darkness Within

A part of my life most aren’t aware of…

#trigger warning if any talk of suicide can trigger you please skip this post#

From the time I was 3yrs old I was place on the suicide watch list! At the age of 3, I got into my grandmothers pills. Im not aware and they didn’t know at the time if i had taken her pills or not. But, I was to be watched!

As life has went on suicide crosses my mind often! Just to be real!

I recall once that I cut my wrists and the effects didn’t have my desired result so I just hid the scars til they healed, then no one would ever know. (Teen years)

In my 20s it was still just as prevalent. I would pour all the high powered pills I had in a glass and was ready to down them! But, people prayed, talked me down to deal with the real issue. People loved me enough to help!

In my 30s this thing still comes to mind. Even my latest attempt last year didn’t have the desired result I had hoped for. I took several Naproxen Sodium pills them downed them with a big glass of wine. Settled in to cross over to only wake up many hours later sick, but not finding the end!

What had to happen was me entering a counsel/therapy to deal with my inner darkness to get help, healing, recovery, and tools to combat this with!

My therapist walks me through different stages of things to help bring healing snd deliverance to my soul. Her last session with me encouraged me to press into knowing my worth! That has been helping me tremendously. I have had to do work to know my worth even on a small scale!

I so have appreciated my therapist and look forward to getting back to having sessions again! They are needful for me to keep growing and walking toward my destiny!

If you battle anything like this please seek help! Help is available! Don’t allow the darkness to win!

Love

Cynthia

My book Beauty From Ashes

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Who am I?

Have we not stopped and pondered the big life questions from time to time?

I know I have and often if not careful and send myself into a tail spin just mulling those huge questions over and over and over!

I haven’t blogged in a while as I stopped to get my book out, which is now available on amazon.com, even now that it is out the big questions come even more.

Does your message have any impact?

Is what you hoped your writing to be is it that?

What makes your story special?

Well, I had to come to this conclusion. My story has a set audience and those meant to find it will and it will greatly impact thier life!

My book and my story is multifaceted and not just one target area of change in my physical, but also a change in my spiritual.

I have had to dig down deep and pull from the roots of faith to realize I am a daughter of destiny and purpose. The process and journey that I am on is preordained and its up to me by faith to walk it out!

I tell you what though, leaps of faith are scary at times! I chose to put my story out there for the world that was a big leap for me! As I sat there finilizing everything and the button of “click to publish” was waiting to be pressed I had a moment of doubt flood me. I reached out to my life coach and asked should I really press this button?

Withour any hesitation at all she said ro me yes you should! I sat on edge for a few days waiting for it to come back approved for publish and available online! When it did go live it was one of the most joyful, tearfilled times of my life!

With that one successfully completed I have begun to work on my next book. I look forward to one day hearing the impact my writings have had on people.

Cynthia 💝

👣TAKE THE STEP! 👣

What happens when we step out in faith?

Fear often holds us back from taking steps of faith. I can attest to this more often then not honestly. Fear of what others think, what would they say about me, what will my image be in this?

Fear keeps us in a place of no movement. We become so fixated by fear we are paralyzed to the point that if one move is rationalized then a hoard of fear rises us to speak defeat. They rise up so strong and so loud within we crumble under them.

And He said, “Come!” And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
Matthew 14:29 NASB

Overcoming fear allows you the freedom and confidence to begin to take steps out of the norm and do new things God has been calling you to all along. God has been waiting for steps to be taken by you or I to show to him utter dependance and trust in He who is our everything.

The first step is the hardest to take but the most liberating. God didn’t hive us a spirit of fear ( 2 Tim 1:7). God wants us to be confident children in who we are in Him we were predestined as His children (Eph 1:5) and Gods children should be free from fear as fear is of the world and not the kingdom of God.

Take baby steps til your confident to take bigger steps in faith. The steps you take draw you from the boat of normality and into the place where God can begin to do supernatural things in and through your life.

Fear is a liar and of the enemy!

Learn to rise above the lies!

Learn of your position in the kingdom!

Seek councel and wisdom from others who can help you properly.

Find community of like believers to plug into and connect with for accountability.

Be encouraged today that no fear has a place in Gods children and He has out in is the power to overcome.

~Cynthia 😍

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His Strength Can Help You

When fear creeps in look to God.

There have been numerous times fear has come into my life and took its grip on me. So much so, in areas of life I was paralyzed in moving forward in.

Fear can be a dibiliating faction in a life if it is left undealt with. Much of my life has been lived out of a place of fear over faith and trust.

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10 NASB

When it was made aware to be through councel that I wasn’t living or acting by faith and it was through fear I was presented the choice to make the change to either remain living in fear or begin to trust and live by faith.

Pastor often reminded me of 2 Corinthians 5:7 where Gods word proclaims that we are to live by faith and not by sight.

This one was baffaling to a mind that had constantly tried to figure everything out, to want to know what God will do next, to over plan and prepare to the point of never living in the moment.

The more I learned to let go and have faith its slowly set freedom from planning, stressing, over preparing to the point of not living in now, and worry. That I can and have been finding the now moments are where it matters.

That now knowing God is in control and I have nothing to worry about if I fully beleive Him at His word and name sake. God is not a God that should lie, he takes every thing that happens to us in life to use if for the good.

He knows us and its up to us to get to know Him. He wants that desire in us to develop a close personal relationship with Him so we can look to Him in all things, be our strength in times of weakness and help bring peace to us during any anxious situation.

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~Cynthia 😍

Strength of my Heart

When my heart fails…

I never fully realized how much I relied on myself and not God to get through difficult situations. I was very much a self-reliant person and not a faith-filled person.

It wasn’t until coming to Reformation Developmental Center that the teaching presented that I operated so much in my own strength, by my own will, and not having faith and trust in God where the means for Him to operate was evident.

It was this that brought me to a place of awareness that my soul (mind, will and emotions) were leading my life. That life was filled with doubt, fear, anxiety, depression because they lacked faith. Had my spirit been leading my life it would have been full of faith, hope, trust and full of Gods love.

My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the rock and strength of my heart and my portion forever.
PSALM 73:26 AMP

My Pastor Juanita Gibbs often said God was calling me to His word. That has been so much the truth cause in His word alone is where I can find strength when I feel weak, where as seeking it in my own strength only brought me to more stress and feeling faint.

Even in my outside reading none of those resourses could ultimatley provide what my soul desperatley needed and that was truth. Truth comes from the word of God. He is God who cannot lie and backs His every word!

The more and more that I turn toward God through Jesus and His word the more I find my soul anchoring against Him as a solid rock. Taking comfort that my soul cannot do any of the problem solving and submitting to the spirit saying be of faith and trust God to see me through it all. It is in this I find strength for my heart.

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~Cynthia 😍

Stubborn Heart

My heart has been stubborn!

In coming to join Reformation Developmental Center Pastored by Juanita Gibbs that I have come into an awareness that change begins on the inside first.

Chane happens from the inside out and not the outside in.

-Juanita Gibbs

I had to begin to work on changing some core inner issues and stop fighting against what Gods word says about things. My stubborn ways bucked, fought, kicked and screamed to prevent me from changing and remaining the way I was.

The way I was, was a pathway to nothingness honestly. Being full of doubt, fear, worry, anxiety, negativity are all things counter intuitive to God and He wont show up in anything less than faith!

Therefore, change your hearts and stop being stubborn.
Deuteronomy 10:16 NLT

In a way God spoke through my Pastor about I need a genuine change at the heart of me to change what I have going on outwardly around me, how I handle outside circumstances and not be moved so much out of faith in God.

The stubborn heart of mine that has baulked at changing has had to learn to come under submission to Gods word. I had/have to learn to cast down everything that comes up from within that is contrary to the word of God.

By using the word of God it attacks the barriers in my heart to knock them down. This is the only way to clear the field so to speak and make my heart free to take on the new of the truth of Gods word. The more I do this the stubbornness lesses to change my heart to bring about the genuine change in my life from the inside out.

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~Cynthia 😍

Faith fruit 🍓🍒

Faith is on display by our fruit!

A tree as it grows and grows it begins to bear fruit. Depending on the environment, soil, location will more than likely dictate what fruit a natural tree will bear.

If we look at this in the context of us as people being fruit bearing and trees planted by the waters (Psalm 1:3) we should bear fruit in season and out and all kinds of fruit.

But, sometimes we don’t bear much if any good fruit in the beginning of our faith as we still have much of the old nature still residing in our soul.

Our soul is our mind, will, and emotions. These parts of us do not get reborn at salvation. They have to go through a process of change to reflect the rebirth of our spirit.

Even so, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the unhealthy tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit.
MATTHEW 7:17‭-‬18 AMP

So, what has to happen is the pruning begins to take place as we journey into building our relationship with the Lord. The pruning happens to remove dead or useless parts to then bear more and better fruit.

He will begin to show you what you no longer need in your life and begin to clip at it so it can be removed from you.

Like for me He has been using my Pastor in my life to help clip depression, anxiety, worry, doubt, and fear from my life as they only have adverse benefits to my life.

They are counterintuitive to the life of faith and mush deminish and thankfully in her workings with me they have been. This way I can stop producing the fruit of those things in my life and begin to produce better more God resembling fruit.

In my unhealthy nature prior to coming to Reformation Developmental Center the contents of my soul and still living much in the old nature I was indeed bearing those bad fruits. An unhealthy tree cannot beat good fruit.

Pastor Juanita Gibbs took me under her care and began to help change the soil I was planted in, cultivate a new environment to begin to thrive in, as well as, help the buddings of good fruit begin to bear forth as the old branches got clipped away.

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~Cynthia 😍

Heart of Faith 💕🌱

What is planted on the inside is what grows!

At the heart of who we are as people, those core things that we are and walk in daily are seeds we spread in our every day life to ourself and to the environment around us.

To spread good we have to alter that which we are at the core of us. For me that has been removing what I can of negativity, doubt, fear, worry, anxiety, depression.

It will be a life long journey to do so, but I have been able with the coaching of my Pastor Juanita Gibbs been able to tackle a layer of it. Which I am eternally greatful for.

Without her love, guidance, acceptance and leadership in my life I am not sure where I would be. I know for sure without her I wouldn’t be blogging. These are my ways to spread good seeds out into the world.

I will establish your seed forever And build up your throne to all generations.” Selah.
Psalms 89:4 NASB

I want to continue to change me at the heart of me to carry good seeds of faith into the world. I want it to be prevalent in my relationships, in my writings and those I may only encounter breifly.

What I carry of faith inside of me will manifest around me, just as the negativity has manifest just in the opposite way. To continue to change I must make sure I am in continual submission to His word and this too will take work and be a life long journey.

But in time the consistent work of the beginning will become my first nature, over time, as in the beginning it is hard work and a 2nd nature initially as I had leaned too much on the old pattern/way of being.

We are seed carriers it is up to us to grow good seed to share that good seed around us. Just as any fruit bears seed if it came from a not so good string it may not last long, but if the fruit is nurtured and cared for and has a good start then it can produce mass goodness and be a long lasting seed bearing fruit.

That is what we are to be an everlasting/evergreen tree bearing fruit in season and out of season. That thus bores more fruit as the seeds inside fall to new ground and grow.

A heart and core center of good faith seeds can change your life and generations.

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~Cynthia 😍

Faith finds rest for your soul!

Faith through the word is our key to rest!

Is this easy to say? Yes, of course it is. But, what about actually tapping into the source and overcoming doubt, unbelief, worry, fear and anxiety.

Its been a journey and I am the furthest thing from having this thing perfected. Even as of yesterday I failed in areas and spent way too much time self abusing myself.

My Pastor can attest to this as she was with me to councel, bring wisdom and insight to areas that need dealing with within my soul.

I have got to be diligent about putting more of the word inside of me! She teaches us the Word of God is His voice and His mind that we are to put on. This is the only way that I can learn of Him is to study Him.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 11:29 NASB

Say if I was dating or interested in someone I would study them, find out what they like, what they don’t like. Learn through trial and error what makes them smile or laugh or what tickes them off. I have to be just so with God through His word. He is to be our first love.

The more I learn of Him, I am learning Gods character, His love, His voice, His way with me as it is my personal relationship with God. This helps me take on His yoke that is easy with lighter burdens, because He would have showed me how to handle it.

The more and more this is implemtented the more I find rest in my soul. Handling things on my own is messy, chaotic and frustrating. His way just sound way better. Sometimes too good to be true but with time and effort I see possible and my Pastor Juanita Gibbs is that example before me of this very concept.

So, may we all progress in the faith by pulling more and more from the Word of God to aide in resting our souls.

~Cynthia 😍