Happy 2021!!!

We are one week into 2021 and the spill over from 2020 continues…

This week alone has been set with history making atrocities that make Americans look so foolish, that it cannot go without saying “God help us all”!

The crap shoot of the unfolding of the political power struggle, the demonstration of mass unruliness, pointing fingers at who is to blame, all things in my opinion tactics to deflect from the real news of what isgoin on with COVID and these inoculations that they are fearfully insighting the American people to take blindly.

My latest youtube vid on it, please subscribe!

In my personal sphere work has been insane, needless to say when you work for an incredibly small independent mom and pop company and the financial pinch 2020 put everyone in, ownership has been tightening the reigns and demanding that us the employees do all within our capacity to collect debts. This in and of itself will make the people you interact with in face-to-face monthly hate you as ownership either demand money or we cannot carry the continuation of an exorbitant amount of debt on accounts. While they are sequestered in the sanctity of their dwelling for healthy and safety reasons during this COVID climate, they can easily say such things as they aren’t face-to-face with customers as I am. Who will be the one catching the flack, me!

In my even more personal sphere, my father that I am a caregiver for has had some ups and downs as of late and I am having to watch him carefully to see if there has been a change. At his 71 years of age and medical history I cannot take any chances with his mind going into his bipolar, schizophrenia state as he had in past years until the medication got him somewhat stable. He went down memory lane recounting how it would be my moms bday soon and how old she would have been(she passed in 2016), then he recounted his mothers bday coming up and how old she would have been(she passed in 2001).

Not even a day later he calls me in a frenzy upset the pharmacy wont refill his meds and how he needs them and they need his new insurance card and how its my fault they don’t have it, how its my responsibility to handle this and on and on and on. So, after about an hour and locating his new insurance card, calling the pharmacy I got it all tended to. Then I had to call and deal with a letter that came in the mail for him about setting up his colonoscopy and his COVID test to have the test fulfilled. He has had a hate for me since scheduling that exam for him. Now that packet of information has arrived and I have to now follow it to the letter to make sure this goes like its suppose to so we can find out why his test for why he needs this came back positive.

Having to do this alone has been daunting, but what else is to be expected this year I am not sure. I am praying God sends me a best friend to have someone to talk to in times like this cause some I am finding will blow you off quick as soon as you have met their need or want. I need someone true and that will be there with me to stand with me.

Happy trails folks in 2021, I am sure hoping by my next blog it will be cheerier!

Stop Running Yourself Down!

We can disect ourselfs to the point of nothingness!

Learning to put the puzzle of my personhood back together!

Body positivity is one of many things I struggle with. I have been endeavoiring to learn that my body is what I am in and accepting every facet of it. This can be a hard pill to swallow! Especially when you have spent many years running yourself down like I have!

I have allowed so much of the opinions of others, the world, and society as a whole to tell me I am not good enough of a woman cause I don’t meet a certain criteria!

One day I was talking to a friend of mine which I happen to admire her councel and wisdom so very much, I happened to mention I wished I was skinny and tan! She said to me so lovingly to not want that, but to embrace the woman that I am, while yes working on myself!

In that moment I stopped and was on complete awe of the words she spoke. They have been said to me before granted, but some how this time it hit my soul differently! It came in a time when I have been pressing into establishing within my internal foundation some key fundamental truths that I need to have that I missed growing up.

Its only been as of recent that pressing into accepting myself wholly is beginning to bring small degrees of healing. The pieces of myself that I constantly want to change are being embraced back into my personhood as a whole.

It’s as if I was humpty dumpty broken and could not get put back together again until a level if healing had come. The lines of the puzzle are become less and less evident and becoming less visible to my critical eye. This is all healing to accept my individuality!

Cynthia

~Beauty for Ashes

Heart to Heart

Having a friend that loves you enough to impart councel is the best thing in the world!

Not having many close personal relationships in my life has been well difficult. Many times because of how I am and was at times it was either too much or too boring.

I am very much an ambivert where I have periods of time its I crave being around people, then I hit spots of just needing time alone.

At point my extra out going ways spurned things like “why do you want to go out so much” or “why are you hiding away”. Which both either spurned me to either be more reclusive or more outgoing.

In coming to Reformation Developmental Center my Pastor has been a very dear councelor and friend to me. She has helped me to grow in interpersonal connection where most didn’t want to take the time to do that for one reason or a multitude.

Oil and perfume make the heart glad; So does the sweetness of a friend’s counsel that comes from the heart.
PROVERBS 27:9 AMP

Seeing that she loves, cares and wants to see me grow and become the woman God wants me to be has helped develop a place of trust to the point where that I see her councel as a sweet help that I need.

Where I once saw things as an attack I had to work on that. Most of my issue with that came from my family connections of being attacked and going into a defense mode. But, I didnt hold it against my family and went right back as if nothing happened.

Where as with anyone else It would become a major issue and a backing away and all this mess that just revealed a partiality within me.

When I came to understand her heart for me that it wasnt like some of my family sayin “I’m here for you” but when you need them they really weren’t.

When she says “I’m here if you need me” she really is there no matter what if I was broke down on the side of the road, up til 2am with issues or whatever its been she has been there.

The oil and perfume of a caring friends heart can be a soothing balm to an aching soul that desperatley yearned for interpersonal connection came to heal and make whole what once was battered and shaken.

A real friend will always tell you the truth!

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~Cynthia 😍

Take My Hand

Your only alone if you view your life as such!

Being a single I had battled for the longest time of being alone, remaining alone, ending up alone.

But the truth was and has remained I am never alone! Alone is just a feeling a feeling that is contrary to truth. When I am feel alone I can call out to the one close to me and that may be God at the moment or may be even my leader that loves and cares what we are going through and shows unending compassion for what we face.

When our feelings tell us we are alone we must find out why that feeling came up. Is it showing me some lack from my childhood, does it reveal an inner issue of lust, does it reveal a void that we try to fill with everything but God. It could be any of these things and more.

Its a work to feel the feeling, discover why and then begin to work to discharge the feeling and renew to a place where perspective can change. Reality can begin to be real and allow God, a leader, a Godly friend that exercises wisdom to come and take our hand in life, in the trial, in the battle to show you that your not as alone as you thought you were.

Well, that is how God has been working within me about it. In prior posts I have mention where I made Men idols and put them in my voids to replace God, but when God removed them it showed me where I was really at. That was in very desperate need of the God love to fill me up in my soul that no man could fill as humanity has limits without the power of God working inside the person.

Life knowing that I am not alone, will not end up alone has become such a lifted weight that enjoying life is well a joy. I am able to be content where I am knowing that with God and my God given leaders I am surely not alone.

~Love Life~Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Foundational Relationships

God given bonds of connection make the world of difference in a life!

All it takes is one God given person to change the entire outlook. All it takes is one to help heal wounds from broken relationships of the past. All it takes is one being used and filled with the Holy spirit that is able to walk unconditionally with you to encourage you on to the next phase.

Have I or am I that friend?

No not yet, but I am striving toward such as things become aware to me that need to grow or develop in.

Is it easy? It can be by not overthinking, stressing or getting all anxious which only causes paralyzation of oneself.

Depending on many factors its within us only that we make changes easy or hard. Pastor taught us sunday in a section of time about “be still” (Psalm 46:10). Beautifully ellaborated we are to be still in our inner processes of thinking. Not being still in the natural as in unmoving. No!

Her teaching and her leadership of me has been that one connection/relationship that I needed in my lofe to begin to turn my life around, grow out of things to begin to mature and able to handle better what life throws out at us and what we get from choices we make.

When someone takes set apart time to pour into you truth, wisdom and be loving and accepting of you then that is a treasured gift that only God could give.

Do you have someone like that in your life?

If not pray to God he send you someone. If you do thank God for what He gave you and ask Him like I am doing to help you to be a better friend in turn. Relationships/Friendships/Godly connectiond help us enjoy life.

~Love Life~Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Now that I have asked, now prepare!

We are to prepare for what we pray for!

In my time as it has been if singlehood it has provided me time to pray and seek the Lord and its a great time to spend with my Savior. Developing that true and lasting relationship with communication and worshipping his majesty, thanking him for his goodness, grace and mercy in thanksgiving. To study and delve into his guide book for all things concerning life to navigate the path here on the earth.

In times past though I hated continuing to remain single. It was as if my mind decided to name it a plague or something. But when God got hold of me through my wonderful Pastor Juanita Gibbs to show me in reality it is a blessing and a prepatory time was revolutuonary for me. It held begin to reshape my thinking on the whole thing.

Later, as time has gone on she has helped me tackle some wring stronhild thinking that I have had about it and to begin to bring healing to places from damage in my soul from my past, how I have lived this life that seriously needed attention as I had tried for so long to put a man in those places and always ended up hurt and the more empty due to the contents of my soul.

Her book up above(which can be purchased on Amazon) has helped me have a paradigm shift to loose fear, doubt and worry and begin to have faith, hope and trust in God that in time He provides whats needed. Where I had thought it may just bot happen for me and that thought is not in line with the word of God. So it is to he captured when comes and cast down (2 Corin 10:4-5).

Freedom from old stuff is a process and it takes time. As to why the word of God is the best guide book to have in this life as it touches all subjects including relationships. Her book has helped me begin to shift my mind and see myself as a winner in the faith and trust in God and His timing.

These books below are others that I have read in time past before going to the church that has so wonderfully aided me in my life far more than theae books as my lraders know me and my battles and issues as they have taught the best knowledge is your own personal experiance and gaining wisdom from those who know you personally to help naviagte the journey.

In no particular order:

This book is great for understand yourself and how you commincate in showing/displaying love to those in your life.

This book mainly focuses on enjoying single life! I passed my copy on to encourage other single sisters, but God replaced the copy when He sent me a leader in my Pastor who tells me the same thing. Enjoy, live, focus on God, walk in my purpose and his will. She is my book of wisdom since the others fully cannot relate to me as she can relate me to my story and prepare me.

This book was pretty much a reinforcement to my Pastors councel to trust God. As this spoke about divine timing and God doing the work to bring about His will and plans for my life.

This book expounded on Ruths story. She focused on her purpose with Noami and Boaz found her. Our bishop has spoke on her story in times to wait to be found by him as we are about our Fathers business. To stop falling for the words of a Bozo (lol) but wait while God works. Wait patiently with good attitude.

This book also reinforced the concept of time and touched on boundaries and enlightened that if you have things going on in your life you may not need to be in a relationship where we need wait and get healing first just as my Pastor focuses on with us. Heal the inner and if its Gods will He will bring things to pass.

This one is a premartial counceling book. That focuses on reflecting marriage as marriage of christ and the church as to which that is what earthly union should reflect when 2 born again believers come together.

This book opened up more the concept from the prior book, but showed more the difficulty and challenges in union on one flesh. As my pastor has taught us that 2 becoming one is an undertaking of understanding, forgiveness, and unconditional love to not quit when things get hard, but to keep at it.

This one I have not read, but I have read the book Boundaries just not this targeted area. But my Pastor has been instilling in me boundaries are very important in all kinds of relationships.

I so love my church Reformation Developmental Center where they speak on practical wisdom tips as well as full depth of the word of God to bring us insight into all things in this life.

~Love Life~Live Life~😍

~Cynthia 😉

Single and Happy

There is a time and season for all things!

It is widely popular now that if your not with someone then there has to be something wrong with you.

Is there something wrong with me?

I am single and have been a very long time!

Does that make my humanity any less than someone involved with someone?

The world and times would say yes there is something wrong with me. In some cases yes the church world would also! Yes! I said it the church also!

Not to many in the area I reside have singles geared programs, teachings on how to be am effective single, being a single christian and devoting your time to God in that season.

It wasn’t until I started going to Reformation Developmental Center pastored by Juanita Gibbs where she began to open up my world to me that my time of singleness is a gift to be treasured.

I am free to serve the kingdom as much as I can without distractions. I dont have to subject my earnings to anyone else before I give to the kingdom. I don’t have to subject my body but to God in this time when I want to fast and such.

Yes, I admit being single and remaining as such has gotten me down in the past. I have allowed man made ideas, holidays and the like to tell me what I am suppose to be as a 30ish single.

But what does God say about it as His truth trumps the ideals of men. God says seek me with your whole heart. Seek me first, keep me first, surrender everything to me. That is Gods order and design.

As I mentioned in my last singles post by doing the seeking and work on my own that was my self will not Gods will. He killed every plan that was not of his plan and purposes. Thank God He did too.

My time of singleness is to work on my inner life to have my soul prosper. To correct the inner issues, to heal the inner wounds, to subject myself to the God who knows whats best for me. He proclaims His ways are higher, his thoughts are higher.

Man oh man are they ever. Had God not stepped in and stopped my plans how much heartache and pain in the long run has he saved me from and from inflicting on another.

My soul issues could and have done serious damage left unattended. I am learning slowly to love life as a single, give my all to God, serve him in my current purpose and seek him and keep him first.

God says keep humble and at the proper time exultation will come for them who remain humble. Humble left the building on me the other day and seeing it deeply grieves me. Pride genuinley comes before the fall.

When you fall, fall and look at why you fell then see why you fell and learn from it to keep from repeating it. Only the meek can inherit the earth as the earth is His and the fullness there of and having a level of pride negates the capacity of God to show himself as He knows he wont be glorified.

Humble will glorify God over self. These are just things that I am learning and discovering about myself in my time now without distractions as I am finding contentmemt and trust slowly as it comes to my relationship with God.

As I allow Him into my life he is filling me with himself and His truth to be free from old bondage, be healed from past woundings, and to live a life that glorfies him over any thing and everything I can or have done.

My Pastor who has helped me embrace my singleness and learn about myself in this time. She does also teach on the fundamentals of relationships and the dynamics of it all.

Please don’t misunderstand these posting either of a bitter or hatefilled singlehood. No this is just an enlightenment on my journey.

Every single persons journey is different. I am just expressing and showing that you can find happiness in the status that is so widely not popular to have.

~Love Life~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Delight

Take delight and joy in the love of God in my season of singleness!

To be honest I conformed to the world and listen to what its message was in regards to singleness. That if your of a certain age and still single you better get out there and make some moves or you may remain single.

I chased men, asked them out, built friendships in motive of looking to fulfill my longings to remove the singleness status and conform to this world.

You know what happened with them all? They all ended in disaster and heartbreak on my part. The motives I had in it was all wrong.

When God intervened in a huge blessing type way to remove the last one it removed distraction and He could begin to work on me and why I kept conforming to the world.

He began to show me those issues I have blogged about already and the latest he has shown me was that I back burnered the Love of God for the Love of Men.

God is a jealous God!

He saw I put that man up as an idol and made him a God in my view. Cause as my Pastor told me if they were not made a God in my view then when they left I would not have felt empty and like I couldn’t go on with life.

He is showing me that I forsook my first love for another and that is in error on my part.

Repentance and genuine heartfelt broken repentance has come to say God I am so sorry I replaced you for another.

God knows that if this goes undealt with I will keep repeating the same pattern of putting another above Him. He proclaims over and over seek me first and don’t forsake your 1st love. This is Gods order of things.

Listening to the world I bypassed His instruction and listen to the wrong directions that lead to distruction. These cycles and issues require me to do some work within to keep from going down those same roads.

Taking my delight in His love for me. Thanking Him for the God given people he has given me. Praising him for the Godly leadership that is before me to help me to see my inner issues and begin to mature me in those areas as a believer and conforming to Gods way and shedding the worlds way.

God is my portion! He sent a man to die for me when I didn’t deserve it to forgive my sins. He unconditionally loves me even when I fail like a good father he helps me get up and try again.

Allowing that love to fill me up so I can show it to others is what He is about. Love is the greatest command. Love covers a multitude of sin. Love is Patient, kind, gentle, unboasting, and confident in the eternalness of His love when human love has its limits.

When God see’s I am firm in Him and his love and that he keeps proper place of first in time he will send a man after Gods heart. He will do it, not me! That was the missing component, I moved ahead of God.

So, for now yes my season of singleness has purpose and that is taking delight in whom God is and that is a loving Father and learning who I am deeply on the inside and loving me! Love is taken in with self first and filled up then overflow comes as love grows.

~Love Life~Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Bad Friendship!

Rejection and fear have a friendship that work together in unity in a wounded soul.

When rejection happens many times over it brings damage to the soul. The soul begins to find ways to heal, but if not being healed with good methods then it adds to the wounding creating a scar within. Least thats how it has been in my life.

Wounds of rejection would happen and my healing method was to let fear come in and protect me. Fear soothed the wound that if I never get close to anyone again then the pain wouldn’t come again by another rejection. But what happened when another cane along into my life?

Well…

They would come and over time yup I let the next one right on into my heart. What happened next was any sign that they were rejecting me I would begin to close off as I was being deemed unacceptable to them. I would wall up and push them away to save the fragile pieces of my heart as best I could from fear of it happening again.

Once wounding began to create other ways of wounding myself within my soul. It was so strong the fear and rejection that I began to shut out good people that God had placed in my life making time with me very difficult. Difficult to the place that I began to expect them to leave me.

But that all stemed from fear and rejection of the past. When they have reinforced to me they are God sent and yes its proven that they are that I still fear the most that people will leave me.

I am told that faith and fear work similar just with different results. The very things I have feared that people would continually come and go has happened. But, I can only manage myself, if something about me is rejected and they want to leave then thats their reasons.

I just have to manage myself with overcoming the fear and rejection issue to not push people away and guard my heart to not take people into my heart so quickly or easily. I need to slow down allow time on the scene and let things be proven.

When God sends me people with a heart after his, yes they may judge and show concern, but also accept that they too have issues and we all are working to overcome and accept each other on our faith journey in life.

~Love Life ~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉