Surviving COVID, what it has taught me!

In my darkest hour of receiving the call from the nurse to say, “Ms. Gunn, your COVID-19 test results came back as positive, you will need to isolate yourself ASAP!”

Needless to say an immediate rush of every kind of emotion rose up within my body! Many I had to tell because I was positive incase they were exposed by proxy of me. Everyone I had been around never got it from me!

But, thats not the point of this blog…

This blog is gonna go to a deeper level of what I faced in those dark 22 days of isolation…

In isolation during having COVID-19 you are in a way at the time I had it, doubly isolated. Before I contracted the virus we were limited to what we could do, what stores were open, the amount of people that could gather together was restricted to 10 people.

So, in an already isolated state, I contracted Covid-19, that sent me to the next level of isolation, which was complete isolation. No human contact unless by cellphone, social media, or people being masked up, gloved up, and highly socially distanced for everyones safety as the contagion that COVID is, is highly spreadable in the simplest of circumstances.

It was in this time, between battling fevers, trying to hydrate, trying to fight the virus with over-the-counter medicine, trying to keep strength up that its so taxing not just on the body, but on the mind as well!

In this state of battling and my father still within the dwelling with me…socially distanced of course and I took every precaution so he wouldn’t catch it from me and He didn’t, he remains unexposed to what I had going on.

In those 22 days my biological father, only asked me twice if I was ok.

Needless to say the journey of this isolation process, made come to surface every daddy issue I could have. Yes I admit it to the world here and now!

Yes!

I have Daddy issues!

The first week battling covid was the worst as thats when most if this boiled to the surface of my soul(mind, will,and emotions). By week two I was determined to use my isolation time to not only heal and recover from COVID, but to begin to heal the wounds in my soul from a disconnected father figure.

It has taken me weeks to put this together piece-by-piece to not only heal but to deal with layer upon layer of my father issues.

The time my father tried to commit suicide was the final straw that sealed the deal to all my issues and truly shown me my earthly fathers disjointed love toward his own daughter.

In his state of mental disconnect…of which many told me and still tell me to not take personal due to the state of mind he was in hurt and damaged me truly to the core of my being in a way even I can’t find any words to group that could make it understandable.

He took the pills and was rushed to the hospital. From there under intense evaluation and surveillance. One by one we were allowed back to see him. Being as my mother was in a wheelchair and handicap she couldn’t be left alone. So it was my brother and I who took turns goin back with mom, while she sat with dad. When it was my turn I went back and with the straightest face, cold, dark, soul-less eyes he looked at me and asked me who I was. Immediate heartbreak sat in my soul and I turned and walked out and told my brother to go back with our mother. It took him two days to remember who I was.

To this day being my fathers caregiver it hurts to the core knowing the true feelings of his heart that to him I am easily forgotten and that there is little to no love within him towards me.

Another level would be deeper into my childhood. You see things online and social media of how a father is a girls first love, a fathers character is what she looks for in her husband, a father is one that a girl in a way idolizes for all the men in her life.

For me, I didn’t have that kind if father growing up. My father was and is unemotionally connected to me. He never reflected in ways the kind of man I would ever want to be with. Now, with that said, my father was a strong provider. He worked hard to keep a roof over our head and food on table. He and my mother took time to save and take us on wonderful vacations, learning experiences and such. The emotional side is what lacked and thats what the soul needs to flourish and grow and mature healthy.

My time during COVID allowed me to sit still, fully isolated from all human connection. To allow the truest of true the Father’s Love of God to come and begin to work and heal patches within my soul.

God sat me down to see that He loves me, He used vessels of other people to show that to me when isolated. Those who brought me food, those who financially supported me, those who lovingly in genuine love for me in their life, checked on my personal well-being. That opened my heart up to be healed on a level of the father abandonment issues I have housed within my soul.

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Incredibly Stressful Week

“When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:19‬ ‭NASB

Learning to cope and manage my stress levels has been and is one of the most daunting and laborious tasks. I am far from having any great success in it as I am still so deeply learning the concepts of time management, being aware of my emotions, learning to step back and self-parent, learning when to reach out for counsel, and more…

On Saturday and Sunday after I blogged, I cleaned house, did laundry, grocery shopped and began mea prep, I successfully got a lasagna made that my dad (of whom I am a caregiver to) enjoyed. I made a large crockpot of spaghetti and got all the clothes put away, floors cleaned then my Post Covid fatigue hit me so hard like a ton of bricks before I could bake the lasagna and prep my lunches for the week. That it took an hour to recover to even wash the dishes before i had to stop to fight the tinnitus flair, sinus swelling flair and the body just not wanting to cooperate.

Youtube Lasagna

I did all this last weekend in the knowing that two days would be spent beating a many a road taking my dad to his first covid test that is now mandatory before any procedure, then taking him for breakfast, to then head a completely different direction to take a drug test, to then leave there to head to my current place of employment. That night I had to sketch out an entire day of a liquid diet for my father to follow as I would be at work and he would need to partake of the liquids I had acquired to have a successful procedure the next day. He called a few times in frustration wanting solid food and not understanding the plan of his diet. After got him settled and ok it was then time to map out his plan of his intake of solutions before his procedure and account for travel time as all this had to be done within a certain length of time. Needless to say the day of the procedure went smooth (Thank God).

Youtube being a Caregiver

This all happening while working one job, that is in total freak out mode as of the end of January, I will be leaving and moving on to new horizons. So light transitional contact will have to be there til they have more sure footing.

I know that my level of dedication, work ethic that had been above and beyond any call of duty, my level of sacrifice will not be matched. However, I do know that some level of my work is “replaceable”, for that I am no fool. When the value of a person that had done so much for so little is not appreciated or seen the value in, all the more revealing of a time to move on. For some, my missing presence will be felt, for others I am sure could careless if I am out of their life. I have had to grow to a place of knowing when to hold em and when to fold em so to speak.

I am learning to become grateful of weeks like this past week. I could have gotten offended, walled off, shut down, and gone completely off the deep end, instead I looked at every lesson as an opportunity to grow in some way. Whether it be identifying a trigger reaction within myself, realizing a level of pride that needs humbling, or seeing when I am in my flesh and not living by the spirit.

It is in this year 2021, that I want to change more of who I am in developing a Godly character in things that I long need to develop them in. I want to bot only manifest this next step that has been supported and governed by prayer and my prayer partners. That I want to manifest some big things into my life this year as well, things still unseen in the natural, but my spirit embraces them, my subconscious see’s the manifestation and my conscious faith will pull it into reality.

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Faith Moves Mountains

“For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.”
‭‭Mark‬ ‭11:23‬ ‭KJV‬‬

More and more as I journey along the road of life and the life as a believer in Jesus Christ, at different junctures we will often need a new level of faith. For unto us a measure was given, it then becomes our job to work that faith, grow the faith, and manifest from that faith.

Back in 2017 God had to put me in a place to grow my faith to believe for a vehicle after mine put me down. He had already begun to soften my heart when I was already half way through a negativity detox of my soul. He also made sure to surround me with people that would encourage that faith and help keep the fire stoked to see a manifestation of God opening opportunity when every odd was against me to obtain a new/used vehicle.

I had to grow that level of faith from the measure I was given as a believer. As time passed and that level of faith saw me through my battle with COVID and survived to talk about it, show to others God at work in my COVID battle and more. When you hit the end of a grade level and pass the test, your often sent to the next level, it will be new, it will take an even greater faith in that next level.

But, what about the grey area of passing the test and then the next grade promotion? Reflect on the lessons learned, see how you don’t just allow anyone in your ear to convince you that your choices are wrong. See how you have grown and showed strength instead of emotionalism. See how your able to stand for what you are truly worth instead of what others may see you as to keep an upper hand on you!

In the grey area, real hearts are exposed!

In the grey area agendas are revealed!

In the grey area you see that folks purposely withheld!

In the grey area you see truth and please don’t ignore it!

I have so much more to grow in as it relates to faith so that more mountains can be moved. I have of recent had ear-mites “attempt” to deter my path by saying things of “I wish you went to a mega church so you can find your husband” or “I wish you luck in what your about to do and I hope it works out”!

I stopped them in those moment and said I am going to church where I am supposed to be going. Your opinion of that holds no relevance and my husband of whom God will send yes will be a church going man! When the time comes God will send him to visit my church. God works in the small better then he ever will in the “mega”! I also stopped the one about my current choices and I said boldly that yes it will work out! For they have no idea of the mountain it was to cross. These folks that said this may have been an “elder” in age, but the wisdom of God supersedes that when His spirit is in something and not the opinions of flesh and folks that have lived their life already!

When peoples opinions or the worlds opinions hold you back from something God has His hand upon its time to take a look at the hand you allow to steer your life.

Have you allowed the worlds view of money rule your every decision? If so, holding on to the energy of money only keeps it away from you! Freely giving of finances is an energy that creates an open flow.

When you allow “peers” to influence your choice of church because of their ideals that is an energy of control that we must be careful of. The energy of free-will is God-given, exercise it. Fast, pray, seek outside council to help you hear from God on what is destined for your life.

Folks may have “somewhat” good intentions in mind, but not every intention is pure in nature. Be wise and seek answers before choosing based on someone else’s life choices. Cause in the end it will be your faith and what of it you choose to operate from that will help you move mountains in life and reach your destiny!

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Anchor In Hope

Building Yourself Up!

“But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.”
‭‭Jude‬ ‭1:20-21‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

There are days we experience in this lifetime that the sun won’t seem as bright. There are days that the clouds will seem too numerous. The scent of rain in the air too much for the emotions to handle holding together.

The dark nights of the soul are phases of growing from the old and toward the new. Think about it a baby is kept in the dark of a mother’s womb protected and safe until it is time for the baby to come into the light.

Our Savior was place in the darkness of a tomb after he was crucified. There he remained for three days, he plunged into the futher dark depths of hell to take back the keys to hell and the grave once and for all. On the third day he emerged into the light.

Dark days will happen!

But, the key is to learn to settle there and remain. The darkness of a cocoon for a caterpillar is only for a time, Jonah spent time in the belly of a whale for a dark night of the soul before the whale spit him out on the shore and He then made the journey to Ninevah.

Before purpose comes a preparation time comes. Even Jesus after he was baptized had a growing experience in the wilderness. He was tempted, tested and tried buy the enemy of our soul for 40 days. After the darkness he emerged empowered and the more ready to fulfill His God destined purpose. Daniel was in the Lions den a dark time for Him. Joseph spent time in the pit.

What did all these I speak of do when the were in their dark night of the soul. They prayed, sung songs of worship, they built themself up in the most holy faith.

The most holy faith saw them through and it helped launch them into their greatest purposes that we read about in the Word of God.

🌺Today Choose Joy🌺

Choose to build yourself up in the most holy faith! Choose to lean on the one whom is everlasting. Choose to seek Him and grow in your relationship!

These dark and trying days we need something and someone steadfast that we can cling too. He will not fail us lest we only hold on tight!

Stay encouraged we all are fighting different battles, but with God on our side we have an assurance!

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

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🌺Cynthia🌺

Life Update During A Pandemic ~ Photo Collection

2020 Has become a year for the history books!

So, since I left off blogging last at the end of May, the state in which I reside took us from Lock down to Phase 1 and then to Phase 2.

The cases statewide have continued to grow during Phase 2 and when the state evaluated us entering Phase 3, they said No! The governor declared we are to remain at Phase 2 for three more weeks which will expire at 5pm on July 17. With this came a new mandate, for all public safety we are to now wear masks in public, in retail settings and any position when dealing with the public.

Needless to say… I was not and am not thrilled about the new mandate. But, I have chosen to abide by the ruling for my safety and for those of whom I encounter on a day-to-day basis. The weekend of the ruling local sheriff’s offices were putting out statement about how they won’t be enforcing the ruling on individual basis’, but when businesses don’t follow the mandate they could step in and thus fine the establishment.

Several businesses have been sited for not following the mandate, and I just read one today the law shut a business down that was suppose to be closed during this phase and now they were forcibly shut down. The governor stated he went this route while in Phase 2 so we wouldn’t have to go back to Phase 1 like other states who have seen even more drastic spikes in covid cases.

The employer I work for mandated under the governors ruling that we are to wear masks with working with the public. That has not been enjoyable at all! It will keep me safe. Its so strange how masks have become not only for safety, but a fashion accessory. I have had to adjust my makeup routine to accommodate wearing masks off and on all day. This whole year has been one adjustment after another.

One thing this pandemic has done was restore my working with children. For a time, I wasn’t working with children as I had once in the past. Two were gone, another was part time and my consistent one of whom remained was needed in a new capacity at home for a while. One Sunday I came in and all four of my lil joys were back. That restored a light within my soul of my kingdom purpose with working with the children. I missed them so much and God restored them as my Pastor had told me He would right after the shift happened.

In my own spiritual journey in the last month, God has been working hard on humbling me. Getting me out of a state of Pride and knowing I need Him with every breathe, every step, every decision cause doing it on my own is my own self-will. To surrender my will to Gods will it takes a humbling of a person and in June God broke a level off of me that was strongly needed.

The new places God wants to take me in him required some death to the old things my soul (mind, will, and emotions) had clung to for all my life. Everything God has for me is within my spirit as that is where I invited His spirit to reside within me and overtime that newness will shine forth through my vessel (body) in my character, morals, and integrity.

In the days ahead I am longing that this Pandemic lets up! So we can have a sense of normalcy return. My prayer is that everyone stay safe as possible and take care of your mental health during all this! I have battled depression off and on during this crisis. The people of whom love and support me check on me and pray me through. Find your soul tribe like I have, they will be with you through dark and light, good and bad, broke and prosperous. Real people are true and genuine beyond things that can and will often change.

Thank you for taking time to catchup with me by reading my blog or stopping in to see the photos. 🌺

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🌺Cynthia🌺

Personal Reflections

Corona Virus and Quarantine Slowed Down The World

I have come to realize that when I allow people into my life, I become to dependent on their need of me. This slowing down has really brought this reality to the surface of my existence.

Being an essential worker and still working through the pandemic and more work being placed on my shoulders at work that has been seen as a reason to not need me in areas any longer. So in a sense the work I used to do was outsourced to another to complete in fear that my overwhelm at work wouldn’t be able to withstand critique.

When countless times in the past it was explicitly stated by me that that work wasn’t burdensome. So assumption has been on the scene that I couldn’t handle one more thing. I love how people think for me, but you better not even think of thinking for them.

At this point I need to evaluate who I have become dependent on and why I have done such, to then begin to work on building myself to where; as I am replaced it wont be so heart wrenching.

This life during this pandemic has not been all sugar and spice. There are times I question my faith and ask whats the point any more. Only to realize its only myself and dealing with humanity that brings on those pondering questions. God doesn’t change – people do! This last few months have been like the 8th circle of hell. To be perfectly honest, I am tired of fighting!

I have some changing myself to do at this point and learning how to keep fighting against all odds when folks tell you that your beyond help!

When you fall from Grace, look up to see who is standing over you saying “i told you so”…

I hope everyone is doing way better at this then I am..

Cynthia 🌺

Growth During A Pandemic

Self-Development While In the Fire

I shared this image last week and I had to think about it. Had I really been doing nothing? Or were things changing in me?

I took this week to evaluate me and look at things I need to change about myself that have that come to the surface during the trials of life, especially during the hard reality times we live in now of a COVID-19 world. The fire of life, circumstances and mental and emotional rises, brought up a-lot with in me I must begin tackling.

Its going to be a journey of change, but I need to change what has been shown to me about myself.

“And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7:3-5‬ ‭KJV‬‬

I have been one to sit back and judge others when I myself have a huge timber in my own eye of how I am in my character and to be integral I need to sit down and deal with myself.

So much of life has happened around me that I sit and look that God has been using the pressure to get growth out of me.

Has it been easy?

No!

Its been pure hell if I am to be blatantly honest. Knowing that your first nature wants to rise up, fight back, and oh believe me it has. To only realize on the other side of it, revealed wounds, wrong ways of thinking, wrong perceptions of which formed my misjudgment of a great many things.

I ultimately have a choice to make. Do I remain on the old path with my old ways and keep having dead-end/one sided relationships or do I choose the new road to a new way of conducting life in various trying circumstances in the changed manner that could nurture and grow relationships.

I choose the new path!

“I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:”
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭30:19‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Choosing this new road the beginning won’t be easy. But the long run of it all will be well worth it. The Word of God proclaims the ending of a thing is way better then its beginning. (Ecc 7:8)

The ending will produce the desired fruit of rightful living, being subject to truth of the word and walking there in. Faith without my work is dead. Just as work without faith is dead. Being the doer of the word is what is changing within me. Not being driven by my flesh in the emotion it feels and the logic that my mind can twist together.

God wants me to prosper in my soul firstly, heal some wounds of the soul, reshape how I process things from a new way that is contrary to how I was raised and brought up. The blooms of a new life are what I so hope to see as I endeavor to make these shifts from being combative, viewing through wounds of rejection and embrace the reality of who I am, confess it and grow from it.

So, today I choose to do SOMETHING! That will benefit changing the trajectory of my life!

Cooked a nice dinner!
Stopped to smell some roses

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🌺Stay Safe & Be Blessed🌺

As always, thank you for supporting my blog! I will get back next week to how the COVID-19 has impacted my life!

🌺 Cynthia 🌺

Embracing Singleness

Relationship Status in a world that makes it idolized to be of a certain status!

In a world where status is everything so it seems, the world promotes that if your not married then your practically nothing.

To say the least many of us have cosigned with that mindset. But, is it true what they claim?

NO!

I can attest that being single is NOT the end all be all of our existence and neither is marriage. Both have their place in the world and in the church. Married folks (successful marriages) should be encouraged to pour wisdom into singles to help prepare them for their time.

Godly marriages have come along side me in my recent years and have helped burst the false bubbles of fantasy and instill reality and wisdom in the approach to relationships. I first had to embrace the fact that marriage is a long-term successful friendship.

Once I got this I was then challenged to learn to walk in love, this love walk was the one without conditions, boy thats been a challenge. Its been a growing pain of growing from where I once was cold to seeing some fruit of growth how be it ever small, but growth is growth.

The successful marriages showed me that even if marriage doesn’t come I need to learn to love myself and my journey. If someone comes along thats traveling the same road and we can go at it together great, if not; I still have a purpose and call of God to fulfill. Embracing this has brought a level of freedom that no matter my status I still have purpose.

I still have bouts of struggle with this from time to time, I won’t lie about that. Thats our human nature and a good one to have as long as its not our driving force. I was reminded once again to seek first the kingdom of God and all His righteousness them all those things can be added to me.

So, if you struggle being single, know that your not alone. Trust in God and His timing. Work on yourself, love yourself, enjoy yourself! Live life, love others, bring joy to those you can around you. Sow seeds of goodness and kindness where you can.

Love yourself enough to wait on the goodness of the Lord! Trust your preparation season, trust the growth, trust in the Love of the Father! He knows what He is doing, he loves you enough to keep you growing before you mess up any good thing He sends your way!

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Seek Wisdom

Wisdom is a precious jewel!

For someone like me I am quick to get right into my head and think think about everything. This causes me to get into more logic than I do faith.

My logic and reasoning can be so loud that the voice of the spirit in me trying to speak is squealched out. I have been learning to stop that when my logic kicks in. Its just like starting a car you know when you put the key in to start it up. I have had to become aware of when I do that and hault it.

I directed my mind to know, to investigate and to seek wisdom and an explanation, and to know the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness.
Ecclesiastes 7:25 NASB

In this season I am learning that I have to re-direct my mond from what it may know, assume, view as suspecious, see as fear and shut it down at the gate and turn to voice of reason.

God has placed before me in my leadership sound coucel, a woman of God whom is full of wisdom. Pastor Juanita Gibbs is one that I am greatful that I can turn to and present what is currently going on in my life and world to get the wisdom I need to navigate life, the situation and things better.

My foolishness has been keeping the issues I face to myself in a way of pride, not allowing voices of wisdom to help me out. This has been the fown fall of many a folly in my life. I have been the cause of much of my own pain and hurt cause of leaning on my own limited understanding.

Seeking good Godly councel has been definitley a trajectory changer. I am finding I am getting through things better than I was doing it in myself;(pride).

I am so eternally greatful for her and my whole church family for the love, support, ear and arms in times like there have been. As Pastor beautifully brought out last Wednesday in teleclass. Find your spiritual family that will help you grow and mature.

~Cynthia 😍

Heart of Skills

At the heart of us we all have been given a skill!

Have you ever sat back and pondered life at times?

Questioning God Why am I here?

What is it I am suppose to do or contribute to the world?

Well, on more than one occasion I can honestly say I have had this trivial time with God. My soul (mind,will, and emotions) searched for purpose to the point it was so loud within that when or if God did speak I didn’t hear it.

All the women whose heart stirred with a skill spun the goats’ hair.
EXODUS 35:26 AMP

It took coming to where I am now at Reformation Developmental Center to finally hear what God had called and purposed me to for my life.

My Pastor Juanita Gibbs took me under wing to help bring out of me what God had placed within me to use for the building of His Kingdom.

She helped bring me to a place of understanding that I am called to be a teacher and was ordained as a Youth Teacher in January. Then that helped me step into the blogging and writing more as I plan to finish my book up soon to have it set for publishing.

Had I not come into a place where clarity could come on the scene my heart couldn’t have been stirred to perfect and develop the skills God has given to me.

He has done the same for each and everyone of us. Its just a matter of getting clear on it and chasing after it with your whole heart.

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~Cynthia 😍