“Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not. Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.” 1 John 3:1-2 KJV
The World, our environment, how we were raised, our subconscious (our mind), and others can impact how we see ourself and thus label ourselves.
We get labeled by doctors, out bank accounts, our level of education, what we do in church, our past, if we have a criminal background and so much more.
These labels can if allowed to do so deeply cripple a person. It takes time to build a strong constitution of self belief with in a person that has been put down, ridiculed, excluded, outcast, ostracized, scapegoated, black sheeped, etc.
So much of my past I have been labeled the fat one, the depressed one, the one who had made nothing of her life, the constantly broke, the anxious one, the one that went to college and doesn’t use it. The one forever in her parents home, the one who will never marry, the one who is unworthy….and on, and on, and one…
In part some if those labels came from very harsh misjudgment, some seeing from only how their life and others around them; and how their life has unfolded. Some came from hardships and taking on labels prescribed by others. Some labels have been factions of all those negative labels working together and creating more negative labels for me to live by. But, it has and will continue to take hard work on my part to live beyond the labels.
The last maybe 5 years have been spent working on layers upon layers of negativity. Shedding label by label in progressive steps toward seeing my life in new eyes and to place myself on a new trajectory that only I can adjust the path to realign with my true purpose and destiny in life.
As each layer had been dealt with things and people have fallen out or have been removed from my life so that I can keep going forward. This will be my life’s journey and one only I can do. Those who come along and stick with me in it great! To those who fall off or are removed I pledge you many blessings as you go on in your life.
There is freedom in living beyond labels!
Thank you for taking time to read my blog! I wish you all a Merry Christmas/Holiday Season!
It all began the same way, stuffy nose, slight congestion due to drainageand the normal feeling awful that comes with not being well.
Lived with that for a day, thought nothing of it at that point as the weather had drastically changed at that point. However, the next day that night in between at some point my controlled tinnitus I’ve had since my first round of COVID in Oct 2020 had turned wide open again. First red flag. So, I knew I had taken a specific allergy med that helped keep the volume of that down and attributed the issues I was having to seasonal allergies. By the end of that day, I felt even more awful.
Got off work and headed home, by this point I was feeling like I was gonna fall apart, fatigue was setting in, red flag #2. So, I decided to stop to the pharmacy across from my house to get a cold med as it was at that point teetering between being an allergy cold and a seasonal cold. Went in the store masked up nowadays, if you even have a hint of suspicion of COVID folks are ready to string you up. Ran in, got the liquid cold med and got home, to want to check to see if I had a fever before I started taking the meds. Of course at that moment I did have a fever of 99.9, totally not a good thing and Red flag #3.
Later that night I began to have chills all over as I was sleeping and the bouts of fever and no fever again. Red flag #4. At this point it was a Friday night going into Saturday and with already having these issues I was like I need to go and get a COVID test. Saturday came, I finally mustered up enough strength to get dressed and drive around to the testing facility, to only roll up and find them closed because of the college town I reside in had a game goin on that day. The sign said they would reopen on Sunday at 1pm.
Sunday finally came around after Saturdays exhaustion of going out trying to get tested then hunting for the at home COVID tests of which this whole big town was out of. By this time I had found out I had lost my ability to smell and taste some items. Red flag #5. Also, through the night I had had a whole body spasm in which it didn’t release til 3 hours later. I was in so much pain.
I Left my home at 10 min til 1pm to only find the place packed out at the testing facility. An hour later after I had gotten there they shut down accepting anyone else into the site. It took me 2 hours and 15 min to be processed all the way through from entry to test that day. When I filled out my paperwork I had actively 6 symptoms of COVID two of which I’ve battled for nearly a year now.
It was finally my turn to get closer to being tested as I was under the first carport. They took my ID and clipboard and went to have my testing kit for me prepared for the next carport. One of the worker ladies in the first carport told me that by 1pm there was well over 200 in the parking lot setup to get tested. Then to only tell me that the day prior, one of their machines that processes our test went down. So, its Sunday and well over 200 tests, it would not be the 24hr turn around as it was for me last year. I did the math and this test was my 6th COVID test within a year.
Finally got to the last carport and the young man doing my test we got talking and he too had not long recovered from having COVID in May 2021. We both experience some of the same post COVID related issues.
Now that I had been tested and even Saturday (the day before) I had been working hard on isolation and keeping germs contained and clean and so many more precautions. Going into Monday knowing I need to work and that my test results could go either way. I kept to myself I sanitized my desk at every nose blow or cough to keep things contained and isolated. Monday came and no results. That night I knew I needed to figure out how to access my mychart for test results from the hospital system I tested through.
I finally got into my mychart to see further no results posted. I had to pray my answer would come Tuesday. Woke up Tuesday morning at usual of 6am to find my email had a notification in it that a result had been posted to mychart. I slid that screen notification across to get in there to see finally what my fate would be. In my mind I was positive with this monster called COVID again.
To open my results to only see that I had tested:
Completely baffled and in praise to God that I tested negative. This whole ordeal triggered everything that I’ve had going on in my body since battling COVID in the first place and folks wonder why Im not for the vaccine. This is why! Im still battling its effects just having contracted the actual virus!
But thats a whole other post for another day!
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Today marks 20 years ago since that fateful day where our lives changed for many years in days, weeks, months, and years that follow the tragic attack on the twin towers and the Pentagon, and the hero’s that took down flight 93 from doing more harm.
In wake of the first attack on America soil in decades. This one major life event truly impacted the globe, as many Americans and internationals were part of the events of that fateful day.
I recall in the days, months and year ahead of the day known as Patriots day, everywhere and everyone considered themselves to be New Yorkers. The level of patriotism was at an all time high we were united under one front of banning together to stand strong, when we had been knocked to our knees in a devastating way.
For the first time, in what felt like a lifetime had passed that everyone seemed to suddenly care about their neighbor so to speak. The country had pulled together so tightly, that I don’t recall til many years had passed that devision had begun to make its way back in on a strong marginalized scale.
Now today, twenty years later there is devision based on the color of the skin so strongly that riots have occurred, there is divisiveness against standing with or agains law enforcement figures, there is division based in if your now vaccinated or not with the covid vaccines…and on and on and on…
At every turn now there is more hate and discord then there is true unity as there once was 20 years ago. The tragedy that is COVID has caused so much strife. Yet in one fateful day when many were taken, many became hero’s, many became survivors, many became New Yorkers. That now we stand at odds like 20 years ago didn’t happen.
Maybe today, this fateful day can remind us once again to unite and stand together and not against each other!
In my darkest hour of receiving the call from the nurse to say, “Ms. Gunn, your COVID-19 test results came back as positive, you will need to isolate yourself ASAP!”
Needless to say an immediate rush of every kind of emotion rose up within my body! Many I had to tell because I was positive incase they were exposed by proxy of me. Everyone I had been around never got it from me!
But, thats not the point of this blog…
This blog is gonna go to a deeper level of what I faced in those dark 22 days of isolation…
In isolation during having COVID-19 you are in a way at the time I had it, doubly isolated. Before I contracted the virus we were limited to what we could do, what stores were open, the amount of people that could gather together was restricted to 10 people.
So, in an already isolated state, I contracted Covid-19, that sent me to the next level of isolation, which was complete isolation. No human contact unless by cellphone, social media, or people being masked up, gloved up, and highly socially distanced for everyones safety as the contagion that COVID is, is highly spreadable in the simplest of circumstances.
It was in this time, between battling fevers, trying to hydrate, trying to fight the virus with over-the-counter medicine, trying to keep strength up that its so taxing not just on the body, but on the mind as well!
In this state of battling and my father still within the dwelling with me…socially distanced of course and I took every precaution so he wouldn’t catch it from me and He didn’t, he remains unexposed to what I had going on.
In those 22 days my biological father, only asked me twice if I was ok.
Needless to say the journey of this isolation process, made come to surface every daddy issue I could have. Yes I admit it to the world here and now!
I have Daddy issues!
The first week battling covid was the worst as thats when most if this boiled to the surface of my soul(mind, will,and emotions). By week two I was determined to use my isolation time to not only heal and recover from COVID, but to begin to heal the wounds in my soul from a disconnected father figure.
It has taken me weeks to put this together piece-by-piece to not only heal but to deal with layer upon layer of my father issues.
The time my father tried to commit suicide was the final straw that sealed the deal to all my issues and truly shown me my earthly fathers disjointed love toward his own daughter.
In his state of mental disconnect…of which many told me and still tell me to not take personal due to the state of mind he was in hurt and damaged me truly to the core of my being in a way even I can’t find any words to group that could make it understandable.
He took the pills and was rushed to the hospital. From there under intense evaluation and surveillance. One by one we were allowed back to see him. Being as my mother was in a wheelchair and handicap she couldn’t be left alone. So it was my brother and I who took turns goin back with mom, while she sat with dad. When it was my turn I went back and with the straightest face, cold, dark, soul-less eyes he looked at me and asked me who I was. Immediate heartbreak sat in my soul and I turned and walked out and told my brother to go back with our mother. It took him two days to remember who I was.
To this day being my fathers caregiver it hurts to the core knowing the true feelings of his heart that to him I am easily forgotten and that there is little to no love within him towards me.
Another level would be deeper into my childhood. You see things online and social media of how a father is a girls first love, a fathers character is what she looks for in her husband, a father is one that a girl in a way idolizes for all the men in her life.
For me, I didn’t have that kind if father growing up. My father was and is unemotionally connected to me. He never reflected in ways the kind of man I would ever want to be with. Now, with that said, my father was a strong provider. He worked hard to keep a roof over our head and food on table. He and my mother took time to save and take us on wonderful vacations, learning experiences and such. The emotional side is what lacked and thats what the soul needs to flourish and grow and mature healthy.
My time during COVID allowed me to sit still, fully isolated from all human connection. To allow the truest of true the Father’s Love of God to come and begin to work and heal patches within my soul.
God sat me down to see that He loves me, He used vessels of other people to show that to me when isolated. Those who brought me food, those who financially supported me, those who lovingly in genuine love for me in their life, checked on my personal well-being. That opened my heart up to be healed on a level of the father abandonment issues I have housed within my soul.
The path to recovery from COVID is full of uncertainty!
Since the last time I blogged, I have been deeply into getting my body steered toward being COVID free and toward rebounding from the effects of this slow moving virus that has so greatly impacted the world we live in today.
I spent 22 days in isolation to prevent the spread of this virus. I kept it from my aging father of whom lives in the same dwelling as I, and I didn’t pass it on to anyone in whom I had any contact with. Praise God!
In the days of knowing I contracted the virus, in the small area of which I am employed it became a virtual witch hunt of who infected who and how and all the scenarios that we none had any full control over. I may have mentioned it in my previous writing, that at the time I contracted COVID there was a highly concentrated number of cases in that small town. This fact alone makes it mute on how I contracted it as in such a small area, this spread faster and quicker! If your someone like me that works in the public, handling funds, face-to-face encounters, then its bound to happen.
As soon as folks heard my story of having COVID hysteria kicked in, everyone I had been in contact with rushed to get tested. Which is all fine cause that was the point on making it aware that I contracted the virus. Many got tested and one after another came back negative, I was so thankful to hear it as I am around some more advanced in age men and women that have underlying medical conditions that needed to be careful around with this.
One that I work with about 14 days after I had the virus, she contracted it. It was told to me by someone in their circle that this person told most that she had communication with, that she had contracted the virus from me. Smh. We shared the same work space yesterday and from her lips she said I didn’t get it from you, but in her continuing story said that on a day she went into a shared office space (now mind you. This was a week after our office had been shut down and sterilized) said she went to my desk and got something and felt horrible since. So in one breathe she says she didn’t get from me and with another she between lines said I got it from you! The heart will always reveal itself if you pay close attention to the words.
Its amazing to also see how you are treated once you have had COVID. I went to work to attempt to get back into some level of normalcy after the testing reveled I was now negative. You walk into a place and immediately you hear “RONA” and the sound of ur not allowed in here coming from the lips of people as you see from your peripheral vision the ones on the side of you step back as if you was so super contagious they could not share the same air in-which to breathe.
Its also been super refreshing to be welcomed back into the presence of people. I am very much a people person, I like to connect and plug into peoples energies especially people you get good vibes from. Some have been so welcoming of me returning back to health that its a reflection of Gods loving character in the earth. Of which is something I may write about in blogs to come what my time of isolation revealed about me to work on for my own personal development.
My body is still in recuperation mode as I still have not regained the full taste and sense of smell and as of late really bad tinnitus has developed. This is where the path to my recovery is uncertain. I went to my family physician Monday to kinda be left feeling as if I was crazy for having tinnitus and refusing to get their flu shot among other things. Because of all the strict guidelines at doctors I had to be sure I made them away I had, had the corona/covid-19 and that I was now clear.
Then it was pressure to get a flu shot. I had to stand firm that I didn’t want and will not get a flu shot! They didn’t understand my reasoning after just surviving COVID, why would I purposely insert flu into my body that still hasn’t full rebounded from the corona virus. They insisted, well it doesn’t give you the flu! I said no! Four times I had to tell them No! They gave no treatment for my tinnitus and only said allow time to pass to see if it goes away as she never heard of this being a side effect from COVID. I’m like do you want my head to see if what I am telling you is true!?
I have begun doin my own therapy on sound treatments for the ringing, taste therapy to attempt to get that back and Smelling therapy to begin to have that come back. I have also enlisted the wisdom of a retired medical care worker whom knows a lot about things in homeopathic ways of treatments and therapy to help me along and her wisdom has proven time and time again. She made me her own healing soup therapy that she uses countlessly time and time again that has prevented pneumonia and more in her close connections to keep them healthy and from worser sicknesses.
It is my firm belief that getting this soup in the early phases of being diagnosed with Covid-19 that this soup kept the virus from moving into my heart and lungs. That of which I am thankful for. The studies show that COVID effects vital organs like heart, lungs, and now recently they are seeing the effects on the brain with the side effects that I am experiencing. The part of my brain for my sensory reception has been impacted the most in my case of COVID.
It will see you through! Especially times like we live in now!
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1 KJV
Many times the doom, disparity, gloom, and darkness of the times we live in want to come in and take up space or even residency if allowed for too long.
Its up to ourself to fight the good fight of faith! Its a choice to choose hope, its a choice to choose joy, its a choice to keep the faith!
I recall being told numerous times from those further down the spiritual path then I to, take time to reflect on all the good God has done, look at all the answered prayers and allow that to build your faith, becoming the substance that is needed to see what is hoped for manifest!
“be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” Romans 12:2 KJV
Every time the darkness wants to come like a blanket of false comfort, I have to be aware to fight to renew my mind. Thats where we win or loose it all begins in the mind. I have to take up my sword of the Word of God and pull from Gods strength.
“for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 KJV
I have a proclivity to not deal with things timely at times. The slip by and build and build and build until one day I am so over taken by it all, that I either crash or explode. Neither one when they happen are pretty. In the last few months I have been working on dealing with things before they get out of hand. Learning to pay attention to what I am thinking so I can take the wrong thoughts captive and sort them out sooner.
“for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,” 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 NASB
Its up to me and only me to deal with my thoughts. For what I think on so I become. This is by far easier said then done. It is a job to watch your mind. But, if that is the way to continue to keep changing, then I must be committed to the work to see it through. For faith without works is dead, just as work without faith is dead. Both of those have to been alive on the scene.
“For as he thinks within himself, so he is. He says to you, “Eat and drink!” But his heart is not with you.” Proverbs 23:7 NASB
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! I hope that it encourages you and inspires you to keep the faith, do what you can to change, and continue to seek God! This blog has derived teachings I have received under the Pastoralship of Juanita Gibbs.
Be watchful of the traps people set for you on your path of life!
“Establish my footsteps in Your word…” Psalms 119:133 NASB
When your in a season of growth and development, many want to come along and hinder that growth!
When your trying as hard as you can to change in areas that need to be changed in to only be told things that only cause you depression, the notion to give up, walk away from God, walk away from the church and spiritual family… those are things I have had to learn to become aware of and take a stand up against. Many see it as being combative and it is, but when you are run down you have every right to defend yourself!
But the moment you do that you become the bad guy, your messing with a call on someones life, your twisted, sick, immature and how you are is unacceptable. Never mind what they did, said or how they took the situation and said things that were hurtful. So yes, I in-turn unleashed hurtful things as a retaliation.
The bible says turn the other cheek, but baby I can assure you that is hard for this one to do. I took hurtful, hateful words most all my life and I will not just take them anymore! You cause me pain, I will cause you pain in return!
Is that being petty?
Is it mature?
When your a wounded soul fight or flight is an automatic response mechanism! Will I justify what I have done to harm another? Already done that by blaming it on wounds and by retaliating because sore places within me are touched!
The only thing now to do is keep on walking! (Psalm 119:133)
Seek forgiveness from the Lord and plead mercy on the reaping that will take place from all thats been sown!
When your cover is blown seek the refuge of the shelter of the wings (Psalm 91).
“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!” For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper And from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with His pinions, And under His wings you may seek refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark. You will not be afraid of the terror by night, Or of the arrow that flies by day; Of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, Or of the destruction that lays waste at noon. A thousand may fall at your side And ten thousand at your right hand, But it shall not approach you. You will only look on with your eyes And see the recompense of the wicked. For you have made the LORD, my refuge, Even the Most High, your dwelling place. No evil will befall you, Nor will any plague come near your tent. For He will give His angels charge concerning you, To guard you in all your ways. They will bear you up in their hands, That you do not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and cobra, The young lion and the serpent you will trample down. “Because he has loved Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him securely on high, because he has known My name. He will call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With a long life I will satisfy him And let him see My salvation.”” Psalms 91:1-16 NASB
In reflection, I have found myself to be on the road toward healing more often then not! Life happens, we take the hit that wounds the soul, then we grapple at the pieces to get back up and walk again.
Our roads toward healing look different each time. They embody different aspects that need to be overcome, things that need to change, things that need to be matured in, or just healing from being backstabbed, rejected, abandoned, betrayed, or even depression and anxiety.
I will use my life examples to demonstrate how the road toward healing is different each time. I have more of my journey in my book that is available on amazon. But for this blog, I am disclosing some stories that are not in my book.
The first time I actually hit the road toward healing came after I was deeply wounded in the church! That same night the hurt happened as a matter of fact!
The first church I was truly apart of was going through a difficult transitional time of the beloved Pastor of 13 years was leaving due to some personal matters. The Pastor that came in, came in like a hurricane and stirred up a lot. Within the first few weeks the church was further divided. Anyway to make this long story short, I was called into the office with the Pastor, the church board, and the Superintendent of the churches denomination from the high up office at the State level. I did alot of work for the church and was highly connected to the prior leadership, which honestly was not favored as most if you were, was being driven away by taking positions away and reassigning to others who came in new with this new Pastor.
So, I sat in the office with all of them and lie after lie after lie just came from their lips. I sat there thinking these are church folk, lying isn’t suppose to be acceptable?!?!
Even took a persons words close to me and twisted them for their benefit! Now granted on my own part I was very negative about the division of the church, angry with how things were being done, and devastated at how church folks had done folks. In the meeting I sat there quiet the whole time just listening to the accusations. It wasn’t til the end when they said turn in your key and what work you have your released from the position. Knowing full well they had it in for me since day one, I popped back, looked the new Pastor square in the face and said if you didn’t want me here you should have said it long time ago! I took the key off the ring and put in on the desk! They forbid me from talking about what happened to me out side that room to anyone!
I was completely devastated, shocked, and the more distraught. I had just lost the Pastor I had sat under for 7 years, then all this from church folks. I went to my car, cried, was about to leave and say screw the night service. I got enough of myself together and said I will go in and be part of this service but I had to isolate myself as they all kept an eye on me the whole service! Needless to say I wasn’t myself and many took note of that, came over to talk to me and I had to push them away. I left before the service was over to avoid more questions.
I couldn’t go home in the state I was in, my mom would definitely know and I didn’t need her upset any more them she already was from what they were doing. So, I went to the place I work and sat at my desk and cried for 2 hours. One person by name Juanita Gibbs of whom is my Pastor now reached out to me, not knowing my situation, said I came up heavy in her spirit and wanted to check on me. That there showed me not all church people do others wrong. Had she not reached out, I probably would have turned my back on God, the church, my purpose and more.
Still yes I need healing from all that, as I have authority issues from that and childhood. Healing has come cause I cannot hold people to not being people. I had put christians on a pedestal that we were immune to failure, which is far from the case.
This road toward healing course kept me on the path toward God and not away from God. Not turning my back on brothers and sisters in the faith. Many things have come to try to pull me off that path down the years and it is a true fight to remain in the faith.
Another time I have been on the road toward healing (and I am still on this path) to not be so negative about my overall self. To make it simple my words reflected I have a level of hate even for myself that brooded low self-esteem, not feeling valued, low worth, and more.
It was on a trip to South Carolina that this revelation came to be. The person that has been the most integral in me being on the healing road has been Juanita Gibbs. She was apart of this trip and at the closeout of the trip we all sat down and had a chat. That brought out the fact I speak down about myself and all.
I have had chats with her since about that same stuff to keep working toward levels and degrees of healing that I desperately need within my soul. Had they not begun to be healed I could have been in bad dysfunctional relationship, gave up my body to any available man, taken on friendships that wouldn’t be reciprocal and the like. The path of this healing helped me get a standard, see my value and worth. Begin to embrace and love the woman I am and who I am still working to become!
Healing is a journey! It is up to us to take the step on that path and do what is necessary to heal!
If this encouraged you in any way I would love to hear from you. Drop a comment below 💝
I have a deep wound of rejection! This wound is a scar on my soul (mind, will, and emotions) that needs to be healed. She spoke on how these things can surface in deeply intimate “ships” (friendships/marriages/families).
In taking time of reflection of the current trial I am in as of last week, that wounded soul showed out! By showed out it walked in offense, it was sarcastic, rude, disrespectful, ill-tempered, angry, depressed, and emotionally distraught! That soul is mine that I am referring to and it saddens me to even know that ugly part of me is me.
But… in saying that, its in knowing my truth, that I can walk toward freedom. That freedom will only come by truth and the word of God!
In my trial my soul wanted to amplify my situation and show me ONLY how alone I was with all that stacked against me. But my soul was in full on emotional tsunami within me! So, I wasn’t sober in thinking, I wasn’t sober in interactions with others, and I sure wasn’t sober in decision making!
Now, before I go on, I want to clarify something… sobriety isn’t just from alcohol! Sobriety is a clearness and not being affected by something. I was highly effected by my emotions and the surge of them made me emotionally intoxicated!
Yes, this is a real thing! Haven’t you noticed when you breakup the emotional surge you have, its the same just in my case wasn’t in the relationship context, but in circumstances context.
However, in all my trial last week, even though my emotions wanted me to feel alone. Thus the rise of the rejection and abandonment issues I have within, I wasn’t really fully alone. I had two amazing people show up and out to help me above and beyond.
When anyone else I had asked for help from turned me down or was unable to assist. Which, my issue that arose isn’t from them, its from my core issue within that got touched and now that I see it, it needs to be healed.
Needless to say last week I failed the test and allowed my self to walk away from the spirit, almost giving up on God, and turning my back on my spiritual family that has been there for me the most. All because of my intoxicated emotions.
This morning, the test has re-surfaced. For it to be so close, back to back it got my attention. Like God is saying get this test passed now before the next level comes. I’m close to the brink of something in the spirit and I have got to pass this test.
On my way in to work about half way my journey, I heard a roaring and I pulled over to find a flat tire. I eventually worked my way out of the median and onto the side of the road where it would be somewhat safer. I turned my hazard lights on and reached out to the only folks that I knew could help me in any way. As I sat there in communication with them, I noticed a truck pull up behind me. Someone actually stopped to help me with my flat tire. I had a spare, he had the jack and tools and everything to get me back on the road, I was so grateful.
After I had gotten back on the road and almost to my destination, I heard that same familiar voice within, now you got this repair, and you haven’t even gotten the other one repaired. I had to stop the player inside and focus on faith! By God is was hard when I felt the pull to just sink into depression and flesh again so hard that the war is always within ourself! Outside circumstances just bring whats inside going on to the forefront.
It is my hope that as I share my struggles and what I am going through to change me is an encouragement to others. That if I can change, so can you! Its a journey, be patient with yourself and take one step at a time.
If you enjoyed this blog leave me a comment below, I would love to hear from my readers.
I have been very discontented in my life about the fact I was single. To be perfectly honest when I saw people posting of their relationships online I was secretly bitter inside with the fact they had someone and I didn’t. I harbored those bitter, resentful, and angry feelings for years and years.
But why did I have those feelings?
Cause secretly within me I was doing several things:
1) Comparing myself to the other woman
2) Judging why did they deserved that happiness.
3) Adding to wounds of low-self esteem and feeding my own insecurities.
This was especially the case if the guy I liked entered into a relationship with someone else that was not me. Actually, it was 10x worse in some cases…depends on how much I opened my heart up to the situation and allowed myself to think things that had no validity whatsoever.
I would in my mind entertain things:
He is talking to me, he must like me
He spends time with me, he must like me
He complimented me, he thinks I’m beautiful, he must like me
All those things are very juvenile and should be what a teenager deals with in crushes and things. Which revealed a place within me that needed maturing. When those things came into my life from the opposite sex, I was easily moved! If I am not careful, it can still a happen easily.
I have a core issue within me that was exposed that needs healing. That core issue was seeing myself as worthy and valuable enough to be in that position. This core issue has been getting worked on through counseling sessions, in-depth teaching from my Pastoral leadership in target areas that are vital to the health of my inner being in this area of life.
If I don’t mature and get healing then I will be keeping myself in a perpetual cycle of hurt. It was told to me once because of the tender state of my heart when I do love cause it can be deep, that I need to guard my heart better.
Through much hurt down the years I had to learn to guard and each time it happened I had to find the lesson, find the weak place, then work on strengthening those weaknesses. I am still working on these, I can honestly say that I can see I have grown in some level.
Here’s how I know growth has come. I had a “situation-ship” that spanned about 9 months, me and the guy talked every day, like three times a day. I was so stupidly excited thinking this may be the one, which it wasn’t, he was talking to other women all along and was never serious.
This whole thing sent me into a hard downward spiral to the point I was ready to kill myself in doing an overdose. I felt like I had given so much that it was tossed like tattered clothes when it happened. I eventually got over it and moved on in life.
To my latest now this one shew was a doozy, but it revealed some growth. A guy who frequented by my job for bout a month we talked, flirted, texted, this one was hot and heavy on the flirt scale. It eventually revealed itself that this one was married.
I was totally mixed emotions about the whole thing, but never once did I entertain end my life. I removed all contact with the guy as to not continue to have him emotionally cheating on his wife. I had to seek repentance for this as to make sure I don’t reap what I sow.
In the first situation I reveal, I had made everything of who I was based off of my acceptance from that man. It was a codependency that I had created that caused me to want to end it when it didn’t work out. In between situation one and two though, my counselor had told me that a man is an accessory.
Accessories add value, but don’t make the person. I make me no matter if I have a man or not and that has been something I needed to hear, but to also accept deeply. Which has been a catalyst to help me grow on a level from being immature and moved to mature and unmoved when a man comes or goes in my life.
Now to not be distracted I have laid aside the deep need and extreme want of having a relationship to press in closer to God genuinely and fulfill those things He wants me to do in the earth to leave an impact for His glory. Its a daily struggle, but it is one I am committed to lay aside until the right Man of God comes along into my life.
“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33 KJV