Love Affair Pt 1

Sounds scandalous right!!

The love affair I am beginning is well loving myself.

I have been on a journey of self discovery for a few months now. Its been a journey to say the least. Even my writing these blogs have helped me discover hidden parts of me.

But, in actuality the self discovery began with my church teaching us about self deception, knowing our truth, loving our truth no matter what it looks like. It was this that really began to set this all in motion.

I am learning to love myself beyond all the issues in my soul that has surfaced the abandonment, rejection, comparison, acceptance, fear, doubt, worry, anxiety and depression.

Learning to work through those issues to come to a level of healing. Learning that those issues don’t define me they are part of me but they will be learned of to take control of and manage them. Learning that just because I have issues is no reason to reject myself as I have been doing.

Everyone has issues of some kind I have also learned. Like me they hide the real you, they hide the issue, hide that all is perfect and well. But, when the real test comes thats when the guard is let down and the issues are revealed. Least thats how it has been for me, the test would come and show where I was at.

I am also learning that my love has limits as to why when I see I have issues I reject even myself. This is when the fruit of the spirit of love has had to come in the more. To pull on Gods eternal love for me.

To know even in my mess God still extends grace and mercy to me to work on my short comings and be healed amd walk free from them and to help others like me at some point overcome.

Will I ever be fully free from my issues? Maybe in level as healing happens. Other issues within will require management on my part.

May I keep walking this journey day by day to love myself knowing by Faith God does no matter what.

~Love Life~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Transition

Moving from fear to faith!

When fear has been a resident inside my soul for so long I have to serve fear eviction papers. It didn’t like getting served… no way!

Fear begins to scream out:

  • This is your comfort place look how its kept you!
  • I can keep you from hurting!
  • This is the best place for you! Whats beyond this for someone like you?
  • Your fine like you are!
  • And more

The things fear will begin to scream out sound true initially as they are familiar. They are an established fortress of lies I have believed for far too long!

So, what has to happen and has begun to happen to begin to get me to shift from fear to faith?

Well…

I have to first know the voice of fear and anything else joined with it like doubt, worry, and anxiety. This way when they rise up within me I can identify the voice and begin to pull on faith and the word to counter attack the contents in my soul.

Am I doing a good job at this fight?

Some days Heck No! I fall right back into the old way.

Other days I have my sword in hand slicing and dicing every fear and anxious voice that comes up within.

I have to be repetitious in the battle. My Pastor she has taught us that:

“Repetition is the mother of success, if you want to succeed you have to keep doing it over and over and over again until it becomes your new normal” ~ Juanita Gibbs

When I fail at the battle I have to dust myself off see if I can locate the weakness and to why this test took me down and exercise ways to not let it get to me so bad in the next test.

Will I ever be free of fear? No!

Fear is an emotion and I have to learn to manage it. That fear management is real just like how anger management is real for some.

I can be very emotionally lead at times if I allow fear and any other emotion have its way. I can also be very logically lead by my own thoughts and analyzations…but that is a whole other subject.

I want to be able to manage the fear level within me to begin to live by faith over the fears. I have to keep the sword of the word of God that is truth to help me get there. Day by day I hope to make strides to keep turning from fear to faith.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Bad Friendship!

Rejection and fear have a friendship that work together in unity in a wounded soul.

When rejection happens many times over it brings damage to the soul. The soul begins to find ways to heal, but if not being healed with good methods then it adds to the wounding creating a scar within. Least thats how it has been in my life.

Wounds of rejection would happen and my healing method was to let fear come in and protect me. Fear soothed the wound that if I never get close to anyone again then the pain wouldn’t come again by another rejection. But what happened when another cane along into my life?

Well…

They would come and over time yup I let the next one right on into my heart. What happened next was any sign that they were rejecting me I would begin to close off as I was being deemed unacceptable to them. I would wall up and push them away to save the fragile pieces of my heart as best I could from fear of it happening again.

Once wounding began to create other ways of wounding myself within my soul. It was so strong the fear and rejection that I began to shut out good people that God had placed in my life making time with me very difficult. Difficult to the place that I began to expect them to leave me.

But that all stemed from fear and rejection of the past. When they have reinforced to me they are God sent and yes its proven that they are that I still fear the most that people will leave me.

I am told that faith and fear work similar just with different results. The very things I have feared that people would continually come and go has happened. But, I can only manage myself, if something about me is rejected and they want to leave then thats their reasons.

I just have to manage myself with overcoming the fear and rejection issue to not push people away and guard my heart to not take people into my heart so quickly or easily. I need to slow down allow time on the scene and let things be proven.

When God sends me people with a heart after his, yes they may judge and show concern, but also accept that they too have issues and we all are working to overcome and accept each other on our faith journey in life.

~Love Life ~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Fear Management

Heard of anger management? Fear management is just the same its learning how to control this specific emotion!

Being a fear driven person as I have been can be a job to overcome. Going on a discovery mission to find the root causes of why such fear is felt deep within side of me.

I have blogged about some of my root issues I work to overcome, so I wont revisit them in this one, but visit my page to read about them if you like. My fruit of thoses issues has become fear. There is a quote by Franklin D. Roosevelt (FDR) that was penned “you have nothing to fear but fear itself”. So lets put that in the biblical standard when Gods word says He has NOT give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Tim 1:7)

My Pastor has been showing me that fear has power just like faith does just not in the good way. So where in lays my belief is it belief in the fear or is it belief by faith….ohhhh wow that one is heavy. That takes an examination of where in fact do we give the power to manifest through our beliefs.

Cause either the very thing I fear the most and believe will happen has been given legal power and authority by my belief to back it to manifest. Has it been so? Yes!

Where if I shed the fear I have, feel it but don’t let it rule me but see where I have an open space within that fear resides to work to replace the fear with faith. Then faith can grow as long as I feed faith with faith. My soul can begin to be healed of the fear and I learn to manage it in my life.

Fear won’t go away some fear is healthy. Like having a holy fear of God or fear when you feel in danger. The fear I am referring to is a fear that is unnatural or unfounded in a belief system.

Have I learned how to fully manage my fear? No! Each testing of my faith can reveal new levels of fear I house. So, the test shows me where I am at and how much work needs to continue to be done in my soul.

I will continue to work to grow in my soul to become stable in feeling fear by using truth from the word of God when a fear flair up happens. The word is a powerful sword to begin to divide me from deception of the world that says you need things now, yesterday, years ago, etc.

When God knows full well what I need within before I walk into something and destroy it whether it be a job, a calling on my life, a friendship/relationship, etc. He will not bless, promote, or exhault before proper time.

Thank God for His wisdom and that wisdom he place on others to help lead, guide, and direct you in this life. He placed before me a leader if great wisdom and she has imparted and taught me much that I will keep using to grow in areas to be perfect (mature) in the wisdom of God in the world today.

~Love Life~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

As children of God let us no longer be a slave to fear! Check out the song link below

Fear of Change

Change in the beginning is rather daunting!

In the beginning of change it can be like full on war within. Breaking away from the old to work toward the new way you hope and invision to be.

When I choose to make the decision to shed my vast amount of negativity oh boy. I needed to have an arsenal of scripture to combat every negative word. I needed a person anointed to bring change to a life to pray me through, talk me through, be with me at my side til the battle wasn’t so intense within and managable with the tools they provided.

Two days into waging war within to move to a new way of life I was completley like “what in the world have I decided to do here!” Day 3 the war within was just as intense and I asked my Pastor was there any hope for me as the battle got worser and worser so it seemed.

The things I had built within due to years of living negativley were screamin out “don’t change its easier to be this way” and honestly it was easier to be that way as I had been that way for so long. But, my eyes had been open to what fruit of a negative life produced.

The fruit of negative is more negative. So the things within me didnt want me to change as they became comfort amd kept me bound by much fear and the fear spread to other areas of life like an infection does when it goes untreated.

My spirit longed for the change and my soul said no stay in the comfort of what you have built. By day four the battle seemed to lessen, still there but not as full on waging war within.

I recently found a scripture I used for my sunday school children that proclaimed the end of a thing is better than its beginning (Ecc 7:8) and if that isn’t ever so true I have found. The battle is confidently in the beginning.

When you see the end of it you can appreciate the fight put up to get to the end of it with his grace, strength, and mercy. Cause many times I am weak in the battle as I see no hope in changing and I see that is the fear within trying to have its way to prevent change and live differently.

Have I shed fear? No! Fear is part of human nature. It is like my pastor tells me its how we deal with the emotion and thoughts related when they come. She says yes feel them, learn why they showed up and work to not dwelling in them to lead me. As fear has lead my life for far too long as it is. With the tools she is giving me I am learning to slowly manage me better as my self management is my job. God graces us to do it for ourself, but He won’t do the work for us!

~Love Life~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia

Status is not a final definition of life!!

Single, married, divorced, widowed, etc these “statuses” should NOT define the whole of a person!

Yes I am single!!!

So what?

Does that fully define my womanhood? Perhaps in the worldly mindset of if your single your seen as undesired and something wrong with you. Especially if SINGLE is your status into your 30s.

I am constantly asked by people close and total strangers alike are you married? Do you have children? When I reply NO that begins to issue a whole other level of questions. Don’t you want to get married and have children? YES! It just hasn’t happened for me yet! I will wait for Gods perfect timing for all things especially in the relationship regard.

Sorry to burst your bubble people but people no matter their age are human and have feelings and sometimes question can open up things unknowingly on the questioners part to the questionee. Why do we not take into consideration how people may feel when asked certain questions about a status.

Just because I have not modeled my life similar to that of the world, it does not mean I am a freak and that any and all like me should be banished from society and put on a deserted island some where. To live behind walls of a worldy defining status I have done for too long as it is. Single life is to be cherished for what it is.

I am free to go and do!

I am free to give to the kingdom!

I am free to serve the kingdom!

I am free until such time as God may promote me to a different status!

Feeling depressed or lonely based of a “status” has only take away from the joy I can experiance now in my freedom of doing all God has set my hands to do now. I have great support in this season of singleness in a true friend who is there for me no matter the hour, no matter what they have goin on, no matter whatever they are there when I need someone the most.

I am working on being the best version of myself and walking toward healing in areas as to why I remain single. This is part of Gods plan for now to get my inner workings healed, deliver and set free. So my “status” doesn’t fully define me! Its only a small part of me.

Please note: I write none of this for sympathy or pity! I write this to bring awareness for myself and other single sisters out there in the world.

I also write to encourage them, as well as, myself! Stay strong if your single! Do all your hands are set to in this time, better yourself, heal from hurts of broken relationships and wait on God while seeking His kingdom first! So can do the work while we rest on the promise and in time if its His will as we trust he can bring it to pass.

~Love Live ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Ambiverts discontentment!

Caught between and introvert and extrovert!

How can it be that you have tendancies of both ways of being and be discontent?

Well for me as I am known to have both tendancies my discontentment comes from many things. Having walls as a safety built inside causes me to wall or shut people out very much from the damage in my soul and the seclusion for many years of being introvertish.

Over time and things changing in my life I branched out and did more things and I wanted to be around people even to the point of allowing things I shouldn’t have that caused pain later on.

Being thirsty for companionship of a friend I spent many years chasing people to be a friend to me after a mere nice thing said when the reality was. They was just being nice and moving on. So the extrovertish way of thirsting for people to be around to find a level of validation was an hurtful one to keep walking through.

So the wanting to be around people to the point of almost feeling like it was needed and they wouldnt remain, issued a layer of rejection. Which they only rejected the fact they didnt want a frienship, just wanted to be nice and go on with life. This aided in the walls of the introvertish ways to remain walled up to prevent continual pain.

This is how this ambivert found discontentment within. The issue of wanting to be around people and they not wanting to be around me and the way I can shut them out due to being a bit introvertish is a bit of a battle inwardly.

But, shedding the light on my battle may help another if they find themself like I have beginning to take down the walls with people I know and can trust that have proved they accept me faults and all, as well as, now learning to guard better that no, not everyone will be a friend they can be polite and keep moving and it will keep my heart from being open to more hurt or rejection.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Reflections…

Fall can be a season of reflection.

Looking back over the course of the year and reflecting on all its happenings. What a year it has been! Changes in many things, but has the true change taken place. The change that matters most? Probably not!

Finding myself in a holding pattern to settle down and find out whats really going on with me on the inside and learning the truth of all things. Finally taking accountablity for myself and what I have allowed in this life.

Is it easy to walk through? Is fire not hot! But to know truth you have to walk through things and take the wisdom gained from them with you when out of the fire.

Have I obtained this revelation fully? No! But, I am learning that there is a plan and purpose for all things. Whether good, bad or ugly I am accepting their reality for what they are and working in the weaknesses to not succumb to the same things. Its a work and a work that needs done within me and I am the only one who can do the work.

For once my truth is accepted as what it is with in me its only then that I can begin to step toward freedom. One day in time as I keep working on myself and the issues of the soul that I have, freedom will be found. But only as long as I surrender to the work that God wants accomplished.

Have I fully surrendered? No! I have liked keeping a victim mentality, I have liked being seen as less then, but why right? Because those things have become a comfort in the soul, which, is truly deceit and dysfunction in the soul of mine.

So, now I am strivig to find my own sure footing and trust God in all things that He knows whats best. For his ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Power Hungry Fortresses!

We may not realize it, but how our behaviors indicate our hunger for power and control!

Things happen to us, around us, and within us most all the time. Its all in how we perceive, receive and deal with what happens to us of how much it will either reinforce a fortress (stronghold) in our mind or bring it down. These are some of my walls built inside me that engage when things happen.

For me, having such lack of proper nutrients in formative years, and rejection, abandonmemt, comparison and acceptance issues all these things have been a strong fortress within my soul.

As I have blogged about already these things within take time to overcome, as they, like Rome were not built in a day, but in a lifetime up to the point of beginning to confront and deal with them.

Sitting in church last night during discussion time I began to see where I had been using all the bad things of my past to control and manipulate my surroundings in some way. I was shocked at my behavior and devistated that I would allow such power to over rule the power of God. All because of these fortresses within me, when things would happen everything inside of me began to hasten to regain control that felt lost.

In reality of the matter, care came into my life in the form of my Pastor to shed light on an area I dearly needed addressing or I would continue to walk around open to hurt, pain, wounding the more.

Care and love in a soul that lacked knowing of any of such things growing up is foreign and not received graciously in the beginning as it is like paving a new road. Hitting rocks, holes and all such desbrie to clear a path of what is good in the uncharted territory of a soul like mine. I do pray in time as I tackle the negative still within, continue to tackle the fortresses with truth to take them down that a newness will begin to take shape in my life.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰

Visit my Pastor Juanita Gibbs blog:

wholebodywellness365.wordpress.com

Stunted Growth!

My mind has kept me from some growth!!

How is that so right?

Well its like going through school its a learning process. If my mind hasn’t grown or developed in certain areas then I will not be so mature in some areas of life. Boy oh boy has that proven time and time again in different areas.

Limited experiance and not encountering certain situations in life has stunted me in ways I had not realized til recently when some things were presented to me.

I have not been a person that has been too close to too many people in a friendship manner in well most of my life. When people would come and tell me nice things or like something I had done I would latch to the words, feelings and at times the person like a leech. To only end in hurt most of the times when the people were merely being nice to me and moving on, I was looking for the more behind it.

To only see how my soul searched, hungered, and thirsted for love nourishment and validation on the human level. Lacking proper nutrients in formative years of growing is such effect if not dealt with as one continues to grow in life.

Now that these things I see within myself I have to better guard my heart (Phil 4:7) and my soul (Psalm 25:20) in this life as its my job to do. God graced me and anyone else with the power and ability to do these things its a matter of doing the work and being consistent about the work as my Pastor teaches us at my church.

Is it going to be easy? NO! Thats why its called work and a fight of faith. But, it is a fight worth fighting and a work worth doing to change things within me in this life.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia πŸ˜‰