“Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not. Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.” 1 John 3:1-2 KJV
The World, our environment, how we were raised, our subconscious (our mind), and others can impact how we see ourself and thus label ourselves.
We get labeled by doctors, out bank accounts, our level of education, what we do in church, our past, if we have a criminal background and so much more.
These labels can if allowed to do so deeply cripple a person. It takes time to build a strong constitution of self belief with in a person that has been put down, ridiculed, excluded, outcast, ostracized, scapegoated, black sheeped, etc.
So much of my past I have been labeled the fat one, the depressed one, the one who had made nothing of her life, the constantly broke, the anxious one, the one that went to college and doesn’t use it. The one forever in her parents home, the one who will never marry, the one who is unworthy….and on, and on, and one…
In part some if those labels came from very harsh misjudgment, some seeing from only how their life and others around them; and how their life has unfolded. Some came from hardships and taking on labels prescribed by others. Some labels have been factions of all those negative labels working together and creating more negative labels for me to live by. But, it has and will continue to take hard work on my part to live beyond the labels.
The last maybe 5 years have been spent working on layers upon layers of negativity. Shedding label by label in progressive steps toward seeing my life in new eyes and to place myself on a new trajectory that only I can adjust the path to realign with my true purpose and destiny in life.
As each layer had been dealt with things and people have fallen out or have been removed from my life so that I can keep going forward. This will be my life’s journey and one only I can do. Those who come along and stick with me in it great! To those who fall off or are removed I pledge you many blessings as you go on in your life.
There is freedom in living beyond labels!
Thank you for taking time to read my blog! I wish you all a Merry Christmas/Holiday Season!
It all began the same way, stuffy nose, slight congestion due to drainageand the normal feeling awful that comes with not being well.
Lived with that for a day, thought nothing of it at that point as the weather had drastically changed at that point. However, the next day that night in between at some point my controlled tinnitus I’ve had since my first round of COVID in Oct 2020 had turned wide open again. First red flag. So, I knew I had taken a specific allergy med that helped keep the volume of that down and attributed the issues I was having to seasonal allergies. By the end of that day, I felt even more awful.
Got off work and headed home, by this point I was feeling like I was gonna fall apart, fatigue was setting in, red flag #2. So, I decided to stop to the pharmacy across from my house to get a cold med as it was at that point teetering between being an allergy cold and a seasonal cold. Went in the store masked up nowadays, if you even have a hint of suspicion of COVID folks are ready to string you up. Ran in, got the liquid cold med and got home, to want to check to see if I had a fever before I started taking the meds. Of course at that moment I did have a fever of 99.9, totally not a good thing and Red flag #3.
Later that night I began to have chills all over as I was sleeping and the bouts of fever and no fever again. Red flag #4. At this point it was a Friday night going into Saturday and with already having these issues I was like I need to go and get a COVID test. Saturday came, I finally mustered up enough strength to get dressed and drive around to the testing facility, to only roll up and find them closed because of the college town I reside in had a game goin on that day. The sign said they would reopen on Sunday at 1pm.
Sunday finally came around after Saturdays exhaustion of going out trying to get tested then hunting for the at home COVID tests of which this whole big town was out of. By this time I had found out I had lost my ability to smell and taste some items. Red flag #5. Also, through the night I had had a whole body spasm in which it didn’t release til 3 hours later. I was in so much pain.
I Left my home at 10 min til 1pm to only find the place packed out at the testing facility. An hour later after I had gotten there they shut down accepting anyone else into the site. It took me 2 hours and 15 min to be processed all the way through from entry to test that day. When I filled out my paperwork I had actively 6 symptoms of COVID two of which I’ve battled for nearly a year now.
It was finally my turn to get closer to being tested as I was under the first carport. They took my ID and clipboard and went to have my testing kit for me prepared for the next carport. One of the worker ladies in the first carport told me that by 1pm there was well over 200 in the parking lot setup to get tested. Then to only tell me that the day prior, one of their machines that processes our test went down. So, its Sunday and well over 200 tests, it would not be the 24hr turn around as it was for me last year. I did the math and this test was my 6th COVID test within a year.
Finally got to the last carport and the young man doing my test we got talking and he too had not long recovered from having COVID in May 2021. We both experience some of the same post COVID related issues.
Now that I had been tested and even Saturday (the day before) I had been working hard on isolation and keeping germs contained and clean and so many more precautions. Going into Monday knowing I need to work and that my test results could go either way. I kept to myself I sanitized my desk at every nose blow or cough to keep things contained and isolated. Monday came and no results. That night I knew I needed to figure out how to access my mychart for test results from the hospital system I tested through.
I finally got into my mychart to see further no results posted. I had to pray my answer would come Tuesday. Woke up Tuesday morning at usual of 6am to find my email had a notification in it that a result had been posted to mychart. I slid that screen notification across to get in there to see finally what my fate would be. In my mind I was positive with this monster called COVID again.
To open my results to only see that I had tested:
Completely baffled and in praise to God that I tested negative. This whole ordeal triggered everything that I’ve had going on in my body since battling COVID in the first place and folks wonder why Im not for the vaccine. This is why! Im still battling its effects just having contracted the actual virus!
But thats a whole other post for another day!
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Today marks 20 years ago since that fateful day where our lives changed for many years in days, weeks, months, and years that follow the tragic attack on the twin towers and the Pentagon, and the hero’s that took down flight 93 from doing more harm.
In wake of the first attack on America soil in decades. This one major life event truly impacted the globe, as many Americans and internationals were part of the events of that fateful day.
I recall in the days, months and year ahead of the day known as Patriots day, everywhere and everyone considered themselves to be New Yorkers. The level of patriotism was at an all time high we were united under one front of banning together to stand strong, when we had been knocked to our knees in a devastating way.
For the first time, in what felt like a lifetime had passed that everyone seemed to suddenly care about their neighbor so to speak. The country had pulled together so tightly, that I don’t recall til many years had passed that devision had begun to make its way back in on a strong marginalized scale.
Now today, twenty years later there is devision based on the color of the skin so strongly that riots have occurred, there is divisiveness against standing with or agains law enforcement figures, there is division based in if your now vaccinated or not with the covid vaccines…and on and on and on…
At every turn now there is more hate and discord then there is true unity as there once was 20 years ago. The tragedy that is COVID has caused so much strife. Yet in one fateful day when many were taken, many became hero’s, many became survivors, many became New Yorkers. That now we stand at odds like 20 years ago didn’t happen.
Maybe today, this fateful day can remind us once again to unite and stand together and not against each other!
“Why standest thou afar off, O Lord? why hidest thou thyself in times of trouble?” Psalm 10:1 KJV
There comes a point each year for me that a mode of questioning everything comes around, I have taken note of when learning to pay attention to myself. By this, I mean learning to observe my thoughts and emotions to hopefully gain better control of myself when they want to tale the wheel and drive me in this lifetime. After all, it is called self-control and not others-control.
I have to acknowledge these times and yes know that my thoughts and feelings are valid and then lessen their power by doing so in acknowledging them. This then allows me a doorway to finding out the root of whats going on with me.
For three days now…
I have been in an introspective, intense thinking, re-observation of things that have played out that has well triggered this space of dwelling in my thoughts for too long and not combatting them with truth.
Its funny how I’ve been built where I can revisit situations, conversations, times and places and see it from as if an out of body perspective on the same things my conscious mind may not have initially comprehended at the time when the situation occurred. Course in my pre-mature stage, that allowed me to see things in a twisted way in their revisiting and able to repaint it in a way that appeased my soul.
I’ve had to learn through progression to se things in truth and for what they really where. Did I take something the wrong way when it was said and when I got all offended, was that really have how I should have taken it. Was there any validity in the statement, was their something I needed to see about myself, or was it a projection from an issue from the other person.
These are things that are hard to grow in. Its taken me years and years. Even to this day I still have to do this. But, the time from reaction to fixing it has been progressively getting shorter and shorter. I still have such a long way to go.
I sit back looking and observing things at work, at home, in my interpersonal connections… then not dealing with things properly…
I wonder…have they lied to me
I wonder…do they even really give one care bout me
I wonder…why do they have anything to do with me
I wonder…why they got close to others and not me
I wonder…why wasn’t I chosen
And on, and on, and on
This tailspin happens to the point of where It will cause me to shut down and block out everyone. Yes, this is something that has been on repeat in my life and something I have taken note of that I do.
But why do I do this…
It all boils down to lack of healthy things a child needs when growing up. I lacked validation of my humanity and who I am as a person from a very early age. My parents were hard working individuals and provided everything within their means for us…Yet, I have emotionally lacked.
It is up to me to fix this and validate myself by enlisting the truth of God’s word on who I am, how much I am loved, how much I am here for a purpose for His kingdom, how much He has His hand upon my very life.
Last year I could have died when I had COVID and yet I am still here for a purpose.
No matter who comes and who goes
No matter who validates you or not
No matter what happens or not
I believe without a shadow of a doubt, that my God is with me til the end…the one and only answer to all of Life’s Questions.
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Surrendering visions and dreams of what we thought our life would look like at certain milestones of life; can be some of the hardest things to release.
I lost my mom in 2016 to Kidney failure and of course many other health conditions that attributed to her final days. I was only at the time 32 years old.
As time has passed and my life continues to change, I often wonder what it would be like if she was still here. Course the last year and half with all thats going ok in the world, I’m glad she isn’t here to deal with the turmoil and mayhem and mess that covid and do much else has put on the world.
Then I wonder about further down the road when I may get married and have a family; she won’t be here to help me pick out a dress, she won’t be here to welcome home a grandchild.
So many things like that have been lost to me when she passed. Whats worse is that the day she passed away and my emotionally detached father and brother of course remain; but I still feel like an orphan.
Surrendering the dream of having so much of what I’ve seen others have to grow and watch their parents age gracefully and pass at ripe old ages. Somehow, thats not been my lot in life.
Learning to come to grips even four years our is something I need to express this nugget of repressed grief. I know I never processed the death of my mother fully.
I tried putting these words together before mother’s day and all I could do was sob. Of course, as I am now writing this as well. But, the difference between this week and two weeks ago, I’ve released resentment and anger of her passing. Realizing that I had her for 32 years of being my mom and my best friend. Now she is at rest and peace no longer in pain, no longer suffering, no longer governed by this earth. I know she resides on glory, even in dialysis she spent her days witnessing.
Surrendering this I feel the weight of it lifting slowly from my soul, will I still grieve, of course. Will it be as painful, no, it will be happy tears of times of joy and well spent time together.
Letting go of things are necessary at times, cause it can hold us back in other ways. I pray that as I push forth from releasing, I can hopefully not be blocked from things my soul housed within it, that needed dealing with.
What could be holding you back?
Is it time to surrender?
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In my darkest hour of receiving the call from the nurse to say, “Ms. Gunn, your COVID-19 test results came back as positive, you will need to isolate yourself ASAP!”
Needless to say an immediate rush of every kind of emotion rose up within my body! Many I had to tell because I was positive incase they were exposed by proxy of me. Everyone I had been around never got it from me!
But, thats not the point of this blog…
This blog is gonna go to a deeper level of what I faced in those dark 22 days of isolation…
In isolation during having COVID-19 you are in a way at the time I had it, doubly isolated. Before I contracted the virus we were limited to what we could do, what stores were open, the amount of people that could gather together was restricted to 10 people.
So, in an already isolated state, I contracted Covid-19, that sent me to the next level of isolation, which was complete isolation. No human contact unless by cellphone, social media, or people being masked up, gloved up, and highly socially distanced for everyones safety as the contagion that COVID is, is highly spreadable in the simplest of circumstances.
It was in this time, between battling fevers, trying to hydrate, trying to fight the virus with over-the-counter medicine, trying to keep strength up that its so taxing not just on the body, but on the mind as well!
In this state of battling and my father still within the dwelling with me…socially distanced of course and I took every precaution so he wouldn’t catch it from me and He didn’t, he remains unexposed to what I had going on.
In those 22 days my biological father, only asked me twice if I was ok.
Needless to say the journey of this isolation process, made come to surface every daddy issue I could have. Yes I admit it to the world here and now!
I have Daddy issues!
The first week battling covid was the worst as thats when most if this boiled to the surface of my soul(mind, will,and emotions). By week two I was determined to use my isolation time to not only heal and recover from COVID, but to begin to heal the wounds in my soul from a disconnected father figure.
It has taken me weeks to put this together piece-by-piece to not only heal but to deal with layer upon layer of my father issues.
The time my father tried to commit suicide was the final straw that sealed the deal to all my issues and truly shown me my earthly fathers disjointed love toward his own daughter.
In his state of mental disconnect…of which many told me and still tell me to not take personal due to the state of mind he was in hurt and damaged me truly to the core of my being in a way even I can’t find any words to group that could make it understandable.
He took the pills and was rushed to the hospital. From there under intense evaluation and surveillance. One by one we were allowed back to see him. Being as my mother was in a wheelchair and handicap she couldn’t be left alone. So it was my brother and I who took turns goin back with mom, while she sat with dad. When it was my turn I went back and with the straightest face, cold, dark, soul-less eyes he looked at me and asked me who I was. Immediate heartbreak sat in my soul and I turned and walked out and told my brother to go back with our mother. It took him two days to remember who I was.
To this day being my fathers caregiver it hurts to the core knowing the true feelings of his heart that to him I am easily forgotten and that there is little to no love within him towards me.
Another level would be deeper into my childhood. You see things online and social media of how a father is a girls first love, a fathers character is what she looks for in her husband, a father is one that a girl in a way idolizes for all the men in her life.
For me, I didn’t have that kind if father growing up. My father was and is unemotionally connected to me. He never reflected in ways the kind of man I would ever want to be with. Now, with that said, my father was a strong provider. He worked hard to keep a roof over our head and food on table. He and my mother took time to save and take us on wonderful vacations, learning experiences and such. The emotional side is what lacked and thats what the soul needs to flourish and grow and mature healthy.
My time during COVID allowed me to sit still, fully isolated from all human connection. To allow the truest of true the Father’s Love of God to come and begin to work and heal patches within my soul.
God sat me down to see that He loves me, He used vessels of other people to show that to me when isolated. Those who brought me food, those who financially supported me, those who lovingly in genuine love for me in their life, checked on my personal well-being. That opened my heart up to be healed on a level of the father abandonment issues I have housed within my soul.
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:” Ecclesiastes 3:1 KJV
It’s hard to understand sometimes why seasons change, especially when we aren’t the one’s in charge of making the change.
Like last year about this time the global season of being outgoing, carefree, vivacious, and free came to a screeching halt during the time the pandemic of COVID-19 become more impacting to us all.
The season of the pandemic seemed to take us back to yester year when we connected genuinely with one another. A season in which family became more paramount. A season of loss in many ways, such as life, job, finances, and so much more. A time this has been, that I would say probably six months of 2020 really revealed what and who was important in this world. The shops we went to closed cause they were deemed “non-essential” the sporting events deemed “non-essential” what became essential where Parents to be home while their children home schooled from computers. Front line workers of Doctors, nurses, EMTs, truck drivers, teachers, and anyone working in essential business became what was vitally important in the season.
What’s begun to happen since that season came upon us?
The restrictions and limitations have been slowly shedding…
What’s been happening as a result of that?
We’ve not stayed so deeply connected with one another. We are allowing the times to go right back into ruling our schedule. When, I wholeheartedly believe that season of shutdown globally, if people had allowed God into it, they would see that He used that season to show us what was TRULY important. He to me revealed the level of Christian brotherly and sisterly love that could come forth during such isolating times. People genuinely checked on one another, people begun to see their deep need of true community, people could see that being an island to ourself is lonely.
When the world used it to say, ok the shops are open go spend your money. Go out and support local! Which, there is nothing wrong with doing that in a way that it doesn’t consume your entire life. Helping one another yes is a God command, but why soon as restrictions let up we are all ready to head to the shops and hang out on isle 7. Yet, we still refuse to gather in Houses of Prayer due to fear of the virus. How is the virus not on isle 7 and yet its on the third church pew, that is some thinking I will never understand.
Seasons Change and some we have control in making come about, when I changed jobs that was one season change I had a hand in. Yet still even before the verdict of being accepted at the new job, God presented a choice, remain or leave… the choice was mine as we have all been given free-will to choose. I chose to leave the old job, and since I have, my anxiety level has drastically decreased. My level of worries changed. My thought shifted to new things.
Don’t get me wrong sometimes season change and bring wonderful things like new love, a wedding, a child, a promotion, a raise. Seasons changing is part of life whether we have a say or not… it will forever be what we make of the season while we are in it. That lesson alone has taken me a while to grasp in my mindset. I’m slowly getting there!
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! May it encourage you & give you hope!
In life, the time will never be right, but when God presents an opportunity; it is then up to us to trust the presentation and take a step of faith!
“Listen carefully, I am about to do a new thing, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even put a road in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:19 AMP
I’ve written about this before somewhere I am sure, but the relevancy is so present in my life the month of February that it needs to be expressed again. Many times we pray to God for things like: “God, I need a new job” or “God, I want someone to love me for who I am” or “God, I need you to make changes around me”.
But what happens when the new job opportunity comes and you decide to stay where you are at.
What happens when the guy/girl comes along that will love you for who you are, but they are outside of your type.
What happens when God wants to change something about your character instead of fully removing you from situations, he wants to perfect something in you, but all you see is the error of others and not your own.
We have all in some way or another done one if not all three of those things I’ve mentioned. I know I have! But, what I’ve had to grow into and learn is to seek God about what He is wanting to do, trying to do, and presenting in my life. Now, not everything is from God, this is why we must turn to the Lord in prayer to find out the storyline behind things.
“Trust in and rely confidently on the LORD with all your heart And do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know and acknowledge and recognize Him, And He will make your paths straight and smooth [removing obstacles that block your way].” Proverbs 3:5-6 AMP
If I hadn’t sat my pride down in moment when I wanted out and allowed God to work through my character defects, would I have been able to eventually get a breakthrough in an area thats been long barred from exiting. No! Had I not done the work which allowed God to use an individual to help me grow from my character defects to help promote me to my next level of an opportunity that came that would remove things like poverty, low self worth, and intense levels of anxiety, high levels of offense that none of those things would translate to where God was able to move me to had the work I needed done on my soul not been achieved.
I have so many more character flaws and defects to work through and overcome, but I am committed to making the changes I need to in this life. To improve my quality of life in all areas, as well as, preparing me for when the next opportunity comes in; which I pray is divine partnership of two Godly people. So, since its not presented I may not be ready yet and thats cool, cause I can work out the kinks I need to before they show up to make sure that I am not bringing in more fuel to a situation that the enemy fights against! Oh yeah Satan hates seeing Godly partnerships, so anything I can do now to not allow him a foot hold when that time comes I am all for slamming that door shut by doin the work I need to do on myself.
“When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.” Psalms 94:19 NASB
Learning to cope and manage my stress levels has been and is one of the most daunting and laborious tasks. I am far from having any great success in it as I am still so deeply learning the concepts of time management, being aware of my emotions, learning to step back and self-parent, learning when to reach out for counsel, and more…
On Saturday and Sunday after I blogged, I cleaned house, did laundry, grocery shopped and began mea prep, I successfully got a lasagna made that my dad (of whom I am a caregiver to) enjoyed. I made a large crockpot of spaghetti and got all the clothes put away, floors cleaned then my Post Covid fatigue hit me so hard like a ton of bricks before I could bake the lasagna and prep my lunches for the week. That it took an hour to recover to even wash the dishes before i had to stop to fight the tinnitus flair, sinus swelling flair and the body just not wanting to cooperate.
I did all this last weekend in the knowing that two days would be spent beating a many a road taking my dad to his first covid test that is now mandatory before any procedure, then taking him for breakfast, to then head a completely different direction to take a drug test, to then leave there to head to my current place of employment. That night I had to sketch out an entire day of a liquid diet for my father to follow as I would be at work and he would need to partake of the liquids I had acquired to have a successful procedure the next day. He called a few times in frustration wanting solid food and not understanding the plan of his diet. After got him settled and ok it was then time to map out his plan of his intake of solutions before his procedure and account for travel time as all this had to be done within a certain length of time. Needless to say the day of the procedure went smooth (Thank God).
This all happening while working one job, that is in total freak out mode as of the end of January, I will be leaving and moving on to new horizons. So light transitional contact will have to be there til they have more sure footing.
I know that my level of dedication, work ethic that had been above and beyond any call of duty, my level of sacrifice will not be matched. However, I do know that some level of my work is “replaceable”, for that I am no fool. When the value of a person that had done so much for so little is not appreciated or seen the value in, all the more revealing of a time to move on. For some, my missing presence will be felt, for others I am sure could careless if I am out of their life. I have had to grow to a place of knowing when to hold em and when to fold em so to speak.
I am learning to become grateful of weeks like this past week. I could have gotten offended, walled off, shut down, and gone completely off the deep end, instead I looked at every lesson as an opportunity to grow in some way. Whether it be identifying a trigger reaction within myself, realizing a level of pride that needs humbling, or seeing when I am in my flesh and not living by the spirit.
It is in this year 2021, that I want to change more of who I am in developing a Godly character in things that I long need to develop them in. I want to bot only manifest this next step that has been supported and governed by prayer and my prayer partners. That I want to manifest some big things into my life this year as well, things still unseen in the natural, but my spirit embraces them, my subconscious see’s the manifestation and my conscious faith will pull it into reality.
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“For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.” Mark 11:23 KJV
More and more as I journey along the road of life and the life as a believer in Jesus Christ, at different junctures we will often need a new level of faith. For unto us a measure was given, it then becomes our job to work that faith, grow the faith, and manifest from that faith.
Back in 2017 God had to put me in a place to grow my faith to believe for a vehicle after mine put me down. He had already begun to soften my heart when I was already half way through a negativity detox of my soul. He also made sure to surround me with people that would encourage that faith and help keep the fire stoked to see a manifestation of God opening opportunity when every odd was against me to obtain a new/used vehicle.
I had to grow that level of faith from the measure I was given as a believer. As time passed and that level of faith saw me through my battle with COVID and survived to talk about it, show to others God at work in my COVID battle and more. When you hit the end of a grade level and pass the test, your often sent to the next level, it will be new, it will take an even greater faith in that next level.
But, what about the grey area of passing the test and then the next grade promotion? Reflect on the lessons learned, see how you don’t just allow anyone in your ear to convince you that your choices are wrong. See how you have grown and showed strength instead of emotionalism. See how your able to stand for what you are truly worth instead of what others may see you as to keep an upper hand on you!
In the grey area, real hearts are exposed!
In the grey area agendas are revealed!
In the grey area you see that folks purposely withheld!
In the grey area you see truth and please don’t ignore it!
I have so much more to grow in as it relates to faith so that more mountains can be moved. I have of recent had ear-mites “attempt” to deter my path by saying things of “I wish you went to a mega church so you can find your husband” or “I wish you luck in what your about to do and I hope it works out”!
I stopped them in those moment and said I am going to church where I am supposed to be going. Your opinion of that holds no relevance and my husband of whom God will send yes will be a church going man! When the time comes God will send him to visit my church. God works in the small better then he ever will in the “mega”! I also stopped the one about my current choices and I said boldly that yes it will work out! For they have no idea of the mountain it was to cross. These folks that said this may have been an “elder” in age, but the wisdom of God supersedes that when His spirit is in something and not the opinions of flesh and folks that have lived their life already!
When peoples opinions or the worlds opinions hold you back from something God has His hand upon its time to take a look at the hand you allow to steer your life.
Have you allowed the worlds view of money rule your every decision? If so, holding on to the energy of money only keeps it away from you! Freely giving of finances is an energy that creates an open flow.
When you allow “peers” to influence your choice of church because of their ideals that is an energy of control that we must be careful of. The energy of free-will is God-given, exercise it. Fast, pray, seek outside council to help you hear from God on what is destined for your life.
Folks may have “somewhat” good intentions in mind, but not every intention is pure in nature. Be wise and seek answers before choosing based on someone else’s life choices. Cause in the end it will be your faith and what of it you choose to operate from that will help you move mountains in life and reach your destiny!