Fear of Change

Change in the beginning is rather daunting!

In the beginning of change it can be like full on war within. Breaking away from the old to work toward the new way you hope and invision to be.

When I choose to make the decision to shed my vast amount of negativity oh boy. I needed to have an arsenal of scripture to combat every negative word. I needed a person anointed to bring change to a life to pray me through, talk me through, be with me at my side til the battle wasn’t so intense within and managable with the tools they provided.

Two days into waging war within to move to a new way of life I was completley like “what in the world have I decided to do here!” Day 3 the war within was just as intense and I asked my Pastor was there any hope for me as the battle got worser and worser so it seemed.

The things I had built within due to years of living negativley were screamin out “don’t change its easier to be this way” and honestly it was easier to be that way as I had been that way for so long. But, my eyes had been open to what fruit of a negative life produced.

The fruit of negative is more negative. So the things within me didnt want me to change as they became comfort amd kept me bound by much fear and the fear spread to other areas of life like an infection does when it goes untreated.

My spirit longed for the change and my soul said no stay in the comfort of what you have built. By day four the battle seemed to lessen, still there but not as full on waging war within.

I recently found a scripture I used for my sunday school children that proclaimed the end of a thing is better than its beginning (Ecc 7:8) and if that isn’t ever so true I have found. The battle is confidently in the beginning.

When you see the end of it you can appreciate the fight put up to get to the end of it with his grace, strength, and mercy. Cause many times I am weak in the battle as I see no hope in changing and I see that is the fear within trying to have its way to prevent change and live differently.

Have I shed fear? No! Fear is part of human nature. It is like my pastor tells me its how we deal with the emotion and thoughts related when they come. She says yes feel them, learn why they showed up and work to not dwelling in them to lead me. As fear has lead my life for far too long as it is. With the tools she is giving me I am learning to slowly manage me better as my self management is my job. God graces us to do it for ourself, but He won’t do the work for us!

~Love Life~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia

Paralyzing Fear!!

Fear can rise up within to such a place where your paralzyed in a sense.

How can that be right?

Well…..

For me fear began to creep its way in my life through the issues and strongholds in my mind I battle of comparison, acceptance, rejection and abandonment, as well as, having a tender too wide open heart.

Being a woman in my 30s its been a journey of life to this point as there are some things I have yet to blog about but as I am lead I will begin to share them, but for now I will stick with this.

Single at any age can be well what it is alone for the most part. I have had an overwhelming fear most of this life of mine that certain things would not find me, be for me due to the fear housed with in. This goes back to what I blogged about yesterday about F.O.M.O. I had a fear of missing out on what others got to enjoy and be part of in life and that kept me paralyzed in a state of frenzy and haste for a long time. Wearing myself out in my strength to make things be that were obviously not of him. Test after test you would think I would have learned but thats the paralyzing effect of what fear can do.

But the fear is not of God it is a worldly and not of this world fear to keep me from pressing on into what my purpose is in life.

When people fell away from my life distraction was removed and I was then faced to deal with me, the woman in the mirror. It was a battle on my councelor/life coach side to help me see truth, accept reality, and let go of bitterness and strife I once felt.

Slowly, layer by layer fear has begun to fade and flee and I will not give into the fear as much as I can in my human strength, but Gods strength meets me in the weakness. As fear has begun to flee, love and genuine Godly agape love has begun to fill the voids in the soul pushing out the fear where, faith, hope and love can begin to abide.

Are they abiding deep within me? Faith, Hope and Love? No at this time I can honestly say they are not. But day by day I want to be a little better at abiding in them then I was the days, weeks, months or years prior to this point. To be where I can say I only live once (Y.O.L.O.) and I am working by grace of his strength to learn wisdom, truth applicable to my life and walk and become the best version on me I can be in life.

If your reading this and battle fear know that there is hope. Retrain your mind and see positive over negative. Yes it will be hard as I walk through this myself. But in time as you keep at the work fear will begin to flee and faith, hope and love can reside where fear once was.

~Love Life ~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Ambiverts discontentment!

Caught between and introvert and extrovert!

How can it be that you have tendancies of both ways of being and be discontent?

Well for me as I am known to have both tendancies my discontentment comes from many things. Having walls as a safety built inside causes me to wall or shut people out very much from the damage in my soul and the seclusion for many years of being introvertish.

Over time and things changing in my life I branched out and did more things and I wanted to be around people even to the point of allowing things I shouldn’t have that caused pain later on.

Being thirsty for companionship of a friend I spent many years chasing people to be a friend to me after a mere nice thing said when the reality was. They was just being nice and moving on. So the extrovertish way of thirsting for people to be around to find a level of validation was an hurtful one to keep walking through.

So the wanting to be around people to the point of almost feeling like it was needed and they wouldnt remain, issued a layer of rejection. Which they only rejected the fact they didnt want a frienship, just wanted to be nice and go on with life. This aided in the walls of the introvertish ways to remain walled up to prevent continual pain.

This is how this ambivert found discontentment within. The issue of wanting to be around people and they not wanting to be around me and the way I can shut them out due to being a bit introvertish is a bit of a battle inwardly.

But, shedding the light on my battle may help another if they find themself like I have beginning to take down the walls with people I know and can trust that have proved they accept me faults and all, as well as, now learning to guard better that no, not everyone will be a friend they can be polite and keep moving and it will keep my heart from being open to more hurt or rejection.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Reflections…

Fall can be a season of reflection.

Looking back over the course of the year and reflecting on all its happenings. What a year it has been! Changes in many things, but has the true change taken place. The change that matters most? Probably not!

Finding myself in a holding pattern to settle down and find out whats really going on with me on the inside and learning the truth of all things. Finally taking accountablity for myself and what I have allowed in this life.

Is it easy to walk through? Is fire not hot! But to know truth you have to walk through things and take the wisdom gained from them with you when out of the fire.

Have I obtained this revelation fully? No! But, I am learning that there is a plan and purpose for all things. Whether good, bad or ugly I am accepting their reality for what they are and working in the weaknesses to not succumb to the same things. Its a work and a work that needs done within me and I am the only one who can do the work.

For once my truth is accepted as what it is with in me its only then that I can begin to step toward freedom. One day in time as I keep working on myself and the issues of the soul that I have, freedom will be found. But only as long as I surrender to the work that God wants accomplished.

Have I fully surrendered? No! I have liked keeping a victim mentality, I have liked being seen as less then, but why right? Because those things have become a comfort in the soul, which, is truly deceit and dysfunction in the soul of mine.

So, now I am strivig to find my own sure footing and trust God in all things that He knows whats best. For his ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Self Imprisonment!!

We can keep ourself captive in many ways.

For me my imprisonment came in several ways, but for this blog I will focus on one way and that firstly is in my thinking. In my mental processes it has come to the light that I think very negative. I think negative about myself, my surroundings, situations and circumstances, how I view and perceive things. Sounds bad right?

Well it has been! The negative is like building a snowball. They just grow and grow til its taken shape and become a fortified fortress within of negativity. My very own self imprisonment.

Ever since March of this year I have been batteling to become less negative. It is so not easy! Its hard dedicated work to become even 10% less negative when you were full on negative, well maybe just in my case!

I have not become negative free on any respect of the word! But in a small degree I am not as negative as I was earlier in the year. When I have rough patches those negative things flair right back up as if I had done no work to combat them. Just shows how deeply negative I am in my inner life all these years.

When the rough patches come the reveal to me where I am unrenewed (Romans 12:1-2) and have to work/wrestle to get back to a place of renewal in my thinking. I have to use the sword of the word (Hebrews 4:12) to divide my thoughts that cause my imprisonment and use the word of God as a key to break the chains of bondage in my prison.

Its gonna be a fight for the rest of my days to keep renewed but with Gods help and councel/Coaching, and me doing the work one day maybe the fight won’t be so strong as I strive to become stronger in the word of faith over negative words from within. This is my fight of faith!

~Love Life ~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Walls of comfort!!

Depression can construst walls within!

I have written about depression before, but wanted to bring it up again in relation to walling up on the inside.

What is depression? Depression is defined as a self doubt. I have post in prior blogs about my comparison, acceptance, abandonment and rejection issues and all these issues have a layer of self doubt contained within them.

All these factors working hand in hand create a vacancy for depression to live in my soul. When you feel rejected by the world and then reject yourself that is a whole lot of self doubt. It sometimes reaches a place of why continue to battle the endless cyclea that it is instead of keep repeating things over and over again.

So, to combat depression the other issues have to be tackled as they are deeply rooted issues. What is the opposite of self doubt? Self confidence!! Even that is hard to find after a lifetime of hurt/pain and wounds.

Walls are built in a defense to keep from going through the same hurt little to know that the same gap that created the hurt was never closed. I built walls within to keep from getting hurt and to keep from letting too much of me out to anyone else when they got close. I could retreat behind the walls and feel safe and secure.

Self confidence is even temporary as it is based off of temporal things I have found to be shown to me. To find lasting and satisfying self confidence it has to come from the ultimate source of God the Father. Not to be moved when others accept or dont accept you for who you really are.

The only way to keep overcome is to keep renewing in truth as Pastor teaches us at church. I have to know deeply that I am accepted, loved and pursued by the King of Kings and let nothing and no one of this world move me from that position.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉