Surviving COVID, what it has taught me!

In my darkest hour of receiving the call from the nurse to say, “Ms. Gunn, your COVID-19 test results came back as positive, you will need to isolate yourself ASAP!”

Needless to say an immediate rush of every kind of emotion rose up within my body! Many I had to tell because I was positive incase they were exposed by proxy of me. Everyone I had been around never got it from me!

But, thats not the point of this blog…

This blog is gonna go to a deeper level of what I faced in those dark 22 days of isolation…

In isolation during having COVID-19 you are in a way at the time I had it, doubly isolated. Before I contracted the virus we were limited to what we could do, what stores were open, the amount of people that could gather together was restricted to 10 people.

So, in an already isolated state, I contracted Covid-19, that sent me to the next level of isolation, which was complete isolation. No human contact unless by cellphone, social media, or people being masked up, gloved up, and highly socially distanced for everyones safety as the contagion that COVID is, is highly spreadable in the simplest of circumstances.

It was in this time, between battling fevers, trying to hydrate, trying to fight the virus with over-the-counter medicine, trying to keep strength up that its so taxing not just on the body, but on the mind as well!

In this state of battling and my father still within the dwelling with me…socially distanced of course and I took every precaution so he wouldn’t catch it from me and He didn’t, he remains unexposed to what I had going on.

In those 22 days my biological father, only asked me twice if I was ok.

Needless to say the journey of this isolation process, made come to surface every daddy issue I could have. Yes I admit it to the world here and now!

Yes!

I have Daddy issues!

The first week battling covid was the worst as thats when most if this boiled to the surface of my soul(mind, will,and emotions). By week two I was determined to use my isolation time to not only heal and recover from COVID, but to begin to heal the wounds in my soul from a disconnected father figure.

It has taken me weeks to put this together piece-by-piece to not only heal but to deal with layer upon layer of my father issues.

The time my father tried to commit suicide was the final straw that sealed the deal to all my issues and truly shown me my earthly fathers disjointed love toward his own daughter.

In his state of mental disconnect…of which many told me and still tell me to not take personal due to the state of mind he was in hurt and damaged me truly to the core of my being in a way even I can’t find any words to group that could make it understandable.

He took the pills and was rushed to the hospital. From there under intense evaluation and surveillance. One by one we were allowed back to see him. Being as my mother was in a wheelchair and handicap she couldn’t be left alone. So it was my brother and I who took turns goin back with mom, while she sat with dad. When it was my turn I went back and with the straightest face, cold, dark, soul-less eyes he looked at me and asked me who I was. Immediate heartbreak sat in my soul and I turned and walked out and told my brother to go back with our mother. It took him two days to remember who I was.

To this day being my fathers caregiver it hurts to the core knowing the true feelings of his heart that to him I am easily forgotten and that there is little to no love within him towards me.

Another level would be deeper into my childhood. You see things online and social media of how a father is a girls first love, a fathers character is what she looks for in her husband, a father is one that a girl in a way idolizes for all the men in her life.

For me, I didn’t have that kind if father growing up. My father was and is unemotionally connected to me. He never reflected in ways the kind of man I would ever want to be with. Now, with that said, my father was a strong provider. He worked hard to keep a roof over our head and food on table. He and my mother took time to save and take us on wonderful vacations, learning experiences and such. The emotional side is what lacked and thats what the soul needs to flourish and grow and mature healthy.

My time during COVID allowed me to sit still, fully isolated from all human connection. To allow the truest of true the Father’s Love of God to come and begin to work and heal patches within my soul.

God sat me down to see that He loves me, He used vessels of other people to show that to me when isolated. Those who brought me food, those who financially supported me, those who lovingly in genuine love for me in their life, checked on my personal well-being. That opened my heart up to be healed on a level of the father abandonment issues I have housed within my soul.

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Cynthia

Thank You 2020 For Everything!

This year has been one of the best years and one of the worst years!

Can’t that be said for just about every year we face… year after year we face tragedy in small and large scale and victories in small and large scale. As a whole, 2020 has been just that, as I discharge the negative that has been highly propagated, with a pause to look at the bigger picture of what this year has truly encompassed.

Pause and smell the roses!

Globally we have faced a pandemic, weather disasters, economic distress, massive depression, abusive behaviors toward one another or one-self and so much more.

In turn we have slowed down, connected better with children, connected on a new level of intimacy in couples, technology had become a mainstream ways to connect with others outside our dwelling places and so much more.

With every ending there is a new beginning just around the corner!

For myself, I have had a vehicle stripped away from me, loss of my fur-child, contracted COVID-19, and so much more.

But, having my vehicle stripped away from me made a level of pride kneel to a higher authority of not setting things above God. Loosing my fur-child caused me to revisit wounds from the loss of my mother from back in 2016, that needed to be fully grieved out and allow for healing to come. Then, contracting COVID allowed me time in full isolation to deal with childhood traumas of not being validated, loved, nurtured in ways that promote healthy growth. I have begun to learn to allow the love of the Father to come and fill those void places within my soul. That had I not been fully isolated I wouldn’t have even begun to allow healing to come into the depths that could lead me to paths of destruction.

One of my top love languages

My alone time in isolation really revealed a depth of need that I have within me for validation from quality time I spend with people. Quality time is such a strong love language for me it seems that if I don’t manage it and control myself in it, that it will rule and drive me. My isolation time made me see this and learn ways to become self-contented and pour into myself, enjoy time with myself, allow the love from others that has spent time with me to flood my soul. As my Pastor says it is variations of self-parenting that will begin to fill the voids and depths from lack from formative years. If I don’t grow and deal with this now I will deplete my future husband from trying to fulfill things for me that are essentially not his job to do.

2020 had been a molding and making year indeed for me. Removing dependency upon the worldly things to have a sense of security. When in my time battling COVID, God used that to strip away dependency from the world and drive me straight into His arms to depend upon Him. Being out of work meant no income, aside from the fact that I don’t have employer covered health coverage. Faith and my tribe of believers and as I was told by my Pastor being a tither and a giver using faith in that time had stocked up enough in the banks of heaven to see a withdrawal come forth to see that I stayed in my apartment and my bills got paid. Still now with hours cut and such my bills are still getting paid and being a giver and a tither prove that God will look out for His children.

Lavender Sky

It is now in this time when the threshold of the new is approaching and the closed door to the old is about to be shut, that we need to take back the peace, joy, and love that the Father has so freely given us and shake off the fear, doubts, worry, and depression that the world and the ruler there of has put on the people that have no way to combat it. I will fight to gain peace, I will fight to get my love story back on track, I will fight to know that the joy of the Lord is my strength. I will fight to shake off the propaganda that a vaccine will save the world when I will only create more problems and thats proving to be true even now with the virus mutations, I will fight off worry cause my Father has unlimited source no matter how often they threaten a government shut down. I will fight off doubts of how it all will turn out and look through the lenses of faith to see what hasn’t manifested yet, that will will I see it clearly by faith. I will shake off depression cause that is a culmination of allowing to world to control me, put me in their box and to be a robot under their operation. Break free from those things and allow the heavenly to steer you! Money helps our living in this world, but when it is our driving force then it becomes futile. Allow faith in God to be the driving force.

Thank you all for taking time to read my blog! Thank you for all the new ones and future subscribers!

Be sure to follow me on facebook, youtube, instagram, amazon and teespring for my products, books, videos and more to come in 2021 and beyond…

💞Cynthia💞

Embracing Singleness

Relationship Status in a world that makes it idolized to be of a certain status!

In a world where status is everything so it seems, the world promotes that if your not married then your practically nothing.

To say the least many of us have cosigned with that mindset. But, is it true what they claim?

NO!

I can attest that being single is NOT the end all be all of our existence and neither is marriage. Both have their place in the world and in the church. Married folks (successful marriages) should be encouraged to pour wisdom into singles to help prepare them for their time.

Godly marriages have come along side me in my recent years and have helped burst the false bubbles of fantasy and instill reality and wisdom in the approach to relationships. I first had to embrace the fact that marriage is a long-term successful friendship.

Once I got this I was then challenged to learn to walk in love, this love walk was the one without conditions, boy thats been a challenge. Its been a growing pain of growing from where I once was cold to seeing some fruit of growth how be it ever small, but growth is growth.

The successful marriages showed me that even if marriage doesn’t come I need to learn to love myself and my journey. If someone comes along thats traveling the same road and we can go at it together great, if not; I still have a purpose and call of God to fulfill. Embracing this has brought a level of freedom that no matter my status I still have purpose.

I still have bouts of struggle with this from time to time, I won’t lie about that. Thats our human nature and a good one to have as long as its not our driving force. I was reminded once again to seek first the kingdom of God and all His righteousness them all those things can be added to me.

So, if you struggle being single, know that your not alone. Trust in God and His timing. Work on yourself, love yourself, enjoy yourself! Live life, love others, bring joy to those you can around you. Sow seeds of goodness and kindness where you can.

Love yourself enough to wait on the goodness of the Lord! Trust your preparation season, trust the growth, trust in the Love of the Father! He knows what He is doing, he loves you enough to keep you growing before you mess up any good thing He sends your way!

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End of the Road

What to do when you reach the end?

Often times in this life we hit endings! I would hit endings and be completley devistated!

Why you ask?

Well…

For many reason. Some being unmet expectations, things done on my own without consulting God about it, or wounds within my soul that sought out validation from sources that had no capacity to fulfill them!

These endings have saved me from a deeper life of pain than I could have felt had I gotten my way in life!

Relationships that didnt workout, churches that didnt work out, jobs that didnt work out! All of the path that I have been on has lead me here to where I am at currently today!

Life lessons have to be learned and often times, well more often than not in my case I took the lesson and blew it way out of proportion.

What I needed to learn was simple!

What I needed to grow in was simple!

What I needed to then walk in was simple!

But how I have done the understanding of these things is, take them as far out of context as I could and made mountains out of mole hills!

Coming to the end of the road is this….

A dead end…

What has to happen at the end of a dead end?

You have to go back up that path, see what you didn’t see before, take the lesson with you, and get back on your predestined path!

Endings aren’t always fun or enjoyable, but they can be incredible times of growth and rediscovery! How we view the ending is up to our perception! It is based on whats in our soul.

Your soul may need healing like mine still does and will continue to need! Seek help for what is goin on in your head and heart! Investing in a therapist has been the greatest way to love myself and get the help I need!

To that I say Happy Endings to this blog 🙂

Thank you for reading!

Cynthia

Strength for Others

God hasn’t provided us strength just for ourself, but its also for our neighbor!

There have been countless times in my life when I felt so weak in faith, drive and passion to go forward that I gave up a many a time.

It took people that were strong in the areas that I wasn’t to hoist me up by the under arm and tell me I could make it, God was with me and that I could do all things through Christ that strengthens me.

Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves. Each of us is to please his neighbor for his good, to his edification.
Romans 15:1‭-‬2 NASB

Those that have come along side ne and remained a constant in my life helping be a strength have never been stingy with sharing their strength with me. They have lifted me up and helped me walk in things, they have shown me I could do things I didn’t think possible.

They have gave of there abundance of strength even when theirs was lower than usual. We are to be a burden lifter for our neighbors.

It is by there example that I have learned to share my strength with others to help them if its not but listening, a kind word, a smile.

Strength that God has for us is not just for our own pleasure but to use to help others. This is a way to spread the love of God to the world.

Share your strength with others and be a light of Gods love!

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~Cynthia 😍

Wisdom that is Pure

Not every piece of wisdom we get is from God!

There is one thing if not this that I have learned the hard way. So many want to try to impart wisdom to a person, but that wisdon was biblically unfounded. Rather it was from their own experiance and not pure truth from the Word of God.

But, how do you know what someone is sharing with you is bibically backed sound wisdom?

I have found that those that do have biblically backed wisdom often have scriptural support of what they are imparting to me. They not only share of their own personal experiance in using the Word of Gods true and pure wisdom to help them navigate a situation. But encourage in loving, supportive, compassionate ways.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy.
James 3:17 NASB

When I have received councel from people that didn’t have such truth supporting their statements and that wisdom caused more problems it seemed then when I didn’t take their insight.

When I learned to stop taking their insight they got agitated with me and declairing “why won’t you listen to me?”

Talk about a turn off.

This was when I had begun taking Godly councel that shed better light then the wisdom I had been getting and they didn’t appreciate me turning a deaf ear to what they shared.

Wisdom that is pure is wisdom that we all need and should cherish. We must exercise disernment to know what type of wisdom we are getting shared with us.

When Faith is Unpleasing!

Having a lack of faith is unpleasing to God!

I know right strange title…LOL!

But, faith is only unpleasing when we posses a lack there of. Faith is suppose to be used in its full measure from which it has been given to us from God.

And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.
Hebrews 11:6 NASB

The measure is to be exercised so that it may grow and flow in the fullness of His goodness. In my life, I can tell that its been more on the lacking side then exercised side.

How can I tell this? Well look at the manifestations around my life. Some good, some not so good. Granted yes that happens in life, but take a look at those who remain firm and steadfast in faith. They have a steady upward flow. Where as I, have had ups and downs.

To slow down and eventually change my course of life from the ups and downs I will need to press into that when I seek God I must trust Him at who he is and believe fully in his power, grace, mercy and love.

This way that as I do seek Him I can have that deep inner knowing that God loves those who diligently seek after Him. He will reward those who seek him. God is not like man that should lie, but in my life I have lumped God right in with people nourishing my trust issus.

So, I must press into faith and grow my measure so that it is pleasing to God and He can reward my search after Him with His goodness.

~Cynthia 😍

Faith Grows

Faith has to be planted in order for it to grow.

(Blog post inspired by the wednesday Tele-class teaching of Pastor Juanita Gibbs)

In part 2 of Tele-class this wednesday night she continued on about the word of God being seeds. Those seeds when planted can produce a manifestation over time.

She mentioned there is a seed time, a waiting time, and a harvest time. It is in the seed time we plant the truth of the word of God. To break open the seed for it to begin to establish a root system we must continue to cultivate the seed with the word. The word of God is the incorruptable seed as it proclaims.

In the waiting time character is grown, faith grows, trust grows as it is all hinged off the fact that God is not a God of whom should lie. He sent out His word to fulfill a purpose and He will not see that word return void. By remaining firm and confident in who God is my at the harvest we can behold.

Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised.
Hebrews 11:11 KJV

Have you had a dream, a promise, a hope go unfulfilled in God. Resurrect that dream and cultivate it in truth. Sara was given strength to conceive seed. God can strengthen us to receive spiritual seed and deliver us into promise. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

Our hope comes from the Lord!

Our strength is from the Lord!

Our love is from the Lord!

Our grace & mercy is from the Lord!

The word of God is powerful when spoken in faith it produces life. The soil of our hearts has to be regenerated to be able to take on the good. I have gone through a time of removing negativity, doubt, and fear.

Im better than I was in it, more is to he done. But, I pray there is enough good soil in my soul to take the good seeds of the word that were planted in faith and now to cultivate them until harvest time comes.

As Pastor told us we are the farmers. It is up to me to plant and cultivate the seeds planted. I am anticipating great things to come from the work that has been done in me.

Im an imperfect woman working to better herself in the faith and in womanhood. God has a plan and purpose for me to fulfill and I want to be the best version of me fulfilling that call on my life.

~Cynthia 😍

Faith Pleases God!

Without having faith it is impossible to please God!

The more I come up in the Word of God the more my faith activates. The more my faith activates fear has to leave, worry has to move out, doubt got divorce papers and faith is taking residency. Faith slowly unpacks itself in my soul the more I seek God.

The more I seek God the trust grows, His love for me floods my soul filling the voids and nourishing the soil in my soul to as I keep planting His word and cultivating His word in my life a manifestation of that seeking shall come forth.

Seeking God is seeking Him in His word. Seeking his voice in meditative times as I calm my soul with the techniques Pastor Juanita Gibbs has given us. Seeking Him in worship, praise and thanksgiving for who He is and grandure of His majesty.

And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.
Hebrews 11:6 NASB

I want to please God, live to serve Him, bring Glory to his name in and through my life. He has done great things for me and I anticipate more great things ahead.

But, I must have faith in God for it all! There is a blessing in seeking him as he reward those who do so. He also proclaimed Seek first the kingdom of God and Hid righteousness then all things will be added.

God has a set order. He wants us to put Him first. In Revelation He told them they had forgotten their first love. He called them out on not keeping Him first. Seeking Him in everything I am finding is very important, especially to remain in His will for my life.

God has a set purpose and plan for all of us. Its up to us to choose our own will or Gods will. By faith I am choosing Gods will.

When I have done things in my own will and strength they have ended. When it is of Him it shall endure for it will be of Him, blessed by Him and have the favor of God on it.

~Cynthia 😍

💙Faith In His Eternal Love 💙

For God love endures forever. He loved us when we were yet still sinners. He gave His son to save our soul!

I am reminded of a song while I am writing this by an artist I got to see in concert some years back now. But the song was called “Lead me to the cross.”

How fitting for that song to be playing in my spirit when today would be the day we know Jesus went to the cross for our sins, the sins of the world all the while yet being a grand display of the love of God toward us and our atonement with God.

God I thank you for that atonement provided at calvary. I praise your name! Thank you for your son Jesus!

Its just something about the cross that can take you right back to being thankful for what God saved us from and eternal place in hell for a place in Glory with Him.

Hallelujah!!!!

May the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ.
2 Thessalonians 3:5 NASB

Everytime we are lead to the cross, to His word, called by His spirit to come closer, fast to die off the old ma and put on more of him. He is gently directing our hearts to lean on Him, trust in Him. For He is a good, good father! (Yes another song referance…lol)

It is in that we leard to become more rooted and grounded and not so all over the place. Pastor Juanita Gibbs had me pegged so well when I first came into the ministry I am in now. I was all over the place on the hunt for anything to make me feel something from God deep on the inside.

I was on youtube listening to teachings, I was in different churches, revivals, I was in books of all kinds looking to satisfy a deep craving within that could only be filled by the truth of Gods word.

It is in coming to find God through Christ in the provided word that will bring about steadfastness in my life. His word is solid. It will be here through the ages for it cannot perish. Now that is saying something.

It is in His word where I need to be anchored, rooted, steadfast, unwaivering, and unmoved when things happen in this life. For things will happen its all in how I get through them that will make a difference.

You will feel Him drawing you closer, dont ignore it. Keeping the word of God close to implant it in our hearts can and will make a differencr in our life. As I look to implant more of it I want it to change my life the more in the time ahead.

~Cynthia 😍