The Call No One Wants To Get!

“We have your results!? Your test came back you are POSITIVE for COVID.”

Immediately, my heart sank and then flight mode of hurry up time is running out kicked in. On 10/10/2020 at 3:30pm my life went from being lived to you got only a few short hours left before lock down.

I called my employer, coworkers, anyone I had come in contact with to inform them of my horrific news, so they could watch themself and get tested as well if need be. Luckily, I am not a spreader, everyone tested negative, but me. A front line worker in the height of a global pandemic who has no health insurance, no means of income while in isolation. Thus propelling me into the trusting arms of the Father God to take care of me in health and to help provide for me while I am out of work going into the second week now.

My tribe has surrounded me, brought me food, financial support, and moral and comforting support. So many have genuinely checked on me that warms my heart to know that such love does exists in the world. When on the counter spectrum as well i have been privy to messages from distant familial relations reflecting a demeanor of humor at my healths expense during these times. Another instant of not so distant familial relation refusing to support my aging father who resides in my home to remove him for his own safety and calling me childish and my own doing for supposedly catching this that which they deem nonexistent. A battle such as this reveals the true nature of people that you have in your life. Take note of how they do while your in crisis. Cause in the opposite they will expect a great return from you in their own time of need. My family is my tribe of God given people that come from various backgrounds of life that have shown time and time again their genuine love, care and support of me in many things not just in good or bad but in level times as well.

My Father of whom is aging and has severe medical illnesses of which could make this virus deadly if it enters His body, from which I am doing all I can to isolate from him, stay away from common areas and keeping surfaces clean. Even as sick as I have been he still relies on me to make sure he has food and meds and is tended too.

Thankfully, my tribe jumped in and had pizza delivered. Brought bags of sandwiches, soups, pancakes and two other dishes so I wouldn’t get exhausted cooking. Those dishes helped so much on the really bad days of this virus having its hay-day within my body.

One Story COVID Night of Terror:

It was at about 11:15pm during my fourth night of isolation, I had been asleep since some time in the afternoon when my fever had spiked to 100.2 and I took meds and laid down. It was at this time my fur-baby Sweet Pea stood beside my bed barked in my ear and it startled me awake. I was so into sleeping it didn’t phase me too much, til next thing I knew she jumped on the bed laid beside me and rolled her head back onto my chest. That pressure on my chest woke me up again then I heard my cell phone messenger beep. So, reluctantly I gathered myself to sit up. I checked my phone it was my lead tribe person saying they was checking on me and that I had come up heavy for them. Not two min later another beep came in my other tribe was checking on me. Something was definitely wrong with me, with all this activity. One pleaded with me to check my temperature. I did and my fever was right back up and climbing 100.5 this time. I struggled to move from the bed to medicine table where I checked my temperature and then take more meds before slipping back into slumber. Had it not been for the spirit alerting people and my Sweet Pea to get me up and take meds how much damage could have been done to me if I hadn’t been lured from that deceptive slumber of fever in covid state.

My symptoms began as massive body pain to the point of it being virtually debilitating, cough, sinus pressure, fever, headache, runny nose. Were the first symptoms that drove me to get tested in the first place. It took two days to get the results. Later my symptoms in isolation became frequent fever spikes, delirium, sensory system overload of pulsating and flashing that drove me to medicate and sleep. After about 6 days in isolation my sense of smell left me, taste is diminished, I can only taste salty or sweet. I have been sleeping more than not, and I have been workin on hydration and immunity rebuild.

It was Friday, October 16th I ventured to get retested as my severe symptoms had let up and I had been in isolation for the time required. I got my call for my results that I still am testing COVID POSITIVE. This virus is one for the record books. To still be testing positive for it. That marked my third ever COVID test. And now, I have to isolate still and then get retested again before I can even think about going back to work on the front lines during a global pandemic. I have suffered through isolation the first round, I am not sure how I am gonna do for another week, I need people and being that I cannot assimilate with people it is depressing.

I am fighting and battling COVID in my body and I will win! Cause my tribe is praying for me, helping me to keep mentally astute and checking on my well-being. Feeling such true love of Agape from people is often times what a wounded soul needs to heal.

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🌻Cynthia🌻

Bad Friendship!

Rejection and fear have a friendship that work together in unity in a wounded soul.

When rejection happens many times over it brings damage to the soul. The soul begins to find ways to heal, but if not being healed with good methods then it adds to the wounding creating a scar within. Least thats how it has been in my life.

Wounds of rejection would happen and my healing method was to let fear come in and protect me. Fear soothed the wound that if I never get close to anyone again then the pain wouldn’t come again by another rejection. But what happened when another cane along into my life?

Well…

They would come and over time yup I let the next one right on into my heart. What happened next was any sign that they were rejecting me I would begin to close off as I was being deemed unacceptable to them. I would wall up and push them away to save the fragile pieces of my heart as best I could from fear of it happening again.

Once wounding began to create other ways of wounding myself within my soul. It was so strong the fear and rejection that I began to shut out good people that God had placed in my life making time with me very difficult. Difficult to the place that I began to expect them to leave me.

But that all stemed from fear and rejection of the past. When they have reinforced to me they are God sent and yes its proven that they are that I still fear the most that people will leave me.

I am told that faith and fear work similar just with different results. The very things I have feared that people would continually come and go has happened. But, I can only manage myself, if something about me is rejected and they want to leave then thats their reasons.

I just have to manage myself with overcoming the fear and rejection issue to not push people away and guard my heart to not take people into my heart so quickly or easily. I need to slow down allow time on the scene and let things be proven.

When God sends me people with a heart after his, yes they may judge and show concern, but also accept that they too have issues and we all are working to overcome and accept each other on our faith journey in life.

~Love Life ~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Fear of Change

Change in the beginning is rather daunting!

In the beginning of change it can be like full on war within. Breaking away from the old to work toward the new way you hope and invision to be.

When I choose to make the decision to shed my vast amount of negativity oh boy. I needed to have an arsenal of scripture to combat every negative word. I needed a person anointed to bring change to a life to pray me through, talk me through, be with me at my side til the battle wasn’t so intense within and managable with the tools they provided.

Two days into waging war within to move to a new way of life I was completley like “what in the world have I decided to do here!” Day 3 the war within was just as intense and I asked my Pastor was there any hope for me as the battle got worser and worser so it seemed.

The things I had built within due to years of living negativley were screamin out “don’t change its easier to be this way” and honestly it was easier to be that way as I had been that way for so long. But, my eyes had been open to what fruit of a negative life produced.

The fruit of negative is more negative. So the things within me didnt want me to change as they became comfort amd kept me bound by much fear and the fear spread to other areas of life like an infection does when it goes untreated.

My spirit longed for the change and my soul said no stay in the comfort of what you have built. By day four the battle seemed to lessen, still there but not as full on waging war within.

I recently found a scripture I used for my sunday school children that proclaimed the end of a thing is better than its beginning (Ecc 7:8) and if that isn’t ever so true I have found. The battle is confidently in the beginning.

When you see the end of it you can appreciate the fight put up to get to the end of it with his grace, strength, and mercy. Cause many times I am weak in the battle as I see no hope in changing and I see that is the fear within trying to have its way to prevent change and live differently.

Have I shed fear? No! Fear is part of human nature. It is like my pastor tells me its how we deal with the emotion and thoughts related when they come. She says yes feel them, learn why they showed up and work to not dwelling in them to lead me. As fear has lead my life for far too long as it is. With the tools she is giving me I am learning to slowly manage me better as my self management is my job. God graces us to do it for ourself, but He won’t do the work for us!

~Love Life~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia

F.O.M.O to Y.O.L.O

Talking in abbreviations…LOL

We live in a world of fast movement, instant gratification, inpatience, haste. But, when the unexpected wait, delay, etc happens we get all in a tizzy. Well, I know I have in those moments.

We even get that way with God we get full of pride and anger with God when He don’t answer us when the prayer drops as if He owes us our prayer request. When the reality of the matter of delay in answer is that He wants us to grow!

But, what happen for me was that when prayers haven’t been answered I began to loose faith and trust that God even heard me, like my prayers hit a ceiling and not gone through. Thinking that I was bad aweful sinner and had done many bad things to not have Gods ear incline to my prayer and essentially this added to the walls I had built inside.

The stronghold of fear got more fortiefied and reinforced everytime I felt disappointed by God not answering my prayer.

I was coming home from the beach Saturday and flipping through the radio I heard a brief conversation and the radio person said to a caller I believe that they were batteling F.O.M.O. course that got my attention of what does that mean.

F.O.M.O = Fear of missing out

When I heard that a message broken down God began to speak to me in my spirit. Some of it is flowing out in this blog. Because of my walls, my overly prudent nature of living in future and not my present, and inpatience, that fear has been a battle to overcome even in small layers.

In recent, I have been working on my thought life to begin to shift my paradigm. I had in a month been working hard on the thought realm of my mind. Unaware things had begun to shift within to bring about a place of gaining positive over the vastly negative I have lived.

When the message on radio came it was like that is how I have been living. I was so afraid of missing out that I didn’t live in my now. The radio person kept talking to whomever and or I turned radio off I heard Y.O.L.O. in my spirit.

Y.O.L.O = You only live once.

In my beginning to retrain my mind I had begun to shed a layer of fear. By using the word of God to negate the bad and think more positive. By doing this trust has begun to flow within reigniting belief and empowering me to exercising my measure of faith.

The budlings of new fruit are rising to the surface in my soul and as I keep at the work my soul will begin to prosper and then God can prosper me in other ways as I keep growing and developing. As I appreciate my now and live for my now time. Fear can flee for God dont give us a spirit of fear, but of Power, love and a sound mind

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Ambiverts discontentment!

Caught between and introvert and extrovert!

How can it be that you have tendancies of both ways of being and be discontent?

Well for me as I am known to have both tendancies my discontentment comes from many things. Having walls as a safety built inside causes me to wall or shut people out very much from the damage in my soul and the seclusion for many years of being introvertish.

Over time and things changing in my life I branched out and did more things and I wanted to be around people even to the point of allowing things I shouldn’t have that caused pain later on.

Being thirsty for companionship of a friend I spent many years chasing people to be a friend to me after a mere nice thing said when the reality was. They was just being nice and moving on. So the extrovertish way of thirsting for people to be around to find a level of validation was an hurtful one to keep walking through.

So the wanting to be around people to the point of almost feeling like it was needed and they wouldnt remain, issued a layer of rejection. Which they only rejected the fact they didnt want a frienship, just wanted to be nice and go on with life. This aided in the walls of the introvertish ways to remain walled up to prevent continual pain.

This is how this ambivert found discontentment within. The issue of wanting to be around people and they not wanting to be around me and the way I can shut them out due to being a bit introvertish is a bit of a battle inwardly.

But, shedding the light on my battle may help another if they find themself like I have beginning to take down the walls with people I know and can trust that have proved they accept me faults and all, as well as, now learning to guard better that no, not everyone will be a friend they can be polite and keep moving and it will keep my heart from being open to more hurt or rejection.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

October Is Here!!!

Fall weather, falling leaves, colors changing, crisp chill in the air for a jacket and the scents of the season…

The end of September the beginnings of October insight the wonderous scenses of baked goods, warming beverages, candles, blankets, fluffy socks, etc.

I have already made one pumpkin bread this season and I even attempted a sweet potatoe bread that well didn’t turn out like I had hoped. Needless to say I will try that one again. I have plans for fruit crisps in the slow cooker to make that I brgan making last year its going to be yummy and make my home smell like baked goods.

I found some candles I had gotten on an after christmas clearance sale last year and have started lighting them on the regular adds a lil warmth to the atmosphere as well as the scents they are.

This time of year also brings about the changes to the weather, well finally…lol it was still warm when Fall first came in last few days ot has finally begun to feel like fall. I had a jacket on while out yesterday to keep warm.

Even how the sky and nights changw to bring about amazing photos that I love to take. Being able to take such amazing photos for my blogs. It even insighted the possible investment into a high quality camera to take pics with and do what I love. But, that is all a vision for an appointed time.

Fall is a favorite time of year for me for many reasons, but these here are like the top ones.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉