Out of Control!!!

What I have allowed has gotten way out of hand!

The issues that keep spurning to the surface reveal that I have allowed myself to stay in them for too long.

When hurt, disappoint have come instead of thanking God and allowing Him to redirect my path. I allowed myself to assume the full impact of whatever came. He guides and directs my path, but inwardly I chose a different route one filled with pain over determination to find Gods will for me.

Some time ago, it may have been Sunday, not fully for sure, but Pastor was discussing Psalms and as I was listening, the Lord began to span across Davids life within my spirit showing me that he too endured rejection. As Pastor related to us David quite often referred to the issues of his soul in the book of Psalms.

For the ransom of his soul is too costly, And he should cease trying forever–
PSALM 49:8 AMP

He never let rejection hold him back, infact I believe he used that rejection as a way to dig down into God and use that as a fuel for determination.

How I have cried out about the contents of my soul all the hurt, pain, rejection that has inturn spurned comparison, envy, acceptance, depression issues that are wide open doors for the enemy to walk through at every turn.

To begin to close those doors I must practice taking in deep the truth from the word of God as I continue to spill out the toxins of all that my soul contains.

Like David wrote out his torment, I too can journal, pray, worship until the release of the pain becomes where I can input new of the good inside. I can practoce meditating on good things to make them apart of the new person as a believer we can be transformed to be as I allow my process.

Blogging also helps me remove toxins, of course, this is a more public way, but it is to perhaps encourage others that as we do the work we can begin to overcome, be healed and live life more by faith.

This is how I can get my out of control thoughts and emotions that are contrary to truth to begin to regain control and bring them under the subjection of Christ and the word.

~Love Life~ Live Life ~😍

~Cynthia 😉

Ambiverts discontentment!

Caught between and introvert and extrovert!

How can it be that you have tendancies of both ways of being and be discontent?

Well for me as I am known to have both tendancies my discontentment comes from many things. Having walls as a safety built inside causes me to wall or shut people out very much from the damage in my soul and the seclusion for many years of being introvertish.

Over time and things changing in my life I branched out and did more things and I wanted to be around people even to the point of allowing things I shouldn’t have that caused pain later on.

Being thirsty for companionship of a friend I spent many years chasing people to be a friend to me after a mere nice thing said when the reality was. They was just being nice and moving on. So the extrovertish way of thirsting for people to be around to find a level of validation was an hurtful one to keep walking through.

So the wanting to be around people to the point of almost feeling like it was needed and they wouldnt remain, issued a layer of rejection. Which they only rejected the fact they didnt want a frienship, just wanted to be nice and go on with life. This aided in the walls of the introvertish ways to remain walled up to prevent continual pain.

This is how this ambivert found discontentment within. The issue of wanting to be around people and they not wanting to be around me and the way I can shut them out due to being a bit introvertish is a bit of a battle inwardly.

But, shedding the light on my battle may help another if they find themself like I have beginning to take down the walls with people I know and can trust that have proved they accept me faults and all, as well as, now learning to guard better that no, not everyone will be a friend they can be polite and keep moving and it will keep my heart from being open to more hurt or rejection.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Reflections…

Fall can be a season of reflection.

Looking back over the course of the year and reflecting on all its happenings. What a year it has been! Changes in many things, but has the true change taken place. The change that matters most? Probably not!

Finding myself in a holding pattern to settle down and find out whats really going on with me on the inside and learning the truth of all things. Finally taking accountablity for myself and what I have allowed in this life.

Is it easy to walk through? Is fire not hot! But to know truth you have to walk through things and take the wisdom gained from them with you when out of the fire.

Have I obtained this revelation fully? No! But, I am learning that there is a plan and purpose for all things. Whether good, bad or ugly I am accepting their reality for what they are and working in the weaknesses to not succumb to the same things. Its a work and a work that needs done within me and I am the only one who can do the work.

For once my truth is accepted as what it is with in me its only then that I can begin to step toward freedom. One day in time as I keep working on myself and the issues of the soul that I have, freedom will be found. But only as long as I surrender to the work that God wants accomplished.

Have I fully surrendered? No! I have liked keeping a victim mentality, I have liked being seen as less then, but why right? Because those things have become a comfort in the soul, which, is truly deceit and dysfunction in the soul of mine.

So, now I am strivig to find my own sure footing and trust God in all things that He knows whats best. For his ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Power Hungry Fortresses!

We may not realize it, but how our behaviors indicate our hunger for power and control!

Things happen to us, around us, and within us most all the time. Its all in how we perceive, receive and deal with what happens to us of how much it will either reinforce a fortress (stronghold) in our mind or bring it down. These are some of my walls built inside me that engage when things happen.

For me, having such lack of proper nutrients in formative years, and rejection, abandonmemt, comparison and acceptance issues all these things have been a strong fortress within my soul.

As I have blogged about already these things within take time to overcome, as they, like Rome were not built in a day, but in a lifetime up to the point of beginning to confront and deal with them.

Sitting in church last night during discussion time I began to see where I had been using all the bad things of my past to control and manipulate my surroundings in some way. I was shocked at my behavior and devistated that I would allow such power to over rule the power of God. All because of these fortresses within me, when things would happen everything inside of me began to hasten to regain control that felt lost.

In reality of the matter, care came into my life in the form of my Pastor to shed light on an area I dearly needed addressing or I would continue to walk around open to hurt, pain, wounding the more.

Care and love in a soul that lacked knowing of any of such things growing up is foreign and not received graciously in the beginning as it is like paving a new road. Hitting rocks, holes and all such desbrie to clear a path of what is good in the uncharted territory of a soul like mine. I do pray in time as I tackle the negative still within, continue to tackle the fortresses with truth to take them down that a newness will begin to take shape in my life.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Visit my Pastor Juanita Gibbs blog:

wholebodywellness365.wordpress.com

Stunted Growth!

My mind has kept me from some growth!!

How is that so right?

Well its like going through school its a learning process. If my mind hasn’t grown or developed in certain areas then I will not be so mature in some areas of life. Boy oh boy has that proven time and time again in different areas.

Limited experiance and not encountering certain situations in life has stunted me in ways I had not realized til recently when some things were presented to me.

I have not been a person that has been too close to too many people in a friendship manner in well most of my life. When people would come and tell me nice things or like something I had done I would latch to the words, feelings and at times the person like a leech. To only end in hurt most of the times when the people were merely being nice to me and moving on, I was looking for the more behind it.

To only see how my soul searched, hungered, and thirsted for love nourishment and validation on the human level. Lacking proper nutrients in formative years of growing is such effect if not dealt with as one continues to grow in life.

Now that these things I see within myself I have to better guard my heart (Phil 4:7) and my soul (Psalm 25:20) in this life as its my job to do. God graced me and anyone else with the power and ability to do these things its a matter of doing the work and being consistent about the work as my Pastor teaches us at my church.

Is it going to be easy? NO! Thats why its called work and a fight of faith. But, it is a fight worth fighting and a work worth doing to change things within me in this life.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Self Imprisonment!!

We can keep ourself captive in many ways.

For me my imprisonment came in several ways, but for this blog I will focus on one way and that firstly is in my thinking. In my mental processes it has come to the light that I think very negative. I think negative about myself, my surroundings, situations and circumstances, how I view and perceive things. Sounds bad right?

Well it has been! The negative is like building a snowball. They just grow and grow til its taken shape and become a fortified fortress within of negativity. My very own self imprisonment.

Ever since March of this year I have been batteling to become less negative. It is so not easy! Its hard dedicated work to become even 10% less negative when you were full on negative, well maybe just in my case!

I have not become negative free on any respect of the word! But in a small degree I am not as negative as I was earlier in the year. When I have rough patches those negative things flair right back up as if I had done no work to combat them. Just shows how deeply negative I am in my inner life all these years.

When the rough patches come the reveal to me where I am unrenewed (Romans 12:1-2) and have to work/wrestle to get back to a place of renewal in my thinking. I have to use the sword of the word (Hebrews 4:12) to divide my thoughts that cause my imprisonment and use the word of God as a key to break the chains of bondage in my prison.

Its gonna be a fight for the rest of my days to keep renewed but with Gods help and councel/Coaching, and me doing the work one day maybe the fight won’t be so strong as I strive to become stronger in the word of faith over negative words from within. This is my fight of faith!

~Love Life ~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Palace of Protection!

Fortified in walls of saftey to prevent more hurt from anyone else…

Sounds like the beginnings of a fairytale almost right?

Rejection and abandonment issues began to construct walls. Walls of safety to keep others from getting too close. If you let no one in then they won’t know the real you on any level.

After a home life like I had with the lack of things in my early years. I unknowingly began to look for outside sources to give me what I wanted and desperatly lacked. But the true me was hidden behind walls right. Yes!

But what did peep out from behind the walls was neediness, desperation, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and so many more things that I could try to mask, paint a pretty picture of to show when people came around, but its as if they knew something deeply was wrong with me on the inside.

Because in friendship that came they would see these little monsters peeping behind my walls and they would be too much and they would eventually walk away from the friendship or I would end it to prevent more heart hurt. To only become the more problemsome as these things just added salt to an open wound.

These wounds from many years of hurt, pain, rejection, abandonment, conparison, acceptance issue kept building and building until I was walled off to myself. What happened right?

Well, it took a woman with the power and anointing to see me past my walls and help me break out of the prison within I had created. As she taught mr and is still teaching me that some walls are ok, but if they keep me from living, showing Gods love to others then thats when its a problem.

She came in with love and is helping me remove brick by brick the walls I built to stay safe and keep from being further rejected and abandoned. Little did I realize that rejection and abandonment walls only keep creating that cycle in my life.

The only way to end the cycle is know my truth and let my truth make me free to work on it and grow beyond it, heal and show compassion.

~Live Life ~ Love Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Visit:

wholebodywellness365.wordpress.com

A great blog about surrender by my Pastor Juanita 😍