I have come to realize that when I allow people into my life, I become to dependent on their need of me. This slowing down has really brought this reality to the surface of my existence.
Being an essential worker and still working through the pandemic and more work being placed on my shoulders at work that has been seen as a reason to not need me in areas any longer. So in a sense the work I used to do was outsourced to another to complete in fear that my overwhelm at work wouldn’t be able to withstand critique.
When countless times in the past it was explicitly stated by me that that work wasn’t burdensome. So assumption has been on the scene that I couldn’t handle one more thing. I love how people think for me, but you better not even think of thinking for them.
At this point I need to evaluate who I have become dependent on and why I have done such, to then begin to work on building myself to where; as I am replaced it wont be so heart wrenching.
This life during this pandemic has not been all sugar and spice. There are times I question my faith and ask whats the point any more. Only to realize its only myself and dealing with humanity that brings on those pondering questions. God doesn’t change – people do! This last few months have been like the 8th circle of hell. To be perfectly honest, I am tired of fighting!
I have some changing myself to do at this point and learning how to keep fighting against all odds when folks tell you that your beyond help!
When you fall from Grace, look up to see who is standing over you saying “i told you so”…
I hope everyone is doing way better at this then I am..
There was a song some time ago that had the lyrics “let them see you in me” I loved that song I often pressed into God with it when I was about to speak or present anything at church.
And Jesus cried out and said, “He who believes in Me, does not believe in Me but in Him who sent Me. He who sees Me sees the One who sent Me. I have come as Light into the world, so that everyone who believes in Me will not remain in darkness.
John 12:44-46 NASB
Jesus was the embodiment of the Father in human form in the earth during His life. Where ever he went he was an ambassodor for God.
When He completed His work at the cross and after time ascended to the right hand of the Father so we can have the Holy Spirit to live inside our spirit and be our guide.
I want to grow more in the faith that my eyes through the spirit looking to Jesus I can see the love of the Father. Know the depth of compassion, grace and mercy. The more I see it for myself and take it in, I can then inturn be able to share that with those around me. I cannot give from an empty place.
This helps me to become a reflection of the savior to the world around me. Jesus reflected the Father as we are to reflect Him! We are ambassadors for Christ.
Because he died and rose again and sent the spirit is how we are able to fulfill going into all the world and preach the gospel. By being a reflector of His life, character, love, grace and mercy to the world in which we live.
Looking back over the course of the year and reflecting on all its happenings. What a year it has been! Changes in many things, but has the true change taken place. The change that matters most? Probably not!
Finding myself in a holding pattern to settle down and find out whats really going on with me on the inside and learning the truth of all things. Finally taking accountablity for myself and what I have allowed in this life.
Is it easy to walk through? Is fire not hot! But to know truth you have to walk through things and take the wisdom gained from them with you when out of the fire.
Have I obtained this revelation fully? No! But, I am learning that there is a plan and purpose for all things. Whether good, bad or ugly I am accepting their reality for what they are and working in the weaknesses to not succumb to the same things. Its a work and a work that needs done within me and I am the only one who can do the work.
For once my truth is accepted as what it is with in me its only then that I can begin to step toward freedom. One day in time as I keep working on myself and the issues of the soul that I have, freedom will be found. But only as long as I surrender to the work that God wants accomplished.
Have I fully surrendered? No! I have liked keeping a victim mentality, I have liked being seen as less then, but why right? Because those things have become a comfort in the soul, which, is truly deceit and dysfunction in the soul of mine.
So, now I am strivig to find my own sure footing and trust God in all things that He knows whats best. For his ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts.