Surrendering visions and dreams of what we thought our life would look like at certain milestones of life; can be some of the hardest things to release.
I lost my mom in 2016 to Kidney failure and of course many other health conditions that attributed to her final days. I was only at the time 32 years old.
As time has passed and my life continues to change, I often wonder what it would be like if she was still here. Course the last year and half with all thats going ok in the world, I’m glad she isn’t here to deal with the turmoil and mayhem and mess that covid and do much else has put on the world.
Then I wonder about further down the road when I may get married and have a family; she won’t be here to help me pick out a dress, she won’t be here to welcome home a grandchild.
So many things like that have been lost to me when she passed. Whats worse is that the day she passed away and my emotionally detached father and brother of course remain; but I still feel like an orphan.
Surrendering the dream of having so much of what I’ve seen others have to grow and watch their parents age gracefully and pass at ripe old ages. Somehow, thats not been my lot in life.
Learning to come to grips even four years our is something I need to express this nugget of repressed grief. I know I never processed the death of my mother fully.
I tried putting these words together before mother’s day and all I could do was sob. Of course, as I am now writing this as well. But, the difference between this week and two weeks ago, I’ve released resentment and anger of her passing. Realizing that I had her for 32 years of being my mom and my best friend. Now she is at rest and peace no longer in pain, no longer suffering, no longer governed by this earth. I know she resides on glory, even in dialysis she spent her days witnessing.
Surrendering this I feel the weight of it lifting slowly from my soul, will I still grieve, of course. Will it be as painful, no, it will be happy tears of times of joy and well spent time together.
Letting go of things are necessary at times, cause it can hold us back in other ways. I pray that as I push forth from releasing, I can hopefully not be blocked from things my soul housed within it, that needed dealing with.
What could be holding you back?
Is it time to surrender?
Thank you for reading my blog! I would love to hear from you! Comment below
In my darkest hour of receiving the call from the nurse to say, “Ms. Gunn, your COVID-19 test results came back as positive, you will need to isolate yourself ASAP!”
Needless to say an immediate rush of every kind of emotion rose up within my body! Many I had to tell because I was positive incase they were exposed by proxy of me. Everyone I had been around never got it from me!
But, thats not the point of this blog…
This blog is gonna go to a deeper level of what I faced in those dark 22 days of isolation…
In isolation during having COVID-19 you are in a way at the time I had it, doubly isolated. Before I contracted the virus we were limited to what we could do, what stores were open, the amount of people that could gather together was restricted to 10 people.
So, in an already isolated state, I contracted Covid-19, that sent me to the next level of isolation, which was complete isolation. No human contact unless by cellphone, social media, or people being masked up, gloved up, and highly socially distanced for everyones safety as the contagion that COVID is, is highly spreadable in the simplest of circumstances.
It was in this time, between battling fevers, trying to hydrate, trying to fight the virus with over-the-counter medicine, trying to keep strength up that its so taxing not just on the body, but on the mind as well!
In this state of battling and my father still within the dwelling with me…socially distanced of course and I took every precaution so he wouldn’t catch it from me and He didn’t, he remains unexposed to what I had going on.
In those 22 days my biological father, only asked me twice if I was ok.
Needless to say the journey of this isolation process, made come to surface every daddy issue I could have. Yes I admit it to the world here and now!
I have Daddy issues!
The first week battling covid was the worst as thats when most if this boiled to the surface of my soul(mind, will,and emotions). By week two I was determined to use my isolation time to not only heal and recover from COVID, but to begin to heal the wounds in my soul from a disconnected father figure.
It has taken me weeks to put this together piece-by-piece to not only heal but to deal with layer upon layer of my father issues.
The time my father tried to commit suicide was the final straw that sealed the deal to all my issues and truly shown me my earthly fathers disjointed love toward his own daughter.
In his state of mental disconnect…of which many told me and still tell me to not take personal due to the state of mind he was in hurt and damaged me truly to the core of my being in a way even I can’t find any words to group that could make it understandable.
He took the pills and was rushed to the hospital. From there under intense evaluation and surveillance. One by one we were allowed back to see him. Being as my mother was in a wheelchair and handicap she couldn’t be left alone. So it was my brother and I who took turns goin back with mom, while she sat with dad. When it was my turn I went back and with the straightest face, cold, dark, soul-less eyes he looked at me and asked me who I was. Immediate heartbreak sat in my soul and I turned and walked out and told my brother to go back with our mother. It took him two days to remember who I was.
To this day being my fathers caregiver it hurts to the core knowing the true feelings of his heart that to him I am easily forgotten and that there is little to no love within him towards me.
Another level would be deeper into my childhood. You see things online and social media of how a father is a girls first love, a fathers character is what she looks for in her husband, a father is one that a girl in a way idolizes for all the men in her life.
For me, I didn’t have that kind if father growing up. My father was and is unemotionally connected to me. He never reflected in ways the kind of man I would ever want to be with. Now, with that said, my father was a strong provider. He worked hard to keep a roof over our head and food on table. He and my mother took time to save and take us on wonderful vacations, learning experiences and such. The emotional side is what lacked and thats what the soul needs to flourish and grow and mature healthy.
My time during COVID allowed me to sit still, fully isolated from all human connection. To allow the truest of true the Father’s Love of God to come and begin to work and heal patches within my soul.
God sat me down to see that He loves me, He used vessels of other people to show that to me when isolated. Those who brought me food, those who financially supported me, those who lovingly in genuine love for me in their life, checked on my personal well-being. That opened my heart up to be healed on a level of the father abandonment issues I have housed within my soul.
“But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.” Jude 1:20-21 NKJV
There are days we experience in this lifetime that the sun won’t seem as bright. There are days that the clouds will seem too numerous. The scent of rain in the air too much for the emotions to handle holding together.
The dark nights of the soul are phases of growing from the old and toward the new. Think about it a baby is kept in the dark of a mother’s womb protected and safe until it is time for the baby to come into the light.
Our Savior was place in the darkness of a tomb after he was crucified. There he remained for three days, he plunged into the futher dark depths of hell to take back the keys to hell and the grave once and for all. On the third day he emerged into the light.
Dark days will happen!
But, the key is to learn to settle there and remain. The darkness of a cocoon for a caterpillar is only for a time, Jonah spent time in the belly of a whale for a dark night of the soul before the whale spit him out on the shore and He then made the journey to Ninevah.
Before purpose comes a preparation time comes. Even Jesus after he was baptized had a growing experience in the wilderness. He was tempted, tested and tried buy the enemy of our soul for 40 days. After the darkness he emerged empowered and the more ready to fulfill His God destined purpose. Daniel was in the Lions den a dark time for Him. Joseph spent time in the pit.
What did all these I speak of do when the were in their dark night of the soul. They prayed, sung songs of worship, they built themself up in the most holy faith.
The most holy faith saw them through and it helped launch them into their greatest purposes that we read about in the Word of God.
🌺Today Choose Joy🌺
Choose to build yourself up in the most holy faith! Choose to lean on the one whom is everlasting. Choose to seek Him and grow in your relationship!
These dark and trying days we need something and someone steadfast that we can cling too. He will not fail us lest we only hold on tight!
Stay encouraged we all are fighting different battles, but with God on our side we have an assurance!
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV
So, since I left off blogging last at the end of May, the state in which I reside took us from Lock down to Phase 1 and then to Phase 2.
The cases statewide have continued to grow during Phase 2 and when the state evaluated us entering Phase 3, they said No! The governor declared we are to remain at Phase 2 for three more weeks which will expire at 5pm on July 17. With this came a new mandate, for all public safety we are to now wear masks in public, in retail settings and any position when dealing with the public.
Needless to say… I was not and am not thrilled about the new mandate. But, I have chosen to abide by the ruling for my safety and for those of whom I encounter on a day-to-day basis. The weekend of the ruling local sheriff’s offices were putting out statement about how they won’t be enforcing the ruling on individual basis’, but when businesses don’t follow the mandate they could step in and thus fine the establishment.
Several businesses have been sited for not following the mandate, and I just read one today the law shut a business down that was suppose to be closed during this phase and now they were forcibly shut down. The governor stated he went this route while in Phase 2 so we wouldn’t have to go back to Phase 1 like other states who have seen even more drastic spikes in covid cases.
The employer I work for mandated under the governors ruling that we are to wear masks with working with the public. That has not been enjoyable at all! It will keep me safe. Its so strange how masks have become not only for safety, but a fashion accessory. I have had to adjust my makeup routine to accommodate wearing masks off and on all day. This whole year has been one adjustment after another.
One thing this pandemic has done was restore my working with children. For a time, I wasn’t working with children as I had once in the past. Two were gone, another was part time and my consistent one of whom remained was needed in a new capacity at home for a while. One Sunday I came in and all four of my lil joys were back. That restored a light within my soul of my kingdom purpose with working with the children. I missed them so much and God restored them as my Pastor had told me He would right after the shift happened.
In my own spiritual journey in the last month, God has been working hard on humbling me. Getting me out of a state of Pride and knowing I need Him with every breathe, every step, every decision cause doing it on my own is my own self-will. To surrender my will to Gods will it takes a humbling of a person and in June God broke a level off of me that was strongly needed.
The new places God wants to take me in him required some death to the old things my soul (mind, will, and emotions) had clung to for all my life. Everything God has for me is within my spirit as that is where I invited His spirit to reside within me and overtime that newness will shine forth through my vessel (body) in my character, morals, and integrity.
In the days ahead I am longing that this Pandemic lets up! So we can have a sense of normalcy return. My prayer is that everyone stay safe as possible and take care of your mental health during all this! I have battled depression off and on during this crisis. The people of whom love and support me check on me and pray me through. Find your soul tribe like I have, they will be with you through dark and light, good and bad, broke and prosperous. Real people are true and genuine beyond things that can and will often change.
Thank you for taking time to catchup with me by reading my blog or stopping in to see the photos. 🌺
These have been some of the best times and they have been some of the most stressful! Quarantine has brought most to a place of slowing down. It has for me too, with stores not being open and limitations on where you can and can’t go has made me sit down and do other things or venture out to find something new and different to partake in.
As of Friday, May 8th in the state in which I reside, the governor allowed for the stay at home order to be lifted to phase one reopen. Needless to say the weekend was mayhem. With Mothers Day on Sunday and some retail stores allowed to open at 50% capacity. Lines were long and they weren’t practicing social distancing and I do believe I have heard there has been a spike in the numbers since Phase One began.
On Friday when I got off work, I took a moment to stop and unwind a little in a secret Garden. Very quiet little spot to just be. It was very relaxing the time I did spend there. It made me too realize that If I don’t slow down from the stresses of life and work that life will inevitably will pass me by.
There are times I believe the Corona Virus Pandemic has brought a reset to the lives of many. Other times, I feel like we are one order away from Martial Law.
I have so enjoyed finding new spots to go for walks, the most recent one I found, others found too, so I haven’t gone back to that one in a while. I have though frequented the Town Common, they have large open spaces where people picnic and walk the boardwalk, fish, play with frisbee with friends or their pets.
Truthfully, it is so serene on the water and the nostalgia of having a picnic there one day are things memories are made from. Being that I am an ambivert, these times of seclusion to help me collect myself from the stress of work are prescriptions for the soul.
Recently, I went home to check on things. I can out of the house and at the back of the vehicle stood the huge majestic Doe. I was in awe at the power that radiated from her. I walked down to get my phone and captured her as she went on about her life. As, I watched her cross the greenway, I heard a scripture in my spirit.
“As the deer pants for the water brooks, So my soul pants for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God; When shall I come and appear before God?” Psalms 42:1-2 NASB
She reminded me that I need to make sure that I am close to the living water. I need to be planted there so that I can weather storms, flourish in season and out of season, bearing fruit at all times, of which; requires a constant connection to the living Word of God.
During these dark and unsure times it takes being anchored into something stable like the word of God to make it through each day. I don’t always come out stellar in some days, but I am learning a lot about myself, working on me to handle things better, changing and being aware of my triggers is a full time job to live a life reflective of God. I fail, fall down, struggle to get up, look at the dust to learn, brush it off and try again the next day.
Life is so uncertain now we have to make the best of what we have been given. This weekend news came that someone near where I work may have contract Corona Virus, I even recognized them as coming in to our place to pay on a bill. I fell down the rabbit hole of uncertainty so quick I sank like an anvil in quicksand.
I immediately thought and calculated the date of when I would be sick based on statistics, I even went as far as wondering did we contaminate an entire town, did I contaminate my Pastors when I visited them, my aging father, my boss, my coworker then who did all they interact with… I was so thankful to hear that the person didn’t have it. But the fear that has been instilled throughout all this really hit my front door fast. Thankfully that isn’t the case, that I am well and not infected by Corona Virus.
Thank you all for reading and supporting my blog! Comment below how this pandemic has touched your life!🌺
Shop my teespring store – I am working on a new pillow design its takin a while to upload it to the store! A new T-shirt is there. Prices are discounted!
Living during the time of a global Pandemic (COVID-19)
I’m not even gonna lie, this whole quarantine/shutdown has been hard on me. Truthfully, it revealed to me just how much of an extrovert I am now. I am very much an ambivert, but I lean more extrovert in nature. I do have times of goin and being alone to recollect myself, but those times are fewer then the desire to be with people.
This quarantine has taken me to a place within my emotional realm that I couldn’t take much more of the pressure and erupted like a volcano, spewing out toxic lava from my innermost being out onto those closest to me. Like the aftermath of any natural disaster, my own aftermath left things in not good places for days and it will continue on in the weeks and months ahead to recover.
By Easter Sunday I was completely tapped of everything and decided to go for a walk to a nearby place I haven’t ventured to yet. So, I waited some to allow the traffic there to slow down some before I set out to clear my head, connect in nature and just “be”.
I needed that the most to just “be”.
Being Super Woman has its limitations when your acting within your own strength and by this time I was severely depleted. It was so peaceful and calm the serenity of where I went to walk that I do ever so long to go again.
I basked in the solitude of the quietness of nature. I wasn’t being demanded of to solve a problem. I was allowed to feel small in a big world, with a huge problem, and the desperate need of a savior. This walk I will call my repentance walk for everything I had attributed to in the week prior to not being very Christ-like at all.
I journeyed out from the Park where I took my walk, of which I will share more photos from at the end of this blog, to visit some stores for essentials. To my grand dismay many were closed up so tight that not even a fly could penetrate their barriers. This didn’t set well with me once more. This whole mess has brought out the spoiled child within me dealing with only first world problems.
When if I took a reality check my issues are minor compares to others. Many are battling this horrendous COVID-19 aka Corona Virus to the point of loss of life on epic scales. Many have lost jobs and income flows due to Gov’t/State regulations to lessen the curve peak of this virus to not destroy the fragile health care system in which would be needed to treat massive amounts of this virus. This virus and everything happening is a history in the making.
Many states are now extending the orders to stay at home and many essential businesses have had to come up to Governor mandated codes for protecting the public and essential workers. As of 5pm on Monday, the state in which I reside had new rules that came into implementation. We have had to limit the number of patrons inside the building, we have had to provide a hand sanitization of some kind. Prepare barriers between customers and checkout attendants.
So Friday of the week prior to the codes going into effect. I had to bring the establishment where I work up to code as being in tele-communications that is deemed an essential business. I had my own science project to make home made Clorox wipes to provide some kind of hand sanitation to customers as hand sanitizer in itself is sold out. The governors order stated the need to establish a time for senior customers, create a flow of one way into and out of stores and even within create flows for isles of grocery goods and shut down/limit use of any public restrooms. I rigged up a clear shower curtain to act as a barrier and after customers environmental cleaning has to be done to slow down the spread of this virus.
By the time Monday came I was so far over it all that waking up to find tornado warnings and hearing news of tornado strikes it just made the whole of the day so dark. Mind you I was still recovering from the dark night of the soul I just walked through to walk out into more darkness. It has all been too much for my soul to entertain.
Tuesday came and it seemed better it was bright and sunshine of the day cheered my dark soul up some. At one point I was able to just go sit by the water and pray for a moment and seek some stillness for my innermost being that has been so loud that I needed an escape.
By Wednesday, recovery was probably at the half way mark and yet still a need to know how to fix my innermost being from potentially not having to go through this again as the pandemic remains. My eyes had to be enlightened to somethings about myself that I must learn from, and grow up out of, as well as, begin to tame.
I am set to charge down the things within me that need to be shifted and changed during these hard and stressful times. As I am taught, fruit only comes during the hardest of trials. For me this whole situation the last few months have been the hardest yet, and to be honest we none know when the end will be insight. The best I can do is learn and grow and make the most of this time. I have made some masks from scarfs (3 finished one incomplete) and have completed one pillow and another pillow to be made. While I wasn’t in a good place I stopped the work on my second book until I recover. I am not sure what else I may take up to fill my time.
My greatest hope is that all this will be over soon and we can return to some sense of normalcy.
“We will sing for joy over your victory, And in the name of our God we will set up our banners. May the LORD fulfill all your petitions.” Psalms 20:5 NASB
Thank you for taking time to enjoy my blog🌹
Visit my teespring store to shop my selections inspired by my book
In reflection, I have found myself to be on the road toward healing more often then not! Life happens, we take the hit that wounds the soul, then we grapple at the pieces to get back up and walk again.
Our roads toward healing look different each time. They embody different aspects that need to be overcome, things that need to change, things that need to be matured in, or just healing from being backstabbed, rejected, abandoned, betrayed, or even depression and anxiety.
I will use my life examples to demonstrate how the road toward healing is different each time. I have more of my journey in my book that is available on amazon. But for this blog, I am disclosing some stories that are not in my book.
The first time I actually hit the road toward healing came after I was deeply wounded in the church! That same night the hurt happened as a matter of fact!
The first church I was truly apart of was going through a difficult transitional time of the beloved Pastor of 13 years was leaving due to some personal matters. The Pastor that came in, came in like a hurricane and stirred up a lot. Within the first few weeks the church was further divided. Anyway to make this long story short, I was called into the office with the Pastor, the church board, and the Superintendent of the churches denomination from the high up office at the State level. I did alot of work for the church and was highly connected to the prior leadership, which honestly was not favored as most if you were, was being driven away by taking positions away and reassigning to others who came in new with this new Pastor.
So, I sat in the office with all of them and lie after lie after lie just came from their lips. I sat there thinking these are church folk, lying isn’t suppose to be acceptable?!?!
Even took a persons words close to me and twisted them for their benefit! Now granted on my own part I was very negative about the division of the church, angry with how things were being done, and devastated at how church folks had done folks. In the meeting I sat there quiet the whole time just listening to the accusations. It wasn’t til the end when they said turn in your key and what work you have your released from the position. Knowing full well they had it in for me since day one, I popped back, looked the new Pastor square in the face and said if you didn’t want me here you should have said it long time ago! I took the key off the ring and put in on the desk! They forbid me from talking about what happened to me out side that room to anyone!
I was completely devastated, shocked, and the more distraught. I had just lost the Pastor I had sat under for 7 years, then all this from church folks. I went to my car, cried, was about to leave and say screw the night service. I got enough of myself together and said I will go in and be part of this service but I had to isolate myself as they all kept an eye on me the whole service! Needless to say I wasn’t myself and many took note of that, came over to talk to me and I had to push them away. I left before the service was over to avoid more questions.
I couldn’t go home in the state I was in, my mom would definitely know and I didn’t need her upset any more them she already was from what they were doing. So, I went to the place I work and sat at my desk and cried for 2 hours. One person by name Juanita Gibbs of whom is my Pastor now reached out to me, not knowing my situation, said I came up heavy in her spirit and wanted to check on me. That there showed me not all church people do others wrong. Had she not reached out, I probably would have turned my back on God, the church, my purpose and more.
Still yes I need healing from all that, as I have authority issues from that and childhood. Healing has come cause I cannot hold people to not being people. I had put christians on a pedestal that we were immune to failure, which is far from the case.
This road toward healing course kept me on the path toward God and not away from God. Not turning my back on brothers and sisters in the faith. Many things have come to try to pull me off that path down the years and it is a true fight to remain in the faith.
Another time I have been on the road toward healing (and I am still on this path) to not be so negative about my overall self. To make it simple my words reflected I have a level of hate even for myself that brooded low self-esteem, not feeling valued, low worth, and more.
It was on a trip to South Carolina that this revelation came to be. The person that has been the most integral in me being on the healing road has been Juanita Gibbs. She was apart of this trip and at the closeout of the trip we all sat down and had a chat. That brought out the fact I speak down about myself and all.
I have had chats with her since about that same stuff to keep working toward levels and degrees of healing that I desperately need within my soul. Had they not begun to be healed I could have been in bad dysfunctional relationship, gave up my body to any available man, taken on friendships that wouldn’t be reciprocal and the like. The path of this healing helped me get a standard, see my value and worth. Begin to embrace and love the woman I am and who I am still working to become!
Healing is a journey! It is up to us to take the step on that path and do what is necessary to heal!
If this encouraged you in any way I would love to hear from you. Drop a comment below 💝
I have a deep wound of rejection! This wound is a scar on my soul (mind, will, and emotions) that needs to be healed. She spoke on how these things can surface in deeply intimate “ships” (friendships/marriages/families).
In taking time of reflection of the current trial I am in as of last week, that wounded soul showed out! By showed out it walked in offense, it was sarcastic, rude, disrespectful, ill-tempered, angry, depressed, and emotionally distraught! That soul is mine that I am referring to and it saddens me to even know that ugly part of me is me.
But… in saying that, its in knowing my truth, that I can walk toward freedom. That freedom will only come by truth and the word of God!
In my trial my soul wanted to amplify my situation and show me ONLY how alone I was with all that stacked against me. But my soul was in full on emotional tsunami within me! So, I wasn’t sober in thinking, I wasn’t sober in interactions with others, and I sure wasn’t sober in decision making!
Now, before I go on, I want to clarify something… sobriety isn’t just from alcohol! Sobriety is a clearness and not being affected by something. I was highly effected by my emotions and the surge of them made me emotionally intoxicated!
Yes, this is a real thing! Haven’t you noticed when you breakup the emotional surge you have, its the same just in my case wasn’t in the relationship context, but in circumstances context.
However, in all my trial last week, even though my emotions wanted me to feel alone. Thus the rise of the rejection and abandonment issues I have within, I wasn’t really fully alone. I had two amazing people show up and out to help me above and beyond.
When anyone else I had asked for help from turned me down or was unable to assist. Which, my issue that arose isn’t from them, its from my core issue within that got touched and now that I see it, it needs to be healed.
Needless to say last week I failed the test and allowed my self to walk away from the spirit, almost giving up on God, and turning my back on my spiritual family that has been there for me the most. All because of my intoxicated emotions.
This morning, the test has re-surfaced. For it to be so close, back to back it got my attention. Like God is saying get this test passed now before the next level comes. I’m close to the brink of something in the spirit and I have got to pass this test.
On my way in to work about half way my journey, I heard a roaring and I pulled over to find a flat tire. I eventually worked my way out of the median and onto the side of the road where it would be somewhat safer. I turned my hazard lights on and reached out to the only folks that I knew could help me in any way. As I sat there in communication with them, I noticed a truck pull up behind me. Someone actually stopped to help me with my flat tire. I had a spare, he had the jack and tools and everything to get me back on the road, I was so grateful.
After I had gotten back on the road and almost to my destination, I heard that same familiar voice within, now you got this repair, and you haven’t even gotten the other one repaired. I had to stop the player inside and focus on faith! By God is was hard when I felt the pull to just sink into depression and flesh again so hard that the war is always within ourself! Outside circumstances just bring whats inside going on to the forefront.
It is my hope that as I share my struggles and what I am going through to change me is an encouragement to others. That if I can change, so can you! Its a journey, be patient with yourself and take one step at a time.
If you enjoyed this blog leave me a comment below, I would love to hear from my readers.
This past Sunday, I will admit my anchor was uprooted and moved due to what my emotions have taken on as a violent storm in my world.
In my usual preparation for the day it went normal, until the moment I got in my vehicle and went up out of my parking spot and to the stop sign to enter the main road. It was at that moment my vehicle decided it wasn’t going to shift and continue going forward.
There I was a woman, terrified, vulnerable, sitting half in traffic, being honked at as if I didn’t know I was in the way. I wanted to fully break down in that moment.
I sat there going from drive to reverse many times and not moving an inch. Waving cars around me to go on while my hazards flashed feeling very helpless. I took out my phone and texted the only person that I could that one would look for me on Sunday and two the only one that has ever moved to help me in the past.
She asked some questions to get her husband on the scene as he is an amazing mechanic. Eventually as I still sat there a car came up in my conversing with my potential help. To push me out of the road of oncoming traffic while I continued to attempt to get help.
As I sat there the lady I reached out to told me her husband prepared to come and assist me in any way he could, and if he was unsuccessful he could bring me to church. The guy who pushed me out the road stopped and asked where I lived and I told him just behind where I was sitting.
He went to get a helper and they both came and pushed my vehicle to a point where it could roll down the hill and get me close to my home. Needless to say this moment became funny to them. I will explain why…
So, my vehicle in neutral being pushed back a ways so it can roll down hill, then it was all up to me driving backwards to get it close to my home. So my vehicle is a large SUV and me being a woman I guess they assumed I may not handle driving backwards very well. I got drove that rig backwards down hill. Turned without hesitation to the right into the area of parking then a left to get me close to a parking slot.
The guys came to see where I ended up and they were laughing so hard. They said ma’am, where did you learn how to drive like that, we was shocked you could whip that rig like you did! I must say some of that is probably coming from my country living upbringing and my love for like go-carts and things. They got a good laugh and I got my truck home and in a parking slot.
Then from there I went to church and was wonderfully brought back home by the lady’s husband to only begin to find help, a mechanic, someone who knows anything about vehicles. At every turn I was told no I cannot come to you, no I cannot help you, one even told me worse case scenario and two ran with the notion.
Needless to say I crawled in bed feeling very very helpless and allowed depression to begin to come and wrap its arms tightly around me. The lady kindly reached out and asked if she could take me to the store. I didn’t have brain space to handle getting a few odds and ends, let alone continue to be turned down in the help department. Time passed and I remained thinking and thinking and then emotions engage cause they want to support every thought. Depression, anxiety, a way out are all things that came about in this one day.
Monday came, boy did it ever! I wanted to just wallow in my emotions and just sink into the dark abyss my soul (mind, will, and emotions) were creating for me to live in. The lady reached out again to take me to the store, I honestly wanted to sulk and sink deeper, but she was being used to extend a had to snatch me back out of that dark abyss.
Even since Monday I have not been fully myself. My mind is far over crowded with what steps I need to take, calls I need to make, funds I need to have that I just don’t at this moment, until it all can be figured out and evaluated.
Now my luck is dealing with todays snow fall, that delays every move I need to make. I am so anxious and depressed that my meds are only minimally helping. The battle of the soul is a hard one. With the content I am beginning to put together to publish, I can only gather this is my testing to see if I will live out what I put out into the world.
It is so beyond hard to not be swayed and moved emotionally to the point I can firmly say no, I have firm faith in this area and stand in the word. If I was better able to do that my anchor wouldn’t have been pulled up and moved. But it has now, so the only thing I can do now is work my way back to some level of inward stability.
Thank you all for reading my content! Please feel free to leave a comment 💞
I was driving home last night and I ran across a cd to hear some nostalgic tunes to listen to.
Well I put one in that had nothing written on it to see what in fact was on it. To my surprise it was a cd full of songs that were from a dark period of time in my life.
There was Korn, Evanescence, Seether, HIM, and more. As I began to listen, I began to feel the darkness begin to come back inviting me to sink into it. Inviting me back into the depression, inviting me back into the suicidal ideations, inviting me back into the not great view of myself.
“He reveals mysteries from the darkness And brings the deep darkness into light.”
Job 12:22 NASB
The darkness is like an old comforting blanket that says stay here, cuddle with me, you will be safe. When in reality that is a false sense of comfort as it kept me from enjoying, experiencing, and just true living. The darkness if I don’t keep it in check it would easily over take me. The darkness is joyless, passionless, and stagnant.
“Why is light given to him who suffers, And life to the bitter of soul,”Job 3:20 NASB
When the light finally dispelled the darkness in my life it not only brought me into the light, but it brought me to a place of seeking the Son. The light is joy-filled, passionate, and thriving!
“For with You is the fountain of life; In Your light we see light.”
Psalms 36:9 NASB
So, after a short stroll down memory lane with that cd and before I allowed that old energy to take and suck be back in, I removed the disk and listened to something different. In which was a powerful broadcast on dealing with a soul issue of abandonment! It was very impactful and liberating to tune into!
The darkness I have within is something I have to work to keep at bay the rest of my life! It is possible to do, it’s only impossible when I refuse to do my part! My job is to keep in the light as much as I can, by renewing my mind, staying in the word, dealing with the darkness as best I can when it shows itself! Sometimes I have even had to go to therapy to get help with it.
Don’t let darkness over take you, when there is so much more life in the light!
Beauty from Ashes: Discovering How Fearfully and Wonderfully Made I Am!