The Real Darkness Within

A part of my life most aren’t aware of…

#trigger warning if any talk of suicide can trigger you please skip this post#

From the time I was 3yrs old I was place on the suicide watch list! At the age of 3, I got into my grandmothers pills. Im not aware and they didn’t know at the time if i had taken her pills or not. But, I was to be watched!

As life has went on suicide crosses my mind often! Just to be real!

I recall once that I cut my wrists and the effects didn’t have my desired result so I just hid the scars til they healed, then no one would ever know. (Teen years)

In my 20s it was still just as prevalent. I would pour all the high powered pills I had in a glass and was ready to down them! But, people prayed, talked me down to deal with the real issue. People loved me enough to help!

In my 30s this thing still comes to mind. Even my latest attempt last year didn’t have the desired result I had hoped for. I took several Naproxen Sodium pills them downed them with a big glass of wine. Settled in to cross over to only wake up many hours later sick, but not finding the end!

What had to happen was me entering a counsel/therapy to deal with my inner darkness to get help, healing, recovery, and tools to combat this with!

My therapist walks me through different stages of things to help bring healing snd deliverance to my soul. Her last session with me encouraged me to press into knowing my worth! That has been helping me tremendously. I have had to do work to know my worth even on a small scale!

I so have appreciated my therapist and look forward to getting back to having sessions again! They are needful for me to keep growing and walking toward my destiny!

If you battle anything like this please seek help! Help is available! Don’t allow the darkness to win!

Love

Cynthia

My book Beauty From Ashes

Amazon

Tis the season

The most happiest time of the year can be really not so joyful for some!

DEPRESSION AWARENESS

The condition of Depression became so much more very real in my family in the December of 2014.

Depression was already in my home prior to 2014 goin back to 2007 truthfully, but not on this level. My Father was severly depressed in October that same year of 2014 he spent about a week or more in the hospital from severe bleeding ulcers that requires him to have clamps put on them and several blood transfusions.

When he came home after that, my father wasn’t the same man. He couldn’t return to work without collapsing, he then spent time at home and after spending most of his life working in the public that came to a screeching hault. So, like my mother’s carrer came to and aburupt stop, so did his.

They spent alot of time together at home as something neither of them was use to spending long extended amounts of time with each other alone since me and my sibling came along. So with them both spending time alone and both in a state of depression, that the condition took a turn in early December.

One day my mother calls me and my sibling also very frantic that my father opened all his pills and took them. She called is then called Emergency. They took him to the ER and evaluated him and asked what he took we had gathered the scattered pills and bottles as my mom, wheel chair bound rolled to knock them from his hand and being taken.

They kept him in the ER for hours and mt father wasn’t there. He knew my mom and my brother, but he didn’t know me. That was heartbreaking to hear from darkend cold eyes from the man responsible for you coming into the world that “no I dont know who you are”.

I left the room and cried and found someone to talk to to help begin to console me, it helped for only a little while then to go back in the ER section he still didnt know me it wasnt until b4 we were leaving that he came around that he knew me for 4 hours this went on.

To find out days later when he was in the ward for evaluation. That he got so depressed that he couldnt pay money back he had got on loan from someone and couldnt afford christmas gifts.

Please please I urge everyone to be a light this season. People battle things that we don’t know about. Let them know you care. Listen to them! Help them by lightening the burden if you can. Don’t let depression keep taking lives or stealing joy!

Depression is so very real and is painful.

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