Paralyzing Fear!!

Fear can rise up within to such a place where your paralzyed in a sense.

How can that be right?

Well…..

For me fear began to creep its way in my life through the issues and strongholds in my mind I battle of comparison, acceptance, rejection and abandonment, as well as, having a tender too wide open heart.

Being a woman in my 30s its been a journey of life to this point as there are some things I have yet to blog about but as I am lead I will begin to share them, but for now I will stick with this.

Single at any age can be well what it is alone for the most part. I have had an overwhelming fear most of this life of mine that certain things would not find me, be for me due to the fear housed with in. This goes back to what I blogged about yesterday about F.O.M.O. I had a fear of missing out on what others got to enjoy and be part of in life and that kept me paralyzed in a state of frenzy and haste for a long time. Wearing myself out in my strength to make things be that were obviously not of him. Test after test you would think I would have learned but thats the paralyzing effect of what fear can do.

But the fear is not of God it is a worldly and not of this world fear to keep me from pressing on into what my purpose is in life.

When people fell away from my life distraction was removed and I was then faced to deal with me, the woman in the mirror. It was a battle on my councelor/life coach side to help me see truth, accept reality, and let go of bitterness and strife I once felt.

Slowly, layer by layer fear has begun to fade and flee and I will not give into the fear as much as I can in my human strength, but Gods strength meets me in the weakness. As fear has begun to flee, love and genuine Godly agape love has begun to fill the voids in the soul pushing out the fear where, faith, hope and love can begin to abide.

Are they abiding deep within me? Faith, Hope and Love? No at this time I can honestly say they are not. But day by day I want to be a little better at abiding in them then I was the days, weeks, months or years prior to this point. To be where I can say I only live once (Y.O.L.O.) and I am working by grace of his strength to learn wisdom, truth applicable to my life and walk and become the best version on me I can be in life.

If your reading this and battle fear know that there is hope. Retrain your mind and see positive over negative. Yes it will be hard as I walk through this myself. But in time as you keep at the work fear will begin to flee and faith, hope and love can reside where fear once was.

~Love Life ~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Ambiverts discontentment!

Caught between and introvert and extrovert!

How can it be that you have tendancies of both ways of being and be discontent?

Well for me as I am known to have both tendancies my discontentment comes from many things. Having walls as a safety built inside causes me to wall or shut people out very much from the damage in my soul and the seclusion for many years of being introvertish.

Over time and things changing in my life I branched out and did more things and I wanted to be around people even to the point of allowing things I shouldn’t have that caused pain later on.

Being thirsty for companionship of a friend I spent many years chasing people to be a friend to me after a mere nice thing said when the reality was. They was just being nice and moving on. So the extrovertish way of thirsting for people to be around to find a level of validation was an hurtful one to keep walking through.

So the wanting to be around people to the point of almost feeling like it was needed and they wouldnt remain, issued a layer of rejection. Which they only rejected the fact they didnt want a frienship, just wanted to be nice and go on with life. This aided in the walls of the introvertish ways to remain walled up to prevent continual pain.

This is how this ambivert found discontentment within. The issue of wanting to be around people and they not wanting to be around me and the way I can shut them out due to being a bit introvertish is a bit of a battle inwardly.

But, shedding the light on my battle may help another if they find themself like I have beginning to take down the walls with people I know and can trust that have proved they accept me faults and all, as well as, now learning to guard better that no, not everyone will be a friend they can be polite and keep moving and it will keep my heart from being open to more hurt or rejection.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Self Imprisonment!!

We can keep ourself captive in many ways.

For me my imprisonment came in several ways, but for this blog I will focus on one way and that firstly is in my thinking. In my mental processes it has come to the light that I think very negative. I think negative about myself, my surroundings, situations and circumstances, how I view and perceive things. Sounds bad right?

Well it has been! The negative is like building a snowball. They just grow and grow til its taken shape and become a fortified fortress within of negativity. My very own self imprisonment.

Ever since March of this year I have been batteling to become less negative. It is so not easy! Its hard dedicated work to become even 10% less negative when you were full on negative, well maybe just in my case!

I have not become negative free on any respect of the word! But in a small degree I am not as negative as I was earlier in the year. When I have rough patches those negative things flair right back up as if I had done no work to combat them. Just shows how deeply negative I am in my inner life all these years.

When the rough patches come the reveal to me where I am unrenewed (Romans 12:1-2) and have to work/wrestle to get back to a place of renewal in my thinking. I have to use the sword of the word (Hebrews 4:12) to divide my thoughts that cause my imprisonment and use the word of God as a key to break the chains of bondage in my prison.

Its gonna be a fight for the rest of my days to keep renewed but with Gods help and councel/Coaching, and me doing the work one day maybe the fight won’t be so strong as I strive to become stronger in the word of faith over negative words from within. This is my fight of faith!

~Love Life ~ Live Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Walls of comfort!!

Depression can construst walls within!

I have written about depression before, but wanted to bring it up again in relation to walling up on the inside.

What is depression? Depression is defined as a self doubt. I have post in prior blogs about my comparison, acceptance, abandonment and rejection issues and all these issues have a layer of self doubt contained within them.

All these factors working hand in hand create a vacancy for depression to live in my soul. When you feel rejected by the world and then reject yourself that is a whole lot of self doubt. It sometimes reaches a place of why continue to battle the endless cyclea that it is instead of keep repeating things over and over again.

So, to combat depression the other issues have to be tackled as they are deeply rooted issues. What is the opposite of self doubt? Self confidence!! Even that is hard to find after a lifetime of hurt/pain and wounds.

Walls are built in a defense to keep from going through the same hurt little to know that the same gap that created the hurt was never closed. I built walls within to keep from getting hurt and to keep from letting too much of me out to anyone else when they got close. I could retreat behind the walls and feel safe and secure.

Self confidence is even temporary as it is based off of temporal things I have found to be shown to me. To find lasting and satisfying self confidence it has to come from the ultimate source of God the Father. Not to be moved when others accept or dont accept you for who you really are.

The only way to keep overcome is to keep renewing in truth as Pastor teaches us at church. I have to know deeply that I am accepted, loved and pursued by the King of Kings and let nothing and no one of this world move me from that position.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Palace of Protection!

Fortified in walls of saftey to prevent more hurt from anyone else…

Sounds like the beginnings of a fairytale almost right?

Rejection and abandonment issues began to construct walls. Walls of safety to keep others from getting too close. If you let no one in then they won’t know the real you on any level.

After a home life like I had with the lack of things in my early years. I unknowingly began to look for outside sources to give me what I wanted and desperatly lacked. But the true me was hidden behind walls right. Yes!

But what did peep out from behind the walls was neediness, desperation, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and so many more things that I could try to mask, paint a pretty picture of to show when people came around, but its as if they knew something deeply was wrong with me on the inside.

Because in friendship that came they would see these little monsters peeping behind my walls and they would be too much and they would eventually walk away from the friendship or I would end it to prevent more heart hurt. To only become the more problemsome as these things just added salt to an open wound.

These wounds from many years of hurt, pain, rejection, abandonment, conparison, acceptance issue kept building and building until I was walled off to myself. What happened right?

Well, it took a woman with the power and anointing to see me past my walls and help me break out of the prison within I had created. As she taught mr and is still teaching me that some walls are ok, but if they keep me from living, showing Gods love to others then thats when its a problem.

She came in with love and is helping me remove brick by brick the walls I built to stay safe and keep from being further rejected and abandoned. Little did I realize that rejection and abandonment walls only keep creating that cycle in my life.

The only way to end the cycle is know my truth and let my truth make me free to work on it and grow beyond it, heal and show compassion.

~Live Life ~ Love Life~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Visit:

wholebodywellness365.wordpress.com

A great blog about surrender by my Pastor Juanita 😍

Rejections Ugly Monster!

Rejection and Abandonment continued…

I began to open up some about Rejection and Abandonment how these issues showed up in my life in ways. But today, I will talk about more of how those created voids within myself.

As a child I don’t recall feeling or hearing much in the lines of love and acceptance except for like highlight events of birthday, graduation etc. just major life events is when those things were expressed.

It wasn’t until I joined an inner life ministry that it was exposed to me that lack of love in formative years of growing up is a huge lack of soul nourishment. I was completley broken at that point in realizing I was deficient in my soul of key things needed in growing up.

So there in laid some of the rejection issues. So how did the abandonment come into play right? Well on at least three to four occasions my father walked in where we were as children and told us he was leaving us. Thats devistating no matter your age to hear a parent is leaving. This brought in abandonment and rejection all the more.

How do I overcome these deeply rooted issues with in? I had to first forgive as to not further hold this against my parents. Then I had to accept the reality of the situation of thats just how it was for me growing up. Then I have to strive to fill the nutrient void places within with the God love to work toward healing. Am I healed? No! Am I better than I was before these issues were revealed? To a degree yes! It will be a constant work to maintain in this life.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

Illegitimate Children!

Rejection and Abandonment issues are the illegitimate children of Comparison and Acceptance Issues.

Due to many years of comparison and acceptance issues it was found within me the issues of rejection and abandonment. Other factors also contributed to the rejection and abandonment issues, but for this blog I will only talk about how comparison and acceptance issues opened up for rejection and abandonment to follow in to my life.

So, from prior blogs I discussed how I measured every part of my life up to others and I was always disappointed since I didn’t measure up. I also became a chameleon to blend into what others wanted and loose myself and not accept myself as they didn’t accept me for who I was.

How does that open up to rejection and abandonment in this case. Well here we go as I will share some now.

I had a prebuild system goin in my heart and mind. Now granted still things I am working to overcome even now so I have not arrived and won’t I have to keep renewing to not fall back into the old comfort. Have I fallen back into old comfort? YES! This is a daily battle.

So, when new people would come into my life amd I have that prebuilt thinking system I had a hold on me to not let myself fully go into things.

What does that mean? Say for example, I would be introduced to a guy I would with hold much of myself from things like openly expressing things, or not sharing just much of myself to help build things. Many times they never got past friendship as to my walls. Then when they left because of my issues I felt rejected and abandoned by them.

Another example would be a lady would come into my life and she be true and genuine with me, but I would withhold gratitude, love and appreciation of her acceptance of me for her willingness to be my friend.

When someone comes and stays, because all others left I began unknowingly pushing away because, well if the rest left why wouldnt this one. All it takes is one to see that you have potential to get help to overcome and is willing to ride it out with you to help begin to shift the thinking of old. Those people are rare so if one comes in your life they are worth fighting to keep.

All these issues created so many problems of walls and distance and lack of love that I truly reached a point to get the help needed. Like I mention before its a daily work to keep renewing in good over the many years of negative and toxic issues I housed within. The one who remained helps me when things flair up to see them and work to overcome them in genuine love to see the best for me.

All these issues are very real. Perhaps my writings can help see someone in your life going through these same things and you can develop an understandng of compassion and love them til the issues begin to fade and they find a new normal to live.

~Love Life ~ Live Life ~ 😍

~Cynthia 😉

#Comparison #Acceptance #Rejection #Abandonment #photographyblog

Do you not see it?!?!

Self-Rejection is a very real problem!

My open door to personally not accept myself was wide open. This came from the comparison issues I have shared about in other blog posts.

I had developed a mindset that if I had a flaw that wasn’t accepted by someone close to me then it was my instinct to reject it and do anything to blend in better.

This caused me essentially to loose much of myself and blind me to my real inner issues that I need to work on in my soul.

I began to only know me through the eyes of others. Which in some cases were not so great opinions due to many things.

What God began to do in my life was begin to separate me from people for my own good. As I needed to discover myself and know the true meaning of appropraite self-love and knowing of His love through others that did remain.

Am I there to full personal acceptance? I can honestly say, No! But, what I will share is that daily I take a step closer toward personal acceptance. Gods view and opinion of me and my own self view are the confidence builders I am working toward attaining.

As, I have come to learn and accept its part of life that some will not accept me as a person and some will. I just have to trust God for the true people that will see me and appreciate me in fullness as I should them also.

Acceptance starts with self as no other but God through His son and the true people of God he brings into your life can help you and I build a foundation of confidence in Him.

Close the door to outside void fillers such as a man, woman, job, or hobby to fill the void in a soul like the true love of God in finding acceptance.

~Love Life ~ Live Life~ 😉

~Cynthia

#Acceptance